The simple task of even producing an article like this one….is just too risky. If I have any readers after this piece it will be a miracle.

Wisdom

Don’t you think wisdom is one of the benefits of traveling through the various stages of life? I do.

Wisdom is simply a worldview that is continually influenced by experience and knowledge.

To permanently fix your mind on a particular position is short sighted. It suggests that you’ve reached enlightenment. And, have finished gaining experience and knowledge, forever.

Since it’s just you and me talking, I’ll go ahead and admit it. I was once uncertain about gay marriage. It seemed to threaten the institution of marriage and seemed to be out of line with my faith tradition. But, a man named Dr. David Watson changed my mind. About five years ago he said, “I don’t ever want to see a couple sitting behind me in church and have them feel un-welcome in God’s house.” In a split second that experience and his wisdom changed my mind. It wasn’t hard.

“When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, madam?”

Sir Winston Churchill

The point is that we are a work in progress. And, as good human-beings we should constantly evaluate our positions. This is why it’s important to stay open minded to people who disagree with you. Because there is always more to learn and absorb. Like your Mom’s favorite recipes. They get better over the years as she continually tweaks and adjusts the ingredients based on wisdom & experience.

The ability to change your mind shows an openness to seeing the world differently. And it opens up a whole new world of possibilities. But, changing your mind takes courage. It’s an outward sign that you remain open to learning.

But in today’s world, changing your mind is frowned upon. It’s wishy-washy, or hypocritical to change your mind. As if finding new ways of seeing complex problems is a sign of weakness. Hogwash.

“The difference between sounding smart and being smart is: I don’t know”.

Naval Ravikant

Social media has exacerbated this problem and led to a war on civility. The world is now full of opinionated armchair experts. And, most of them are on Twitter, where the only form of communication is screaming. Twitter is the land of extreme overconfidence. Everyone is an expert. And, everyone believes their own bullshit.

The more overconfident we are in our opinions, the more likely we are to express (scream) those opinions. And, the more likely we are to launch a little spittle with our opinions.

Some people believe that the space program was fake but that professional wrestling is real.

Some people have simply forgotten how to listen. Whether it’s gun control, abortion, taxes or ketchup on eggs, they have an expert opinion. It’s as if they’ve simply stopped listening and learning, because they already know everything.

“I want you to know, I value each of your opinions, even when you’re wrong.” 

-Ted Lasso

Social Media has created a false sense of community and protection that makes some feel more confident in their views. Polarization increases closed mindedness and closed mindedness increase polarization. Take climate change, for example. It’s not a hill I’m prepared to die on, even though half the world is on fire or underwater right now. But, there are many who will gladly die on that hill. After all, there is valor and virtue in identification with a group that is trying to save the planet. Esprit de corps and all that. 

Despite my current position on Climate Change, I reserve the right to listen and learn more about that issue and to potentially change my mind as evidence continues to grow.

So why do we get so entrenched in our positions? Research shows that the more times we repeat an opinion, the more deeply entrenched we become. Like my unwavering opinion that the ageless Keith Richards had John Lennon and George Harrison rubbed out. C’mon, you know it’s possible.  

Keep digging, my friend.

Apparently the more times we are “pitched” on a position the less likely we are to adopt that position. Instead of examining our position through civil discourse, we simply dig in deeper. 

Maybe that’s the reason Donald Trump lost the US Presidential election. Perhaps he told everyone that he was doing a terrific job one time too many.  

There’s a big difference between being confident and being overconfident. See, being confident is sexy and infectious. It’s the swagger of a pimp in a white fur coat. But, overconfidence is off-putting-as we say in the south. It’s simply closing your mind off from human curiosity. It’s a refusal to be open to ideas and opinions outside your tribe. It’s the fastest way to get avoided at cocktail parties, even if you are wearing a white fur.

In 1861, Walt Whitman penned the famous line: Be curious. Not judgmental. But I think in 2021 some have turned that famous line around: Be judgmental. Not curious.

Courtesy Raging Rhetoric

And, that judgment creates sophomoric contempt for those of differing opinions. See, contempt leaves no room for curiosity. Everything is black & white. Everything is self righteous.

