Tackling the TV Remote Control Conundrum

The friendly debate started with a discussion about the ease of using a TV remote control. It was suggested that, twenty years ago, men might have confidently claimed victory in this regard, but nowadays the debate was not as conclusive. However, the Darren and Paige acknowledged that their personal frustrations with the remote control could also be linked to individual quirks and temperament rather than gender differences.

 The Intricacies of Handcraft

The conversation then shifted to discussing intricate handcraft skills, on which there was almost unanimous agreement. Overall, women have traditionally demonstrated excellent fine motor skills that are applicable in this area. However, the hosts acknowledged several significant exceptions to this norm that challenge stereotypical gender roles. One surprising revelation was the male host's exceptional ability to untangle complex jewelry chains, a task that many people might assume women would be better at due to their generally superior fine motor skills.

 Problem Solving or Just Venting

The conversation shifts to a topic that almost everyone can relate to - problem-solving. They emphasize that sometimes people aren't looking for solutions, but simply want to express their concerns. Being listened to can bring relief and give us a fresh perspective on how we deal with difficulties.

The quiz results lead to better-mutual understanding, emphasizing the significance of recognizing and respecting each other's differences. A distinct instance was their sharing of an unexpected 'Lemonade' moment of being stuck on an airport tarmac. Initially a source of frustration, this 'lemon' experience eventually morphed into a relaxed and rejuvenating 'lemonade' moment.

 Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren gets stuck on an airplane on the tarmack in Chicago waiting 4 hours for a storm to pass. He finds time to disconnect from the world and relax.

 Links

https://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/images/mr/marrquiz.pdf

 Quiz

1. Is the basic brain pattern that we have from conception male or female?

2. Who are more likely to be colour-blind – men or women?

3. Who have better spatial awareness?

4. How do women shop?

5. How do men shop?

6. Whose skin is more sensitive to touch – man's or woman's?

7. Who feel the cold more?

8. Who are better at reading body language?

9. Who are better at distinguishing between high-pitched noises?

10. Who are better at identifying from where sounds come?

11. Who have the lower pain threshold?

12. Who are better able to discern salty or bitter tastes?

13. Who are better able to discern sweet tastes?

14. Who have the finer sense of smell?

15. Who have more brain cells?

16. Who use only the left side of the brain for speech?

17. Who are better at languages?

18. Who are better at maths?

19. Who find it easier to read while listening and talking?

20. Whose brain is more compartmentalised?

21. How does a woman get rid of problems from her mind?

22. Who use more words in a day? ….

23. and by what rough proportion?

24. What chief purpose do men see in the telephone?

25. What chief purpose do women see in the telephone?

26. Who are able to speak and listen at the same time?

27. When a man has a problem what does he do?

28. What does a woman need to do when reading a map?

29. Who find it easier to use a TV remote control?

30. Who are better at intricate handcraft?

 Quiz Answers 

1. Is the basic brain pattern that we have from conception male or female? All brains are initially female, but for males it changes from six weeks after conception and men's brains develop differently. Because men's brains change there is more potential for wider extremes of brain capabilities. Therefore more men are likely to be geniuses or mentally handicapped.

2. Who are more likely to be colour-blind – men or women? Over 10% of men are at least partially colour-blind. Very few women are.

3. Who have better spatial awareness? Men. So they find it easier to park a car or to reverse it. 4. How do women shop? They find shopping relaxing, rejuvenating - trying on different clothes. It can be unstructured and it does not need a definite outcome. (This does not apply to food shopping though!)

5. How do men shop? Men shop with definite objectives and a timetable – the quicker the better. 6. Whose skin is more sensitive to touch – men's or women's? Women's – their skin is thinner; also they have an extra layer of fat beneath it, which adds to beauty in youth and wrinkles in old age.

7. Who feel the cold more? Men – because they lack that layer of fat. But because of it women have the greater problem with hot temperatures.

8. Who are better at reading body language? Women.

9. Who are better at distinguishing between high-pitched noises? Women.

10. Who are better at identifying from where sounds come? Men.

11. Who have the lower pain threshold? Men – except when focussed on a physical task or sporting activity.

12. Who are better able to discern salty or bitter tastes? Men – which is why they like beer.

13. Who are better able to discern sweet tastes? Women – hence chocholics.

14. Who have the finer sense of smell? Women.

15. Who have more brain cells? Men – approximately 4 billion more than a woman.

16. Who use only the left side of the brain for speech? Men. Women use both sides.

17. Who are better at languages? Women.

18. Who are better at mathematics? Men.

19. Who find it easier to read while listening and talking? Women.

20. Whose brain is more compartmentalised? Men. At the end of a busy day a man's brain can file his problems away.

21. How does a woman get rid of problems from her mind? By talking about them – the objective is not necessarily to find solutions but to discharge the problems.

22. Who use more words in a day? …. Women.

23. and by what rough proportion? Approaching three times the words of men.

 Revealing Our Distinctiveness Through A Lighthearted Lens

It is often hard to understand what your wife or husband really wants, thinks, needs, feels or does. This quiz is light-hearted but informative; it is useful to get a better understanding of each other – and to bring you closer together. In many of the questions information is used which is generally true of either men or women. But if it is not true of you, that is because all people are different in many ways; it does not mean you are less of a man or a woman. The questions do, however, usually help you to understand each other and, if necessary, identify where you may be differing. Do the quiz on your own - only compare when you hear the answers! Enjoy the quiz!

See the quiz below.

 It’s a Brainy Affair!

It may surprise you to know that our brains are initially identical. That's right; every brain begins as a female brain until it is transformed around the sixth week of conception. Thereafter, the male brain develops quite differently, resulting in a broad range of cognitive capabilities. The humble female brain, however, is significant in its own way, often leading to a rich complexity of thought and feelings. Remember, variety is the spice of life!

 Shattering Some Stereotypes

From a young age, we’ve often heard that men are better at spatial reasoning. But does this talent make us ladies any less adept? Absolutely not! It could make us more cautious, but then, a smidge of caution never did anyone any harm! Interestingly, it's the men who are more color blind due to genetic inheritance. Guess that's why we women get to enjoy an endless spectrum of colors, right? 

 Let’s Talk Personalities

People often believe that men and women think, behave, and navigate the world in completely different ways, influenced by our upbringing or societal pressures. However, when it comes to common interests and bonding, it can be a fascinating blend of Mars and Venus. Ever seen a man equally mesmerized by a clothing sale as a woman, or a woman equally excited about a gadget like a man? It happens! 

 Wrinkles & Vinkles!

Finally, let's touch on a topic close to most women's hearts: ageing and wrinkles. While we often lament that men age like fine wine and we women just age, here’s the silver lining. Women have a layer of subcutaneous fat beneath their skin, which makes it more sensitive and supple. Despite this leading to wrinkles in later life, it all adds beautifully to our radiant glow!

While we've treaded a lighthearted path here, it's essential to remember that we are all unique in our own way. Understanding our differences can lead to stronger bonds, healthier interactions, and much more understanding between the sexes. So, why not embark on this journey of discovery together?

To learn more about our beautiful differences and similarities, don't forget to check out the latest episode of our “Where's The Lemonade” podcast. Feel free to share the post and spread the love! And don’t forget, we’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences too.