Perhaps there’s a sense of comfort and identity in our identity tribe; a sense of belonging to something bigger than ourselves. Like the way that a church or synagogue allows those of like mind to be in community with one another.

To be curious is scary, for some. Scary, because for some people this is the first time they’ve felt a sense of real community or belonging. Being open to dissenting opinions could lead to exclusion. Next thing you know, you’re eating your Lunchable alone in the middle school cafeteria again.  

“Arrogance is ignorance plus conviction,” 

-Tim Urban

As a young boy I stormed the southeastern beaches of Iwo Jima amid a cauldron of shell bursts and mortar fire. I was flanked by Sergeant Mabry and Private Trull and armed with my M1 Carbine, Ka-Bar combat knife and a supply of standard issue frag grenades. 

Over the next several hours the battle raged. The near hand-to-hand fighting was intense. We captured the first of three airfields and moved toward the island’s rock-strewn northern sector. We lost a lot of good men that day. It was hell. But war is hell, after all.

And that’s where the story begins. 

Unfortunately around 5:45pm my Mom yelled for me to come in. The truth is that the battle for Iwo Jima took place in the deep woods behind my boyhood home. The guns were plastic, the grenades were pinecones and the radios were mostly shoe boxes and duct tape.

My wing men, Sergeant Mabry and Private Trull, were my next door neighbors and best friends. We fought many battles together. Good men. Warriors. We must’ve died 1,000 times on those “beaches” in my own backyard.

I can still find Wiley's house

Riding on my bike with eyes closed

I could name every girl that he took out

And from my memory, dial his house phone

(Ben Rector - Old Friends)

Our deaths were often hastened by enemy sniper fire or an expertly tossed Japanese grenade. Our deaths typically involved a slow motion fall into a pile of soft leaves. Or some other overly-dramatic and highly imaginative demise that launched us airborne. Personally I dove on hundreds of grenades.  

Those were the days. Good times. 

It was a simpler time. A time of freedom. A time of unlimited imagination. A time of boundless energy. A time of friendships. A time of pine cone grenades. 

There were also moments of pure boredom. Moments that inexplicably turned exhilarating without any effort. Like the famous train scene from the classic coming-of-age movie, Stand by Me. I can easily see myself on that train trestle, running at full-steam, diving to narrowly avoid the speeding train.   

Can you take me back when we were just kids

Who weren't scared of getting older?

'Cause no one knows you like they know you

And no one probably ever will

You can grow up, make new ones

But truth is there's nothing like old friends 

'Cause you can't make old friends

The End of Play Time

I often wonder when we lost the ability to play. The ability to be creative and imaginative. The ability to hear the mortar fire, smell the sulfur grenades and sense the danger in a totally make-believe battle. The ability to outrun the speeding train. 

We weren’t limited to just storming the beaches of Iwo Jima. I personally caught the game-winning pass in the Super Bowl. I did it 473 times. That one-handed, sideline catch. Diving expertly past the pylon. Stretching out to break the plane of the goal as time expires. The crowd goes wild. 

Except the pylon was my mailbox.  And the goal line was my driveway. And the ball was a green, Nerf football. 

I can still feel the windows down

Listening to Jimmy Eat World 

Riding 3-wide on Blake's bench seat

My God, it's been ten years now

I would have his back tomorrow

And he'd still fight anyone who tried to touch me

The Benefits of Play

Play has been shown to release endorphins those chemicals known to create the “runner’s high” that we get after vigorous exercise.  Endorphins improve brain functionality, and stimulate creativity make us feel happy. 

”We are never more fully alive, more completely ourselves, or more deeply engrossed in anything than when we are playing.” 

-Charles Schaefer

Maybe it’s the reason why Ellen Degeneres is always so darn happy. The Ellen Show is an American talk-variety show featuring comic Ellen Degeneres. In addition to dancing and interviewing guests, Ellen likes to play games. Here’s a montage of Ellen’s best game playing moments.  

It’s as if your teenage best friend has a killer basement and an unlimited amount of money to play games and pull pranks on strangers. Instead of raging teen hormones, Ellen creates raging Endorphins from laughter.  