 Lemonade Moment of the Week

Rachels birthday today, she was trying to decide if she was going to take the kids out to dinner or get take out. They had some funny comments. Happy birthday Rachel!

 Links

https://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/images/mr/marrquiz.pdf

 Quiz

1. Is the basic brain pattern that we have from conception male or female?

2. Who are more likely to be colour-blind – men or women?

3. Who have better spatial awareness?

4. How do women shop?

5. How do men shop?

6. Whose skin is more sensitive to touch – man's or woman's?

7. Who feel the cold more?

8. Who are better at reading body language?

9. Who are better at distinguishing between high-pitched noises?

10. Who are better at identifying from where sounds come?

11. Who have the lower pain threshold?

12. Who are better able to discern salty or bitter tastes?

13. Who are better able to discern sweet tastes?

14. Who have the finer sense of smell?

15. Who have more brain cells?

16. Who use only the left side of the brain for speech?

17. Who are better at languages?

18. Who are better at maths?

19. Who find it easier to read while listening and talking?

20. Whose brain is more compartmentalised?

21. How does a woman get rid of problems from her mind?

22. Who use more words in a day? ….

23. and by what rough proportion?

24. What chief purpose do men see in the telephone?

25. What chief purpose do women see in the telephone?

26. Who are able to speak and listen at the same time?

27. When a man has a problem what does he do?

28. What does a woman need to do when reading a map?

29. Who find it easier to use a TV remote control?

30. Who are better at intricate handcraft?

 Quiz Answers 

1. Is the basic brain pattern that we have from conception male or female? All brains are initially female, but for males it changes from six weeks after conception and men's brains develop differently. Because men's brains change there is more potential for wider extremes of brain capabilities. Therefore more men are likely to be geniuses or mentally handicapped.

2. Who are more likely to be colour-blind – men or women? Over 10% of men are at least partially colour-blind. Very few women are.

3. Who have better spatial awareness? Men. So they find it easier to park a car or to reverse it. 4. How do women shop? They find shopping relaxing, rejuvenating - trying on different clothes. It can be unstructured and it does not need a definite outcome. (This does not apply to food shopping though!)

5. How do men shop? Men shop with definite objectives and a timetable – the quicker the better. 6. Whose skin is more sensitive to touch – men's or women's? Women's – their skin is thinner; also they have an extra layer of fat beneath it, which adds to beauty in youth and wrinkles in old age.

7. Who feel the cold more? Men – because they lack that layer of fat. But because of it women have the greater problem with hot temperatures.

8. Who are better at reading body language? Women.

9. Who are better at distinguishing between high-pitched noises? Women.

10. Who are better at identifying from where sounds come? Men.

11. Who have the lower pain thr...

 Medical Advances

 Prenatal Care and Screening:

* Then: Limited prenatal screening options; basic ultrasound and some genetic tests.

* Now: Comprehensive prenatal screenings, including non-invasive prenatal testing (NIPT) for genetic conditions, 

 3D/4D ultrasounds, and detailed anomaly scans.

 Fertility Treatments:

* Then: Basic fertility treatments like IVF were available but less refined.

* Now: Advanced reproductive technologies, including improved IVF techniques, egg freezing, and genetic screening of 

 embryos.

 Birth Practices:

* Then: More routine use of episiotomies, less emphasis on natural birth, 1 in 20 births were c section

* Now: Greater emphasis on natural and personalized birth plans, midwifery, and doulas; increased options for pain 

 management and labor support.1 in 5 births are c section.

 Technology

 Information Access:

* Then: Reliance on books, limited internet resources, and advice from family and friends.

* Now: Extensive online resources, parenting apps, telemedicine consultations, and virtual support groups.

 Monitoring and Gadgets:

* Then: Basic baby monitors, fewer technological aids.

* Now: Smart baby monitors with video and health tracking features, wearable devices for babies, and smart nursery 

 equipment.

 Societal and Cultural Changes

 Parental Leave:

* Then: Shorter and less comprehensive parental leave policies in many places.

* Now: Improved parental leave policies in many regions, with some countries offering extended and paid leave for 

 both parents.

 Work-Life Balance:

* Then: More traditional roles with often one parent staying at home.

* Now: Increased focus on work-life balance, remote working options, and more fathers taking active roles in 

 child-rearing.

 Lifestyle and Parenting Trends

 Parenting Styles:

* Then: More authoritative and traditional parenting styles.

* Now: Emphasis on gentle parenting, attachment parenting, and positive discipline.

 Health and Safety:

* Then: Basic safety guidelines and fewer regulations.

* Now: Stringent safety standards for baby products, awareness of safe sleep practices (e.g., back-to-sleep campaign),

 and more focus on mental health.

 Financial and Economic Factors

 Cost of Raising a Child:

* Then: Lower overall costs, but fewer resources to manage expenses.

* Now: Higher costs associated with childcare, education, and healthcare, but more financial planning tools and resources.

 Economic Conditions:

* Then: Different economic pressures, often influenced by regional economic stability.

* Now: Current economic challenges, such as housing costs and student loan debts, affect family planning decisions.

These differences highlight the evolution in healthcare, technology, societal norms, and economic conditions that impact the experience of having and raising a child today compared to 20 years ago.

 Lemonade moment of the week:

David is gone we miss him. But he is working hard trying to become a state lifeguard.

 Links

https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/how-has-childbirth-changed-century

Paige and Darren just graduated, Sam. He will be headed off to BYU in the fall. Now, they are just down to one child at home, who will be a senior next year. They will ease their way into empty nesting. But what about the summer? This is a unique challenge when you have older kids as opposed to littles. Let's delve into how they will handle the summer.

* Give the kids a schedule. This was a lifesaver when kids were little—they had a schedule for the morning. Flexible in the afternoon. But what about older high school and college kids? Schedule? Do they need a schedule?

* Limit screentime. When little, this is much easier. I had a jar of popsicle sticks with things to do on them. I don’t think the older kids would be interested in those sticks. Do you limit an 18 or 19-year-old screentime? 

* Work during the summer? Yes or no? Paige and Darren say yes. But if not, give them something productive to do. Sleeping in until noon every day is not a good way to spend three months of summer. They need productive days to feel a purpose. Internships, volunteering, taking summer classes, helping out with projects at home…

* Managing three different work schedules. Calendar, Calendar, Calendar!

* Family activities. Can everyone be together in the summer? It's a question we often ask ourselves. But it's important to make time for these shared experiences, as they create lasting memories and strengthen our bond as a family. 

* Follow basic family etiquette. Where are you? What time will you be home? Check in. Clean up after yourself. Be polite. 

 Lemonade moment of the week:

Sam graduated. It's a bittersweet moment, seeing Sammy grow up so fast. The time has flown by, and I'm filled with a mix of sadness and excitement for his future. He's off to BYU, with his siblings close by. We'll miss him, and the house will feel empty without his friends. The pantry will be lonely… But it's also a moment of pride, knowing that we've guided him to this point in his life.

 Links

* https://www.almostemptynest.net/how-to-survive-the-summer-with-your-high-school-and-college-kids/

* https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/4-summer-coparenting-schedules

--- 

In today's world, navigating the intricacies of parenting can often feel like walking a tightrope. This was the focus topic in a recent 'Where's the Lemonade?' podcast - guiding teenagers and young adults through adulthood while maintaining the delicate balance of freedom and safety. 