It’s no wonder that an average of 4.2M viewers tune in daily. 

And I've got some good friends now

But I've never seen their parents' back porch

I wouldn't change how things turned out

But there's no one in this time zone

Who knows what inline skates that I wore

Play allows us to learn how to be creative and helps nurture critical thinking. It also creates real life, problem-solving skills. And teaches the art of compromise. Critically important life skills outside of the land of make-believe.   

Oh, and it’s fun, too. 

In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Maybe it’s the reason why The Brooklyn Preschool “Mastermind” is so popular. For around $1,000 you can have a preschool-type experience for adults. 

We recently had some house guests. They brought their 15 month old daughter. It’s been a long time since we had a baby in the house. But you never forget things: how little they sleep; how much they have to say. 

I enjoyed telling the new Dad a few things. Like once you teach them to walk and talk, you’ve lost all control of the asylum. He looked at me like I’d eaten too much paste as a kid. He’ll learn. 

Time is moving slowly for them right now. Long days; short nights. But it will change soon. In my experience, life moves slow at an extremely rapid pace.

““Life moves slow at a very rapid pace””

A different friend recently attended his annual Donuts with Dads. Each child was asked to name ten things they love about their Dad. Number two on his kid’s list was “My Dad has lots of homeless friends”. Wow. Personally I don’t have any homeless friends. And that’s where the story begins.

My daughter was in first grade. I was busy kicking, fighting, scratching and clawing through my career. She was asked to color a picture of what makes her Mommy & Daddy happy. My sweet little girl colored a picture of my wife arranging flowers (left). And she colored a picture of me sitting in the passenger window of a Delta jet. The caption was “My Daddy is happy when he is on airplanes”. Ouch. Sometimes God will use the voices (or Crayons) of other people to speak to us.

This picture is framed and has been on my desk for 15 years.

Here's the problem. Everyone wants to know why people act the way they do. But few people are ever willing to look at their own behavior. 

Why do I do the things I do? 

And who am I doing them for?

We cannot see our own blind spots. It’s like trying to see the back of your head after getting a jacked-up haircut for $9 at Supercuts. Or like Cheryl not realizing that it was just lightning that burned down her She-Shed. C’mon, Cheryl. 

But kids are observant. Extremely observant. They see us exactly as we are. Warts and all. It’s easy to get focused on the prize and forget that they are always watching. Always learning. Always listening. Cause no matter how much of a tool your Dad was, you always worshipped him. You probably still do.

In our minds we are all the coolest Dad on the planet. We all want Alan Jackson to sing about us.

Just an old half-ton short-bed Ford

My uncle bought new in '64

Daddy got it right 'cause the engine was smoking

Couple of burnt valves and he had it going

The worst Dads on the planet wanna be that Dad. I wanna be that Dad. Even though I couldn’t fix a burnt valve with “some pliers and a case of 30-weight ball bearings”. I still wanna be that Dad. Fine tuning that short-bed Ford pickup.

Drive (for Daddy Gene) is still one of my favorite songs. And you can watch Alan Jackson sing it live at the Grand Ole Opry here (2019). 

We all think we are decent human beings. Until we hear about a Dad who “has lots of homeless friends”. The two Dad stories provide a fascinating contrast. 

We often compare ourselves to the worst Dad we know. The guy who got caught with his pants down. The guy who left the kids and ran off with the Secretary. The guy who sends the kids a box of Hickory Farms smoked meats and cheeses at Christmas. “I’m not as bad as that guy.” Not the best measuring stick, my friend.

Up before dawn, Dressing in the dark. Coffee on the run. Expertly navigating Monday morning before daylight. Dodging the lines with children-and other uninitiated folks. Clearing TSA with surgical precision. Knowing the right bathrooms. And hoping for the Shakespeare seat (2B). Jangling metal tags. Super big time. 