The hosts, Darren & Paige Pulsipher, shared their unique nighttime rule. Once their children reach the ages of eighteen or nineteen, they must send a midnight update about their location, companions, activities, and estimated return time. If their adventures are to last beyond the initially stated time, they need to check in once more. This rule, the hosts believe, is a fine balance between freedom and responsibility, fostering a culture of transparency between parents and their offspring, promoting respect in the familial ecosystem.

Living under the same roof with their college-aged children brings its own set of anxieties for the hosts. Whether it’s the late-night worry about their children’s safety or the accommodation chaos left behind after a party, navigation through these circumstances becomes crucial. This is where the 'we’re home text' rule comes into play, a necessary measure to reassure worried parents about their child's safety.

As the parents highlight, forming and adhering to rules is a significant part of growing up. One such rule stressed the importance of cleaning up after oneself. The hosts mentioned that they do not function as a restaurant, and their children are expected to clean their dishes after use. These rules, they believe, are not just about maintaining order in the house, but also about imbuing a sense of discipline and responsibility within their children, qualities that will help them cope in adulthood.

Abiding by household rules, no matter how small forms the backbone of the household culture the hosts have built over the years. Etiquette, such as voicing your departures and avoiding food on the couch, might seem trivial. Still, they contribute towards fostering respect for the rules, which eventually transcends into consideration for the parents and their efforts.

All the rules set forth by the parents, as strict as they may seem, are ultimately grounded in love and the intent to prepare their children for the responsibilities of adult life. They view the shift towards independent life as a preparation phase, infused with bittersweet nostalgia but envisioned with unending hope for their children's bright future.

The hosts of 'Where's the Lemonade?' have undoubtedly provided their listeners with valuable insights and actionable solutions for the parenting journey. Their discussion forwarded the idea of embracing the tartness of 'lemons' life throws our way, only to create a refreshing glass of 'lemonade', or wisdom, for future use. And remember—the journey to adulthood should be a fulfilling and memorable transition for both parents and children. With these strategies in place, you can navigate this phase with confidence and optimism.

Your partner has an amazing job. They love what they do and they get to travel. How hard is it to be supportive when you are the one left home with all the daily tasks and they are enjoying lunches, dinners, parties, beaches, golfing, etc?

 Tips to cope with being home alone:

* Get up before your kids. Gives you time to get things organized before the chaos begins.

* Hire a sitter or ask a family member for help. It might save your sanity, even if it's just going to the store by yourself.

* Start bedtime early. By the end of the day everyone can be grumpy and tired. Without your partner to help in the nightime routine, it can be very hard. 

* Start early, be patient and get those kids to bed so you can have some alone time.

* Make contact with mom or dad, whoever is gone. It will be helpful for everyone if you can keep them in the loop.

* EASY DINNER!! Yes please. You dont need the stress of having to deal with everything alone and making a complicated dinner. Keep it easy, order out if possible, mac and cheese.

 Protect your relationship:

* Discuss things beforehand. How long will they be gone? What will they be doing? What are the expectations of communicating while apart? Are there expectations of things to get done? 

* Develop rituals while apart. “Landed” 

Talk daily. You need that time to connect and discuss what's happening on both sides. 

* Take time to have some intimate time before their trip and right after. 

Realize it's not a fairy tale. It's easy to feel like your traveling partner is seeing and doing amazing things during their work trips. It’s not all fun and games. A work trip is not a vacation…unless it is! Your partner is working, and they are tired from jet lag, sick of eating out, missing you and kids, they are lonely. 

* Be understanding. Don't let resentment build up.

 Take care of yourself:

* Socialize. Set up a playdate with friends if the kids are little. Go out to lunch with your bestie. Get out of the house.

* Look at your time alone as a positive. You don't have to share the TV. You can work on projects you have been putting off. Read a book and relax.

* Escape when they get home. Your partner might not want to manage the kids alone when they first get home, but it's good for them. Sleep in or get out alone.

* Think about the points your partner is racking up for a fun vacation together!!

# Links:

https://intermountainhealthcare.org/blogs/how-to-cope-when-your-partner-travels-often-for-work

# Lemonade moment of the week: 

Darren was out of town so Paige was lonely, but the lemonade is she got a lot done around the house. Pantry, closet, office all clean. And…. had the tv all to herself, and didn't eat big meals.

# GenAI Images

!steampunk

!photowhite

!bw50

 Embracing the Future with Generative AI

Generative Artificial Intelligence (GenAI) is not a thing of the future but a present reality that has been seamlessly intertwining with our lives, often without us even noticing. From streamlining business operations to making household management a breeze, GenAI has the potential to make our lives easier and more productive. Paige Pulsipher, the CEO of Our Home, emphasized this during a recent discussion. 

 GenAI - A Personal Secretary?

Do you recall the countless hours you've spent searching the web for the best theater play in a city? With GenAI, you could get the answer in just a few seconds. It's about more than providing information promptly; GenAI is interactive, making it more user-friendly. It understands complete sentences and specific descriptions and provides the information accordingly, without requiring you to tweak your language to fit an algorithm.

 Trusted Companion or Potential Deceiver?

While GenAI makes life easier, Pulsipher highlights an important aspect - "trust, but verify." You entrust tasks and queries to GenAI, but it's equally crucial to verify the results it provides. A healthy dose of skepticism can prove beneficial in making the best use of this revolutionary technology.

 The ‘CEO of Your Household’ Gets a Digital Upgrade

Running a large household or a successful business can be quite a task. Luckily, GenAI can assist with answers to specific queries, planning efficient schedules, and more. It could offer valuable insights and suggestions to help you manage your responsibilities more productively.

GenAI is arguably the next step in the evolution of artificial intelligence. Capable of generating human-readable content and interacting seamlessly with users, GenAI is a game-changer in technology and productivity. As Pulsipher revealed through her experiences, a little trust and intentional interaction could significantly enhance our relationship with technology, simplifying our lives.

Here's a call to action for all tech enthusiasts and those apprehensive about embracing technology. Why not give GenAI a try and experience the wholesome blend of ease, productivity, and innovation it brings? Additionally, feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with GenAI in the comment section below, and let's embrace this digital transformation together.

 Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren's Betta fish "ED-T" gets a new home, and he continues to stream his ED-T fish cam to help promote his other podcast, "Embracing Digital This Week." Check out the fish cam https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vs_UlYlGAs0

That’s it for this post, but stay tuned for more insights, information, and entertainment. Don't forget to share this post and spread the word about the wonders of GenAI.

 Encountering Evil from Safety

True crime stories echo our deepest fears and curiosities about the most disturbing aspects of human behavior. In a controlled and safe environment such as a book, a podcast, or a TV show, we become observers on the sidelines of evil, weighing in on the battle between right and wrong. Our fascination with these narratives, thus, could be understood as an exploratory mechanism - a means of understanding the extremes of the human psyche.

The fight between good and evil has been a staple in story-telling for centuries. It allows us to confront our fears and anxieties about crime and punishment in a relatively safe environment without the direct threat of physical harm. By examining the mind of a criminal and witnessing their eventual punishment, we can vicariously experience the thrill of danger, all while huddled comfortably on our couch.

 Discovering the Dark Side of Human Behavior

True crime stories also satisfy an inescapable curiosity about aberrant human behavior. What prompts someone to plot and commit a dreadful crime? Why would someone feel the justification – or even the entitlement – to cause harm or take lives? These narratives delve into the psyche of the criminals, offering us unique insights into the murkier side of human nature – an aspect that most of us would generally prefer to avoid contemplating.

Understanding such boundaries of aberrant behavior also serves as a potent reminder of the thin barrier that separates civility from chaos. It's a stark homage to our capacity for good and a powerful reminder of the dark side that lurks within the spectrum of humanity. 

 The Impact of Over-indulgence

With an ocean of true crime content available, however, there's a risk of developing a skewed perspective of reality. Consuming an excessive amount of this type of content can generate a false impression that gruesome crimes are rampant, thus possibly inflating fear and anxiety levels.

Maintaining a balance is key. Moderate consumption and an alternating between consuming a true crime series and lighter, more uplifting content are essential. Such balance can help avoid creating an atmosphere of paranoia or fear that can come with prolonged exposure to violent, gruesome content.

 The Charm of True Crime

Our fascination with true crime is a mix of curiosity, fear, empathy, and the need to traverse the extremes of human behavior. True crime stories serve as a pathway, enabling us to experience the darker side of human nature vicariously and from a safe distance. They allow us to navigate the peripheries of danger without physical risk and force us to grapple with the unfathomable acts that some are capable of. Remember to watch in moderation and mix the viewing schedule to maintain a healthy balance!

We all know that family vacations are meant to relax, unwind, and spend some quality time with our loved ones. But, how do you ensure a smooth and enjoyable trip when your travel companions are unpredictable, opinionated, and passionate teenagers? Based on the experiences of one family who recently traveled abroad during their spring break to Italy, we reveal some important tips that could make your next family overseas trip a lot easier.

 Involving Teens in Travel Planning: Fostering Excitement and Learning

Traveling with teenagers is all about giving them a sense of ownership and understanding their unique perspectives and interests. This starts right from the planning stage. By involving teenagers in decision-making, you not only allow them to contribute meaningfully but also keep their enthusiasm and interest alive throughout the journey.

Guiding them to form opinions about various options in different cities gives an opportunity for everyone to learn about new locations together. Keeping room for flexibility can ensure that the plans are adjusted as per the evolving interests and energy levels of young travelers. By doing this, you make them feel considered and in charge, reducing their possible resentment of being dragged into the trip.

 Handling Different Personalities: Striving for Balance

Handling different personalities during a vacation is another challenge that requires both patience and strategy. Your stoic bookworm may want nothing more than to quietly immerse themselves in the intricacies of the local culture and history, while your fiery, outgoing teen could want to try everything the locale has to offer.

The families who experienced these personality differences amongst their children when abroad highlighted the importance of personal space and independence. Allow your children the time and room to follow their own interests, within reasonable boundaries of safety and time. Allow them to play games, read books and even explore museums independently. This way, they can enjoy their vacation in their own ways.

 Optimal Vacation Planning: Balancing Preferences and Participation

To foster an environment that encourages both - enjoying the moment and creating unforgettable memories together, it is necessary to ensure everyone's preferences are considered and everyone feels involved in the planning process. 

This family’s experience teaches us a significant truth - to have a memorable and enjoyable family vacation, especially with teenagers, it's important that we listen, compromise, and accommodate everyone's preferences and styles. The objective should be to create a balance between group activities and individual exploration. 

Traveling offers an excellent opportunity to bond with our children, understand them better, and make unforgettable memories together. Remember, the success of your family vacation largely depends on how open, flexible, and considerate you are during your travel planning and execution stages. Don't forget to involve your teenagers in the decision-making process and you will enjoy a smoother and memorable journey together.

 Financial Responsibility and Legal Gray Areas

The transition of children from dependents to independent adults sometimes leaves co-parents in gray areas regarding who pays for what. For instance, health insurance is a significant aspect that often falls into this gray area. Under Obamacare, children can retain their health coverage under their parent's insurance until they are 26. This is a great relief for parents who, like Darren, incurred no additional cost in providing health insurance for their older children.

However, the issue of who should handle unexpected medical bills is more complex. A real-life example shows that deciding who should foot the bill can be contentious when an adult child falls sick while visiting one parent. These kinds of situations can cause disagreements and stress for both parents and the young adult. Therefore, the need for clearly delineated responsibilities in such scenarios is very apparent.

 The Shared Cost Concept

The challenges encountered in dealing with unexpected bills for grown-up children may require parents to rethink the tenets of sharing costs. A couple of questions arise in such situations. For instance, do both parents have equal decision-making rights? And does who pays what influence these decisions? These issues can be pretty knotty, with the child often stuck in the middle of the confusion.

As Paige discovered, the problem of how to split costs for adult children among divorced couples needs to be more well-researched. An apparent solution is to specify how to share financial responsibilities for adult children in the divorce decree. Despite its obvious benefits, the downside to this idea may be its potential to hinder the young adult's drive towards financial independence or completion of college.

 Maintaining Financial Integrity among Co-parenting Adults

Recognizing that co-parenting doesn't necessarily end when a child turns eighteen is critical. More than ever, co-parents must set clear boundaries and communicate effectively about their financial responsibilities towards their adult children. Doing so removes any ambiguity and reduces the chances of misunderstanding. As Paige emphasizes, drafting these boundaries can help keep the young adult away from the potentially negative impacts of financial disputes.

 Conclusion

Navigating financial responsibilities toward grown-up children as co-parents requires a delicate balance. Parents must consider fostering their children's independence while maintaining fairness and equity in shouldering expenses. The entire process is a learning experience, but ultimately, it underscores the need for clear communication and mutual understanding among co-parents.

 Lemonade Moment of the Week

 We went to Texas to see the total eclipse. The skies were covered in clouds, and we thought we were not going to see the eclipse after all. Then, the clouds parted just in time, and it was cloudy again right after the eclipse. We were ready to find lemonade even if we didn't see the eclipse. One cute baby made the trip-- totally worth it!

 Links

https://newdirectionfamilylaw.com/blog/child-support/what-happens-when-a-child-of-divorced-parents-turns-18/

 Outline

* Typically when kids turn 18 and graduate from high school, child support and co-parenting ends. What is in your divorce decree for when the kids turn 18? Is that important to add? 

* Just David left at home. Still has a custody schedule. What about when college kids come home? Do they follow the schedule? What about next summer after our last one has graduated, do we still do a summer schedule for him?

* Who pays for what after the kids turn 18? Medical? Dental? College? Flights home? Computers? Cars? Car insurance? 

* Are you putting the kids in the middle of you and your ex? Are you doing what is best for the child or just wanting to stick it to your ex still? Check yourself.

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## Middle seat gets dibs on the armrests

The middle seat sucks. You’re constantly worried about encroaching on your neighbor’s side, fearing you’ll fall asleep and drop your head on their shoulder. For this reason, the person in the middle seat gets dibs on the armrests.

## Stand up to let your neighbors through

Don’t do the half lift; it's awkward to lean back. Stand up, unbuckle your seatbelt, and wait in the aisle until your neighbor returns. It’s a good excuse to stretch your legs at the same time. 

## Keep your belongings to yourself

I still remember trying to push someone else’s shoes back onto ‘their side’. Yes, there’s not a lot of room, but manage your belongings and keep them in the pocket of your seat, under the seat in front of you or stowed overhead.