He let me drive here when we'd haul off a load

Down a dirt strip where we'd dump trash off of Thigpen Road

Sit up in the seat and stretch my feet out to the pedals

Smiling like a hero that just received his medal

Up before dawn. Dressing in the dark. Coffee on the run. Expertly navigating Monday morning before daylight. Reaching the kitchen. Cracking hundreds of eggs. The smell of fresh brewed coffee and bacon in the air. Toast for days.  Navigating the gathering crowd with surgical precision. Reaching out; but for the grace of God. Super Big Time. 

Some might say that seeing me run all over hell’s half acre was a good lesson for my daughter. Mission accomplished, I guess. The velocity of life, and all.  I guess that’s one of the panes in my window.

But like a roller coaster, sometimes you don’t realize how fast you are moving until it stops. And everything around you keeps moving. And you hear someone’s kid say “my Daddy has lots of homeless friends”. In an instant, we go from jet setting business mogul, metal tags jangling…. to self-absorbed, travel Dad who chooses work over family. Ouch. From the mouth of babes and sucklings, I guess.  

It was just an old hand-me-down Ford

With three-speed on the column and a dent in the door

A young boy two hands on the wheel

I can't replace the way it made me feel

This is one of the great challenges of man. Managing the many obstacles of growing a family, building a career, making a good income, being a half-decent spouse and not ending up on some “Dad Fail” Instagram post. And trying to keep your chin just about the...

When you think of the 23, what immediately comes to mind? The natural number following 22 and preceding 24? Two days before Christmas? The atomic number of Vanadium? The 23rd Psalm-The Lord is my Shepherd?  

Sure. 

But when most people think of 23 they think of number 23. As in Michael Jordan, the G.O.A.T., (Greatest of All Time—for the Boomers in the audience)  formerly of the Chicago Bulls. He played an astonishing 15 seasons for the NBA and is the most sensational athlete of our generation. 

And, he is arguably the greatest basketball player of all time. But if you know anything about number 23, you know that before he was the world's greatest round-ball player, he was a complete failure. 

Failed and Rejected

While a sophomore at Emsley A. Laney High School in Wilmington, North Carolina, MJ was rejected from the Varsity squad. He was relegated to the Junior Varsity as his best friend, another sophomore, Leroy Smith, was chosen for the final Varsity spot. 

Smith was not as good as Jordan but he added size to the team, as he was 6’6” compared to Jordan’s diminutive 5’10”. 

So for all practical purposes, Leroy Smith was eight inches from the G.O.A.T.

More importantly, the Varsity coaches knew Jordan had potential. They knew if he played for the Varsity squad he would largely ride the wood and watch games from the sideline. So they put him on the B team... 

Yup, MJ was on the B team in high school. 

Michael Jordan game film from high school.

Jordan was devastated and tells the story that he spent hours in his room with the door closed crying uncontrollably. 

After he finished his pity party, Jordan did what all Champions do ─ he dusted himself off, held his head high, and used that “piss and vinegar” to become the greatest player of all time. 

Jordan put on the JV uniform and went out and kicked some ass. 

“Whenever I was working out and got tired and figured I ought to stop, I’d close my eyes and see that list in the locker room without my name on it, and that usually got me going again.”

─ Michael Jordan

All or Nothing

How many of us would have done that?  Today’s mantra is “all or nothing.” We demand recognition of our self-anointed greatness. This is best illustrated by the overused but accurate analogy of “participation trophies” in kids' sports today. 

But the truth is, even if you are Michael Jordan, you aren’t as awesome as you think you are. The problem is that nobody will shoot you straight because they don’t want to upset you. 

There’s always someone better looking, cooler, smarter, stronger, or you name it than you. Always. In MJ’s case, there was someone 8 inches taller. 

You see, many people hear this story and assume the high school coaches were just stupid. That they failed to recognize MJ’s talent. That isn’t necessarily true. They fully recognized his talent.  They wanted to further develop his talent by playing time in an arena where he could shine. 

Had Michael Jordan ridden the bench and scored a few points as a reliever for the Senior starters he may not have developed into the star that he was destined to be.

Being the G.O.A.T. 

Even after he became the world-renowned number 23 for the Chicago Bulls, the underdog, 5’10 high school player mentality drove MJ. 