## Say hello, but read the room

It’s always nice to greet your neighbor but gauge whether they want a conversation. Earphones generally mean they have zero interest in chatting.

## Don't recline on short-haul flights

Unless you want your neighbor’s coffee or meal to end up in their lap, be mindful and resist reclining on short-haul flights. I know it’s tricky when the person in front of you reclines; it often creates a domino effect with everyone reclining to create more space. But think about that person in the last row who can’t recline at all. It’s 6 hours or less, suck it up.

## Odorless food only

The rules of the office microwave apply on the plane. No tuna, pungent curries, or oozy cheeses – save anything smelly for your home.

## Have all your stuff ready before the plane lands

We all want to desperately get off the plane and you have hours to get your stuff together. Don’t hold everyone up and decide to pack your belongings after the plane lands. Get it done before the descent.

## Wait your turn to exit the plane

Don’t you love it when people from the last row jump up and try to get as far ahead as possible? Getting your bag from above becomes impossible because everyone is blocking the aisle. Just wait till your aisle is up to grab your bag and exit.

## Just be nice

We’re all in the same confined space together so let’s just all get along. Be respectful of the crew and fellow passengers, and we’ll all have a more pleasant journey.

## Lemonade Moment of the Week

Paige goes to Disneyland with her siblings. Sibling Rivalries popup and they have fun reliving childhood memories.
https://www.delicious.com.au/travel/travel-news/gallery/10-plane-etiquette-rules-everyone-should-know-before-boarding/uhpb48u4?page=10

Darren and Paige have been talking recently about being stuck in a rut, kind of bored, and very predictable. When they aren’t traveling or at something for the kids, they watch a show. Until the show ends, they are in a show hole. Or they go out to dinner, but what else can you do…

A few weeks ago, they would go out on a date. Paige made 2 jars with restaurants to take the “where should we go” out of it. Then Paige had an idea for a date. Head to Kohls and you each pick out two outfits for each other to try on, something you would like to see your partner in (Paige said no lingerie). Then they went into a big dressing room and had a lot of fun trying on clothes together and seeing what each other would pick out. 

What else can we do to not be bored:

Could you ask yourself why you feel bored?
-It's important not to try to fix boredom but to consider the reason behind your feelings.
You can take responsibility for changing.
- Now that you’ve assessed the issues around why your marriage has become stale, maybe it's time to make a change. Babysitter for young children, dinner, day trip, weekend getaway. Make it your job to think outside the box and step out of the ordinary.
Consider what you used to do when you weren't bored. 
- When you first got married, you probably made eye contact in conversation and focused on one another. Sometimes, familiarity needs to be revisited. There are emotions and stories that only you share. You can take a trip down memory lane.
Be Spontaneous.
Change up your routine. Have a picnic. Instead of turning on the TV, turn on some music and dance. If you are bored with your routine, change it. You do that when you decide to be spontaneous.
You can start a new habit together.
To avoid a boring marriage, it might be time to do something exciting together. Maybe decide to make one day a week special, like Milkshake Monday. Take a class together. Grow and learn together. 

The article used in the podcast. https://www.markmerrill.com/5-things-boring-marriage/

Viral Story Prompts Discussion

The conversation began when co-host Darren read a viral story about a woman who spotted two young siblings left alone for an extended time at SeaWorld while the parents rode rollercoasters. This prompted the hosts to explore whether this constitutes neglectful parenting or a reasonable level of independence.

Cultural and Generational Differences

Darren and Paige note that attitudes toward leaving kids unattended vary by culture. Some countries like Finland commonly go babies outside in strollers alone. They speculate whether American parents are overly cautious due to heightened abduction fears. As kids themselves decades ago, their parents likely had different standards.

Data Diving: Child Abduction Statistics

While kidnapping stories spread quickly online, data reveals stranger abductions are extremely rare. Out of thousands of missing child reports yearly, only 20-30 are actual abductions, per FBI statistics. Accurate information could reshape societal views on acceptable parenting choices.

State Laws and Judgment Calls
Most states allow parents discretion, with no set ages dictating readiness. The hosts agree each child matures differently, so fixed rules are unwise. While vigilance is vital, granting needed independence should be weighed carefully rather than judged harshly. Open minds and compassion for others allow thoughtful discussion on this complex issue.

Lemonade Moment of the week
The boys are headed back to school, which gives more structure to our lives, but we are also losing another kid to College this year. We will miss having Madeline around.

Links

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kidnapping_in_the_United_States#
• https://www.pennlive.com/news/2019/07/attempted-abductions-by-strangers-is-very-rare-expert.html

Dear Mom and Dad,
The operative word here Mom and Dad is My events. You are a guest here and I ask you to act accordingly. My events include but are not limited to:
1. My teacher’s conferences.
2. My athletic events.
3. My musical recitals.
4. My birthday party.
5. My school plays.
6. My school graduations
And later
7. My Prom
8. My going to college
9. My wedding
So here are some guidelines which I ask if you can’t follow, best you postpone coming until you can.
Your Divorce, My Event
My life outside my family’s divorce is very important to me. It is also what keeps me sane in this world called “figuring out two houses by myself.” Whenever I play soccer, I only want to focus on playing soccer. If divorced parents come to watch our games, I don’t want the two of you to stand out. I also prefer you don’t rush to bring your latest “squeeze” and I won’t be able to tell you my preference. When you both have new people in your life, Dad I don’t want you to call Mom’s BF a Pr$%^& and Mom I don’t want you to call Dad’s GF a Wh)(&^*. Yes, this has happened to other kids way too often.
If you use my events to vent your anger at each other, I suffer the most. I am embarrassed, ashamed, and I let my team down because I can’t focus on the game. Keep your divorce out of my events! Don’t use my events for your anger.
Be concerned about me!
Whenever you come to my teacher’s conference remember why you are there. Hopefully, you are there to see how I am adjusting to being the child of divorced parents. My teacher’s conference is not a place for you to compete for who is being a better parent. Ask my teacher how she thinks I am doing and what you can do to be a better parent for Me! My teacher’s conference is an opportunity for you to find out about my welfare. It is an opportunity for you both to make my life easier by listening to my teacher’s recommendations.
Respect Me!
My school graduations, music recitals, school plays, and even my birthday are my events. Therefore, Once again you are a guest! Ask me if I have any requests from you. Do I care if you sit together or apart? Let me know who is bringing me and who is taking me home. If you have feelings about any of the logistics, work it out with your therapist.
I understand if I have one or two contentious divorced parents you will always sit away from each other. Don’t scream or yell at each other it is my event. Never try to make me feel guilty if I hug both of you and am nice to both of you. Don’t tell me I can’t say Hi to my other parent or even try to keep me from greeting my other parent. Yes, this also happens all too often to kids. Once again remember this is an important event for me. Remember it is not about either of you!
Move On
The more you do your inner work and move on from the divorce the better things will be for me. I don’t want to be your confidant. I have to figure out love after going through the trauma of my parent’s divorce.
And, I cannot figure out your love life so zip it. When I go off to college, leave home, get married, and/or all the normal things people do, I expect you both to be focused on what I need not each other and your unfinished business. By the time I get married and I have to figure out how to handle two families to my finances one please understand. Divorce doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Divorce doesn’t have to be the most traumatic event of a child’s life. When parents divorce as adults, get an adequate support system, reinvent themselves, and move on we all benefit. So to recap:
1. Remember it is my event and you are a guest.
2. Remember no anger allowed at my event.
3. Remember no unfinished business at my event.
4. Remember I will be greeting and hugging both of you.
5. Remember ask about how I am doing if appropriate.
6. Remember I want all of us to happily land on our feet.
It’s pretty simple really. My events are important to me and for me. Please use them to be the great parent I know you can be.

Lemonade moment of the week:
Broken down car, Broken garage door, Rain, cold, Nothing could stop the wedding.

Links:
⦁ https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/how-to-attend-an-event-as-co-parents
⦁ https://backbonepower.com/etiquette-for-divorced-parents-attending-their-childs-events/

Definition of “Nachoing”:
People often ask, what is Nachoing? The Facebook response is usually “Nacho Kids, Nacho Problem.” Well, not quite. The stepkids can definitely be a problem for you. It’s “Nacho Kids, Nacho Responsibility.” The stepkids are not the responsibility of the stepmom/stepparent.
The Nacho Kids method is a philosophy and methodology for blended families that consists of proven techniques and strategies, the psychology of human interaction, the mind, personalities, personal life experiences, and a track record of positive client results.
“Nachoing” as it is often referred to as, or using the Nacho Kids method, is stepping back from situations that cause you and/or your blended relationship stress and realizing when you feel you have “no control,” you actually have the ultimate control. And that is how you let it affect you.

Nachoing is to:
• Treat the stepkid as you would a friend’s kid.
• Allow the bio parent to parent their own kid as they deem fit.
• Not engaging in negative and unhealthy interactions with the stepkids.
• Act as a babysitter in the absence of the bio parent.
• Say nothing about, or to, the stepkids unless it’s sheer praise.
• Remove the target off your back and no longer be the “bad guy.”
• Have no interaction with your significant other’s ex (the other bio parent).
• Let go of the things you cannot control and realize the ultimate control is to control how you let these things affect you.
• Help the stepkid if they ask you for help. That help can be by responding with, “Go Ask Your Dad.”

A breakdown of the Nacho Kids method:
• Understanding you are not their mom legally, biologically, nor through osmosis or a genie in a bottle. They have a mom and a dad, and you are neither.
• Learning how to step back from the chaos.
• Identifying your personal triggers, the roots of those triggers, and how to avoid/cope with “unhealthy” interactions.
• Understanding why the blend is so hard and how even our minds play against the blend being successful.
• Focusing on your blended relationship or marriage, not the stepkids or your significant other’s ex.
• Being supportive of your significant other in their parenting role. It’s their job to parent. It’s your job to be their partner.
• Creating the “stepparent” role that works best for you and your blended family.
• Re-engaging with the stepkids in the role you designed to fit your blend!

Lemonade Moment of the Week:

Great trip with the kids to Italy. Hard time adjusting the the time change when they got back.

One of the reasons that they say not to go to bed angry is because it’s typically difficult to sleep if you are angry. But what could be worse than going to bed angry is staying up and arguing...

Here's what might happen if you stay up and argue:

1.      Become more tired.

2.      Think less clearly.

3.      Get angrier the later it gets.

4.      Get more triggered.

5.      Say worse things.

6.      Get more hurt.

So instead of fixating on trying to get thru this fight so that you can get to bed, focus on what would help calm the situation down. Focusing on calming the energy will help you reduce the chance you'll get to bed angry and reduce the fighting. 

In 85% of couples, one person is the pursuer, and the other is the distancer.  There’s no crime in being either.  Pursuers look to “finish the discussion” to reduce relationship distress.  Distancers use the strategy of pausing an argument and using natural decay of energy to reduce distress.  

Work on the Calm. If the argument isn’t getting resolved and you’re going in circles, try to pause the situation and resume at an agreed-upon time to check-in. This does not mean you are just sweeping the argument under the rug; you still need to discuss whatever upset you, but give it a minute to calm down.

This is a complex skill to learn, pausing,  but it can be helpful with some effort. This might not work for everyone, some might want to keep going at it, but I say, get some sleep and some distance!

Lemonade moment of the week - 

Julianne and Boyd are getting married, and the rehearsal dinner is out of the house, accelerating the "honey-do" list to 6 six weeks instead of 3 years.

Links: 

• https://www.heartfeltcounselingmn.com/blog/2020/1/30/marriage-myth-dont-go-to-bed-angry - Paige’s opinion
• https://www.verywellmind.com/never-go-to-bed-angry-the-pros-and-cons-of-this-practice-5214352 - Darren's Opinion

When my child goes to their dad’s house, he has different rules. When they come home, they think they can do whatever they want.  I am tired of the battle. How can I help them adjust to the different house rules? 
This is a brilliantly asked question about a common problem in divorced households. The question is not, “How can I get my ex to parent like me or to agree with me?” By the way, if you ask your ex to do this, they will most likely NOT just because it's you asking. But the question is, “How can I help my child adjust between the two homes?” Brilliant. This is not focusing on your ex, which you have no control over; this is focusing on your child.
The answer is complicated… Managing the different rules, expectations, and personalities is challenging for the entire family. This can be highly emotional, and there’s likely to be some conflict as you figure out what works best for you, your child, and her father.  But you can help your child understand and respect the different expectations of each parent without battles while still enjoying the time she spends with both of you.
The article we are referencing for this topic talks about perspective and how it starts with YOU. 
Perspective
Think about your attitude and how you are responding to this situation. If you— understandably—feel angry or stressed, your child will likely feel this way, too. Your words, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language all communicate how you feel.
Try to take the perspective of your child’s father {or mother). For example, like other divorced fathers, he may try to make up for the divorce by letting her do whatever she wants, so there is little conflict while they are together or by buying gifts to compensate for the loss. If you understand your child’s father’s motives, it may make this situation more manageable.
Whether or not you and your child’s father can work on this together, the task for you is to help your child—as you put it—“adjust between the different house rules.”
• Ask your child questions encouraging a back-and-forth conversation, not just a yes or no answer. Ask: “How does it feel to have different rules at your dad’s and my house?” The more your child talks about her feelings, the better she can understand and respond to other people’s points of view.
• Set boundaries about the rules. Although your child may like one set of rules better than the other, it’s best to be direct about the fact that the rules are different, and it is her responsibility to follow both sets of rules.
• Consistency and Follow Through. Keep your rules consistent, and follow through with the consequences you have decided on. Your child depends on you to stay reliable even if things feel unstable.
• Focus on the Positive. If you focus on the negative or get into battles, try reinforcing positive actions by commenting on them, like: “It was so helpful that you threw the trash into the wastebasket!”
• Assess Yourself. If you are upset about your child’s not following your rules, ask yourself what you expect of her and of yourself. Step back and look at your perspective. Are your expectations realistic? For example, maybe your child can’t finish all her homework at her father’s house. See if you can reach a compromise that works for all of you.