Disappointments and setbacks are all part of God’s plan for our lives. I have often said in business that if we aren’t failing on a regular basis we aren’t pushing ourselves hard enough. 

We can choose to quit. Just fold up our proverbial tent and go home. Or we can embrace uncertainty and see possibility in it instead of danger. It happened to me last year. A series of business setbacks in January that made me really question if I’d lost my mojo. Maybe I just didn’t have “it” anymore.

Then another G.O.A.T. did what seemed totally impossible. Against all odds. We’re you watching when Tiger Woods completed the greatest comeback in sports history to win The Masters? If not you must have been in a Physician induced Coma.

Or we can embrace uncertainty and see possibility in it instead of danger.

Michael Jordan would go on to break numerous NBA records and become the most decorated NBA player of all time. He has done more to advance the popularity of the sport than any modern player.

Even today, he is the principal owner and CEO of the Charlotte Hornets in North Carolina. He inspired an entire generation of great basketball players, including Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade and Lebron James. 

Failing Oft...

I remember where I was the first time I heard the music of Ireland’s greatest band: U2. It was 1985. Someone snuck a bootleg cassette of U2’s groundbreaking Under a Blood Red Sky into my Spanish lab. 

I didn’t know why the sky was blood red or why Sunday was bloody, but the guy singing seemed pretty pissed about it. Anthem rock. I was hooked.

Our Restless Search for Meaning

The song is an anthem to man’s inherent and restless search for meaning.

Perhaps it is our genetic connection to the cavemen or Adam & Eve ─ but we always seem to be searching for meaning in our own lives. 

The cavemen were constantly worried about killing their next beast. Or finding a larger cave for their wives-before the next snow. These things were important for survival. 

Then there’s the whole thing in the Garden of Eden. The trickery with the apples. A story for another time. 

Regardless, as a species, there’s an inherent restlessness and searching at our core. We are always looking for meaning and purpose in our lives.

Seeking more. Longing. 

It’s what Bono was singing about in I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (1987).

U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For Live From Milan

“I have kissed honey lips

Felt the healing in the fingertips

It burned like fire

This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels

I have held the hand of a devil

It was warm in the night

I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found

What I'm looking for

But I still haven't found

What I'm looking for”

─ Bono, U2

The Mating

I think our lives are divided into two, nine-hole golf matches. We spend our elementary years chasing girls—with a worm on a stick. Then they start to smell good. We start to like raincoats. From there the real chase is on. Everything we do is to impress the fairer sex.

In the mating, most guys are just trying to find the unicorn on the universal hot-crazy matrix. And they’re trying not to look totally incompetent at work so they can go home and watch sports.

The front nine is all about “the mating”.

Once we find sturdy mate, life gets simpler at “the turn”. Like the cavemen, we find a nice cave. We get a sharp spear and a beast of burden.

The Mattering

On the back nine we can really get our game on. We might get married, maybe have some crumb snatchers. We buy a place, find a better job, have some kids, buy a bigger place. You get the point. Pretty standard formula. 
 

“I’m just trying to matter and live a good life and make work that means something to somebody.”

— Reese Witherspoon
 

On the back nine there can be trouble. Lots of trouble. Especially if there’s a young, scantily clad woman on the beverage cart.

On the back nine we start to look around. We start to measure. We start to compare. We start to wonder and worry. I think the cavemen did this too.

We start to question everything. Why does Atok have the biggest cave? Why did Krog get the biggest beast? And how did Thor get a third wife when he only has one eye left.

The Dead Cat Bounce

Life starts well, and ends well. But, the middle part can be rocky.

This is the finding of a recently released paper from economists David Blanchflower of Dartmouth College and Andrew Oswald of the University of Warwick. 

Average life satisfaction slowly declines from early adulthood high until it takes a “dead cat bounce” in the early 50s.

A young man was standing in the wings, preparing to enter the sanctuary to marry his wife. His best man, and Father, placed his hand gently on his shoulder. “Son, before we open that door, I want to share some advice.”

“Never forget your friends, he said, “they will become more important as you get older.”