Make a plan together:
 This is the most critical strategy to use. When you and your child engage in a problem-solving process together, you help her learn to gain Executive Function skills.
Executive Functions are the skills we use to manage our thoughts, feelings, and behavior to achieve goals. Studies have found that when children develop Executive Function skills, they are more likely to thrive now and in the future.
Determine the problem. Explain to her that you often battle each other and want to devise better management methods.
• Talk with her about what’s most challenging for her transitioning from one home to another and from one set of rules to another. Please write down the issues she faces without any judgment.
Encourage her to think of ways she might solve these problems.
• Brainstorm as many ways as you can come up with to solve these problems. Again, write them down without judgment.
Evaluate the solutions. Here, you ask your child to take her and others’ perspectives.
• Ask your daughter what will and won’t work for each suggested solution. Have her consider whether it can work for her, you, and her father.
Create a strategy to try out to make things better.
• Decide together which strategy or strategies you will experiment with. Set a time to get back together to discuss how it works.
Evaluate how the solution or solutions are working after some time has passed.
• When you get together to talk about what is working and what isn’t, make sure that you consider each solution from the perspectives of all involved.
When your child takes some responsibility for solving the problems she faces, she is more likely to follow through on the solutions than if she’s told what to do. In effect, you are giving her a skill for life!
Links:
https://www.kith.care/skill/divorced-parents-with-different-rules

Lemonade moment of the week: 
Redoing the laundry room. Frustrating but slowly getting done.

Don’t hold grudges:  When you are constantly together, the only way to get through the day is to either spill or let it go. Always remind yourself to let go of things that aren’t important. If something is bothering you, take a minute and talk about it.

Make time for each other: I know this sounds silly when you spend every day with each other, but you still need quality time together. Plan something fun to do, not just the mundane that is life. Play a game, go for a walk, go out to eat…

Compromise: Spending so much time together, there are going to be things that you are struggling with that your partner is doing. You have to discuss these things and devise a compromise so you don’t go crazy on each other. Maybe it's something as small as you feeling like you are constantly checked up during the day; compromise might be staying in different sections of the house until certain times, like lunch. It might be as simple as changing your approach, but discuss it and meet in the middle.

Admit when you're just fed up: Sometimes, we are in a bad mood and need space. Everything the other person does gets on your nerves; you need space. Let the other person know you are having a bad day so they can be more sensitive and not take too much personally. 

Time Out: Be honest if you need some time alone. Don’t just be grumpy and out of sorts with each other; take time for yourself. Go for a walk by yourself, play pickleball with friends, read a book, watch a show you want to watch all by yourself, whatever you need for a few hours to get away from each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder…does it?? 

I hope these tips help you cope with so much time together. Please send us any suggestions you might have.

Lemonade moment of the week:
Paige is out of town, so Darren is busy re-doing the laundry room.

Links: 

• https://www.bustle.com/wellness/too-much-time-together
• https://www.lovearoundme.com/blog/too-much-time-together-leads-to-an-unhealthy-relationship
• https://twogetlost.com/how-cope-spending-time-with-partner

Over time, however, things start to change. Challenges occur, and flaws emerge. The rose-colored glasses come off, and reality sets in. This is when love begins to morph a bit.  Saying loving things toward each other takes a bit more effort. Love takes more effort, but practice makes perfect! As you weather storms together, you develop a more profound love and appreciation for each other than ever before.

If you’ve been out of that “new” stage for a while and need some ideas to freshen your love up, here we go:

• YOU LOOK GREAT! Compliments work and mean a lot. Don’t hold back. We need to hear it!
• THANK YOU! After you’ve been together for a while, taking each other for granted is normal. Thank you is very simple and extremely important. It’s saying I appreciate what you do for me.
• I THINK YOU’RE AMAZING! We sometimes think that our partner knows magically what we are thinking. So, we stop vocalizing those thoughts.
• I LOVE YOU ANYWAY…When your spouse makes a mistake, it can be challenging for both of you. But what you say at that moment will have a lasting impact. When you say, “I love you anyway,” you’re telling them regardless of the mistake, I will still love you.
• WE’LL GET THROUGH IT! This is saying we’re a team, and I’m on your side. A marriage can go through many trials, and it's essential to make sure your partner feels your love through it.
• YES, I’D LOVE TO! Maybe the theatre or sports aren’t your things, but if your spouse loves those things, show your support. If they ask you and want you to join them, do it. That may not always be the case; sometimes they may want to go with friends or family who have the same love of that thing, but when they want you to go, go.
• I UNDERSTAND - Saying “I understand” really says, “I get you.” It’s a comfort to know that someone gets you without even really having to explain your feelings.
• WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? One of the most basic definitions of love is putting another’s needs before our own. We may find this easy for our children, but sometimes we forget to do it for our spouse. Remember to ask your spouse, “What can I do for you?” which says, “I want to support you and lessen your burden.” Sacrificing your time for something your spouse needs will strengthen your bond.
• I’M HERE FOR YOU! Remind your spouse that they can always count on you. Always have each other’s backs.
• I LOVE YOU! These 3 simple words should be said every day. They confirm your care and devotion

Do not let one day pass without saying loving things like these to your partner. Always ensure your spouse feels appreciated, validated, safe and secure with you. Pick several short phrases to say daily, and soon you’ll feel more loving toward each other.

Lemonade moment of the week

Paige and Darren attend the youngest of their children's swim meet in the snow!!!

Links

• https://www.verywellmind.com/simple-phrases-keep-you-in-love-4060485

Have you been able to stay friends with other couples who had previously been friends with you & your ex?  If so, have those couple friends become friends with you & your new spouse?

I am always interested in how couples attack the money issue…. I would say that is the hardest part of a marriage, I think kids are the hardest part of a marriage also without kids around what would there be to argue about except for money!

What was the main motivation to decide to jump into the dating scene again after your divorces?

Weren't you scared of getting into a relationship again? Especially with someone who was also divorced?

How did you tell your kids and how did they respond when you told them you were getting remarried and they were going to have to live with step siblings etc? How hard was that?

What advice would you give to someone just very recently divorced? What thoughts, attitudes, or actions help things to go well. Or, with hindsight, what things do you wish you had done differently? Any good survival tips for the frustration times during and early after?

What advice do you have for someone who is a friend watching someone they love go through a divorce?

How did you both deal with being in the same ward and church with Darrens ex?

Lemonade Moment of the Week

This week we went to Yosemite to take in the beautiful waterfalls and incredible views. After a great morning hiking to Vernal Falls, we decided to head over the Yosemite falls and then El Capitan. We hoped in the car and saw a line of cars blocking our way out of the Park. A rockside blocked the road out of the park. We took a detour to Currey Village for a two hour lunch to wait for the traffic to clear. Traffic appeared to be moving so we hopped in the car and headed out of the park. Four hours later we left the park, with great memories of the Park.

Are we saying the wrong things to our kids about the divorce??? Probably!! We think we are saying good healthy things to help our kids thru the divorce, but are we? I know we are just human and we are trying our best. But it is hard, we are stressed, emotional and have never been thru this before, so we are struggling to say the right things and hope that we are. We want to have our kids get thru this devastating life changing with as little trauma as possible. 

Our research department found information from psychologists on what are some phrases we are saying to our kids that we need to stop! I guarantee that we have and maybe still are saying some of these. Lets dig in:

1. “Your dad” or “Your mom” – that tiny addition of the word “your” creates otherness in the family. If you are now saying “your” the child is now hearing a separateness in who they are connecting with. Divorce does create changes in the family dynamic, but honoring how the child sees the parent can help keep a sense of cohesion.   

Nix the “your”. 