Culturally, we are struggling to understand what modern friendships look like. We’ve replaced long-term, “mono e mono” friendships with the digital efficiency of social media. It’s digital, but not deep, and these superficial, digital relationships are part of what’s making us increasingly lonely.

Yeah once Ted married Tracy we all kinda grew apart. But I still keep in touch with Ted on Facebook”.
 

Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)

A 2006 analysis of over two decades of survey data on social isolation, published in the American Sociological Review, found that adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends of all people in America. Apparently “pale, male & stale” is an accurate moniker.

According to a more recent poll, 22 percent of millennial kids say they have “no friends” at all. This despite being widely lauded as the most connected generation in history.

“Regardless of how much you love your family and the children you happen to have, you will always need friends.”

Thirty percent of millennials also say they “always” or “often” feel lonely. Could there be a blooming epidemic of loneliness in our country?

”Remember to go out with them occasionally (if possible), but keep in contact with them some how.”

Vivek Murthy, the 19th surgeon general of the United States, has said many times in recent years that the most prevalent health issue in the country is not cancer or heart disease or obesity. It is isolation. And there’s good reason to believe he is correct. The rate of suicide is highest in middle-age white men. In 2017, men died by suicide 3.54 x more often than women.

”Over the years, he became aware that his father knew what he was talking about.”

Medical professionals believe that meaningful bro-mances promote overall healthy habits because they can encourage us to trade harmful habits for healthier ones. Whether it’s a better diet, more exercise, or permission to take a well-deserved break, our friends’ influence can help lower the risk of many health problems. This includes high blood pressure, obesity, and depression.

So, how is it possible that the most connected generation in history is feeling isolated and lonely? Especially in a time when Facebook, Instagram and SnapChat have become mainstream.

“Inasmuch as time and nature carry out their designs and mysteries on a person, friends are the bulwarks of our life.”

For most men in their twenties and thirties, having twelve close friends seems like a fairy tale. Studies show that men become lonelier as they grow older. If Jesus had lived longer he might have ended up with only 4 or 5 Disciples.

Modern dads take parenting seriously, spending approximately three times as much time with their children as men did two generations ago, and they’re doing a lot more during that time.

And, men are extremely hesitant to share genuine thoughts and emotions with other men. There is a fear of looking weak. As if male sensitivity has some kind of connection to sexuality. It doesn’t. 
 

After 70 years of life, here is what I’ve learned:

Time passes

Jobs come and go

Life goes on

Children grow up

All this hesitation to be authentic leads men to internalize their emotions. As if we simply do not need any help, ever. We can handle everything ourselves.

Do you know what they call someone who has an incapacity for friendships, grandiose sense of self and shows little emotion? They call them sociopaths.

American author John Eldredge presents this challenge vividly in his legendary book, Wild at Heart.

“The issue was, and is, that men simply are not bonding much these days... and we are either purposefully choosing or unwittingly failing to make bonding…..a priority.”

We work as if our survival depends on it. It’s in our genes. In ancient times hunger, thirst and physical security were matters of life and death. Mentally we live in a world that no longer exists.

”Children cease to be children and become independent. And, to the parents, it breaks their hearts. But the children are separated from the parents because they start their own family.”

I’m not suggesting that men should shirk their responsibilities. Our commitments to family make us better people. And work tends to pay the bills.

No matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to outrun the American Express bill. I’ve tried. But in all things, there must be balance. Achieving bodily comforts and having fancy job title does not in itself satisfy the longing for connection.

In my mind, long term friendships are like a patchwork quilt. Each patch on the quilt represents a memory. But over time, even the best quilts will fray and the best memories fade. It’s important to be mindful that as the memories fade, they must be replaced with new, shared experiences. Great friendships cannot be comprised solely of memories of an earlier time.

“I don't have no friends. I don't want no friends. That's how I feel.”
 

Terrell Owens
Former NFL Wide Receiver and 6-time Pro-Bowl nominee

Women on the other hand make friendships a priority. Whether it’s book clubs, bunko night or bible studies or simply chatting on the telephone, women seem to be less lonely than men.

”But, true friends are always there, no matter how many miles away they are.”

When men do engage, the connection is often less personal. Most conversations begin with a discussion of how busy we are.

Busy is the new Xanax

There is an inherent social value in our busyness. I can recall an earlier time when I felt that my frequent flyer status was a kind of badge of honor. And my 2.5M miles in the air felt like a purple heart. There was ...

Tom Greene

A few weeks ago my bride and I started doing some post holiday clean out. I came across an old paperback copy of one of my favorite books: All I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, by Robert Fulghum.

This book was published in 1986. The year I graduated from high school. The year I started college. 1986 was a glorious year, for sure. 

I decided to re-read this book to see if the yellowing pages had the same impact on me after some 30-plus years stuffed in a box.  

(This story is about to get really good, I promise. Can you help me reach more people by posting it on Facebook?)

Post on Facebook

The book is comprised of short stories. The kind of stories that make us feel good. The kind that make us think about everyday happenings. The kind that make us slow down, and savor life for a minute. Old school stuff, for sure.

You see this book is really about a set of rules. Rules of living decently with other human beings. Rules that were relevant to adults (and kindergarteners) in 1986. But who knew that we would need these rules even more today. A lot more.  

Rules like “Play fair” and “Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.”  Basic things that we all learned before we could even write our own name with a broken Magenta crayon. Before we realized that nobody wants the white crayon or the white jelly beans. Before we realized that a “smock” was really just our dad’s old dress shirt. Before we questioned if we could really sing or dance. (Of course we can). 

But somewhere along the way we’ve lost these rules. Rules of common decency. 

Share everything.

Don't hit people.

Put things back where you found them.

It seems as if the more our world speeds up, the less we remember these rules. As if the speed of life negates the need to share and say your sorry when you mess up. As if we’ve earned the right not to put things back where we found them. 

We work crazy hours. Then we go home to bury our face in our phone as we watch another episode of The Voice for the third night in a row.

We forget what it felt like to see the world afresh. To draw and paint without judgement. To listen to stories with child-like curiosity. To sing and dance like nobody's watching.  

Back when we were full of optimism and an unwavering sense of adventure. When every day was new. When every day was exciting. We couldn’t wait to go home. And we couldn’t wait to come back tomorrow. 

Clean up your own mess.

Don't take things that aren't yours.

Wash your hands before you eat.

Flush.

How I long for that unbridled excitement. That unadulterated wonder at the world around us. The wonder of a child. Long before the world begins to temper our expectations. When our emotions were lifted beyond the heavens by the smell of a brand-new box of Crayola 64’s with the built in sharpener.

I can still vividly remember the much-anticipated field trip to Mathis Dairy. It was the highlight of the year. And I got chosen to actually milk the cow, Rosebud.  I can still smell that nasty heifer. I can still feel that udder in my hands. And hear the squirt of milk hitting the metal pail. Before we left they gave us cold, chocolate milk in glass bottles with straws. It was heaven. 

The Mathis Dairy Farm began dairy tours for children in the 1950’s, where visitors received the prestigious “I Milked Rosebud” buttons. The beloved cow participated in charity events and was milked by celebrities and politicians, including Jimmy Carter. It is rumored that the Chic-Fil-A cows are all direct descendent of Rosebud.

Can you imagine if we had heeded that advice? Like the advice to clean up our own messes. Perhaps we wouldn't have to contemplate a garbage dump the size of Texas floating in the Pacific Ocean. Or argue about whether we should eat Rosebud for dinner. Or drink from a single-use, plastic straw. Or whether we are all gonna drown in exactly 12.3 years. How silly all that might seem to us. 

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.

Isn’t it true that life is still pretty simple at its core? It’s our human interpretation and our desire to complicate things that causes trouble. That little voice in our head that wants to make everything so darn complicated. As Fulghum expresses in the book, “The examined life is no picnic.”

Our founders knew a lot about character. It was character that led these three ordinary men to a limestone outcropping 150 years ago. It was character that sparked these men to create “the light of our fraternity.” That same light has illuminated the greatest friendships and the most cherished memories of my life. 

1. Friendships:  Culturally, we are struggling to understand what modern friendships look like. We’ve replaced long-term, “mono e mono” friendships with the digital efficiency of social media. It’s digital, but not deep, and these superficial, digital relationships are part of what’s making men increasingly lonely.

In contrast, both fraternities and team-based sports create opportunities for lifelong friendships. Both encourage the type of bonding that only happens in close proximity.  That comes from having a common purpose. That comes from focusing on something bigger than yourself.

Coach Bill Courtney led an underdog team with uncommon valor. We watched the season unfold in the documentary Undefeated. Coach Bill repeatedly encouraged the Manassas team to “put the team first” and “show some character”. 

“A lot of people think that football builds character. It doesn’t. Football reveals character.” 

-Coach Bill Courtney

“Facebook and Instagram is a poor replacement for a cold beer or two in a dive bar. And studies show that men are growing increasingly lonely, despite the constant connection.”

-Tom Greene

2. Isolation:

A recent analysis of over two decades of survey data on social isolation, published in the American Sociological Review, found that adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends of all people in America. Apparently “pale, male & stale” is an accurate moniker. 

According to a more recent poll, 22 percent of millennial kids say they have “no friends” at all. This despite being widely lauded as the most connected generation in history.

Thirty percent of millennials also say they “always” or “often” feel lonely. Could there be a blooming epidemic of loneliness in our country?

Vivek Murthy, the 19th surgeon general of the United States, has said many times in recent years that the most prevalent health issue in the country is not cancer or heart disease or obesity. It is isolation. And there’s good reason to believe he is correct. 
 

The rate of suicide is highest in middle-age white men. In 2017, men died by suicide 3.54 x more often than women.

It’s when you screw up and life hits you in the mouth that you have an opportunity to reveal your inner strength.

-Coach Bill Courtney 

“Killing ourselves is one of the few things we do better than women”

Tom Greene

3. Experience

After 50 years on this planet, here is what I’ve learned:

Time passes

Jobs come and go

Careers change

Life goes on

Children grow up

The one thing that stays true and constant through the seasons of life is friendships. Like this poignant photo of Brother-Regent John Hearn (Mu 2000) and his father, Judge George J. Hearn, III. Judge Hearn is surrounded by five Mu brothers, four of whom served the Mu chapter as Commander. This is what friendship looks like.

The Judge passed away quietly at home three weeks later. I wrote more about Judge Hearn’s legacy here.

Solid friendships, like the kind you are building now will serve you for the rest of your life. Who will be in your picture 35 year from now when you need a hand to hold onto? 

Don’t be a Turkey person

-Coach Bill Courtney

”How many of your Instagram followers would attend your funeral of you died today?”

Tom Greene

4. Authenticity

If you’re a professional football fan, you know that the Philadelphia Eagles had a tough season. They lost in the Wildcard game after their quarterback, Carson Wentz, was injured and removed himself from the game in the first quarter. What you may not know is that this physical injury was preceded by another player’s voluntary removal earlier in the season. 

In late November 2019, Philadelphia Eagles offensive lineman Brandon Brooks voluntarily left the game against the Seattle Seahawks. It was the first quarter. You see, he left the game due to nausea and vomiting from anxiety. And he was brutally honest about it.

You can watch a 90 second interview with Brooks here. It’s worth the 90 seconds of your time.

Brooks later tweeted this:

"Make no mistake, I'm NOT ashamed or embarrassed by this nor what I go through daily,'' he wrote. "I've had this under control for a couple of years, and had a set back yesterday. The only thing I'm upset about is that when my team needed me, I wasn't able to be out there with and for them.”

The massive 6’ 5”, 346 pound Guard who played college ball at Miami displayed what most of us cannot fathom. He was open and honest about what was going on in his life. And he did it in the most challenging of circumstances. 

Only by entering new and unfamiliar worlds can a person change society as well as self.

Bill Courtney - Against the Grain

“Sharing difficult or unflattering things about your life does not make you any less of a man”

Tom Greene

5. Wisdom

I’ve had a few rough patches since my carefree days in college. Experiences do not make you wiser. Learning from experiences makes you wiser.