1. “The Situation” – You are talking with your friend and the kids are in the room and she brings up “The Situation” and how “The Situation” is affecting everyone.  “When you speak in code, it makes it seem like something sinister is going on.” The more you try to obfuscate what’s happening, the more anxious and curious your kids may become. “ 

Say instead – There are ways to explain divorce that is less abstract. You could even mention people they know who are divorced.

1. “It’s not about you” - When your instinct is to keep your children from thinking they’re to blame for the divorce, this probably feels like a totally logical and constructive response. But according to Dr. Rubenstein, this phrase isn’t specific enough to quell the “well then what caused it?!” anxieties, because for kids, something had to cause it.

“Children have active imaginations and can conjure many scenarios that have nothing to do with the       cause of the divorce,” she tells us. “It’s not about you” also negates the fact that the divorce very much        involves your kids, which, Dr. Rubenstein explains, can wind up complicating your child’s feelings and experiences and what they’re willing to share with you.

Say instead – You can explain that mom and dad are not getting along and don’t feel they can resolve it. Grown ups have adult issues that sometimes cannot be solved, as hard as they try.

1. “This is a good thing” – Sure,it might be a good thing for the family in the long term, but from a child’s persepective…not so much. This phrase sweeps their pain under the rug. “Almost every child wants their parents to be together under one roof. Even if one parent has addiction issues, anger issues, or other things a child can observe, most children want to believe in the fairytale that somehow things will all work out. It is challenging for them to see divorce as a benefit,” 

Say instead – Acknowledge that this is really, really hard on everyone! That your decisions was a last resort made to have the children grown up in a home without fighting or discord. 

1. “You will get double everything! – While this is true, most kids want two parents in the home instead of more things. This is another example of minimizing your child’s feelings, even thought it done out of your desire to protect them. 

Say instead – Emphasize that they will get more quality time with each parent individually. Get them excited about decorating a new room. Get their feedback on their new accomodations.

1. “Not much will change” – This is  lie. And if you tell children a lie, they are less likely to trust you in the future. “For a child, their world is forever changed.”

Say instead – Be honest that things will change, but that change is sometimes good. Yes they will miss certain traditions of family structures, but play up the realistic advantages they can expect. They will model your behavior and reactions in the face of change and learn resiliency.

Lemonade moment of the week
Valentines Day auction adds more neighbor kids.

Links: https://www.purewow.com/family/divorced-parents-phrases-stop-saying?utm_source=flipboard&utm_medium=referral

Listen to this Episode

Love does not conquer all.

• For those of you that think everything has been rosy. It has not.
• This has brought up some tension and memories of the hard times. Sacramento Airport.
• We were naive enough that we thought love would be able to handle all of the problems we faced. That helped but was not enough.
• Everything was hard.
  • Meshing kids. We had two 16-year-olds that were completely different from different kinds of friends. One very social and another not very social at all. You cannot force them to be friends; they don’t want to be. Now they are excellent friends.
  • Meshing rules. Is there a double standard for some of the kids? Or is everything the same?
  • Meshing discipline. Understanding boundaries with stepkids was rigid. Older kids and younger kids.
  • Expectations for a clean house.  Darren’s idea of cleaning is picked up. Not clean. Paige wanted things cleaned.

Logistics of a blended family

• Moving
  • Logistics. What to keep, what to throw out? Where do we fit everything? Two households crammed into one place.
  • Moving kids from schools, friends, and church. Etc.
  • Paige and the kids are trying to overcome feeling like guests in the house.
• Finances were hard
  • Food was hard, what to cook, what did kids like, what did they not like. How much to cook?
• Going to church in the same congregation as Darren’s Ex-Wife
  • Whose friends are whose? 
  • Who can I talk to? 
  • Who do I vent to, etc.?
• Going out to dinner was a challenge. Soda or water? Why was it contentious?
• Remember your kids in the changes
  • Kids have such little control over the situation, so they want some control over it. Mountain Dew (Jake), Jacob with his long hair.
  • The kids need to feel like they have some control and some say. 

Marriage counseling and other help got us through it.

• Marriage Counseling was a big win for us.
• The night we got engaged was our first counseling session.
• Consistently working with a counselor allowed us to establish communication patterns faster. Something we needed to navigate all of the stuff we brought with us. Kids, Exes, jobs, debt, etc.
• Empathy – Get in the trenches with each other. Instead of getting upset with what they are feeling, try to understand it. And why they are feeling that.
• Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best first.
• Don’t find fault with your spouse; you will find it.
• Communication, laughter, alone time, intimacy, not wanting to fail.

Lemonade Moment of the Week
Darren and Paige head to Las Vegas, to catch some shows and brave the strip with all the craziness.

At the beginning of a marriage, everything feels new and exciting. You've got romantic date nights planned for weeks, and what may become future annoyances are just endearing little quirks that make you love your spouse even more. But unfortunately, that honeymoon stage won't last forever. Eventually, things are going to simmer down, and you might even find yourself feeling, well, bored. You can start feeling that marriage is more like a routine than a relationship.

Fighting the Monotony

Luckily, that feeling doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. All it means is that you might need to devote more time and energy to making things exciting again. Let's talk about what might be adding to the monotony of your marriage:

You don’t surprise each other.

It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, but finding ways to surprise your spouse, whether a gift or a thoughtful act, can keep your marriage fresh. “What do you and your partner need to feel loved?” Make sure your surprises match their needs and personality.

Sharing too much or not enough.

You need to share more with your partner, OR you are joined at the hip! You need to bond with your partner and be vulnerable. Sharing can be the exchange of information, emotions, and experiences. Try discussing some of your fav shared experiences. It will remind you of great times and give you ideas. On the other hand, you need to be your person. Couples who spend too much time together can quickly start to feel bored. Find new hobbies of your own and have experiences away from your spouse sometimes. Then share about those.

Technology is consuming you.

Ok, people. Get off your phones!! This is for us as well. To avoid “phubbing,” institute some phone free time each day. Be present!!!

Your not putting energy into your relationship.

We initially go through our romantic stage, but a few years in, that can start to ebb a little. You need to reinvent and rekindle your relationship constantly. Be more deliberate about giving your marriage the care and attention it deserves, even after the butterflies die.

Your not setting goals for your relationship.

It's pivotal to establish new goals to strive for. If not, you’re bound to feel unenthused about the future. Supporting and encouraging each other – whether solo or as a couple – increases love. “Happiness comes from moving toward what you want, not necessarily getting it.”

We are too routine.

Having a humdrum daily routine can make any relationship feel boring. Try new restaurants, new hobbies, and new places to visit. Get out of your comfort zone.

Help available

There are a lot of other examples in the articles of why we are bored and how to alleviate the boredom. We will keep you posted on how we are doing.

Lemonade moment of the week

I enjoyed visiting family and grandkids. At my aunt's 80th birthday party, I saw many cousins we hadn’t seen in a while. Fun dancing! Not boring!!

Links this Week

• Boring Marriage Tips
• MARRIAGE MONOTONY: REDUCING RELATIONAL BOREDOM

This brings a lot of anxiety and worry. The article referenced for this podcast says anxiety is our organic coping mechanism for lack of control and information. But at a certain point, anxiety about something we will never be able to control is unhelpful and even harmful. So What Can We Do???

Techniques for Coping with Uncertainty:

Identify and tune out unproductive worrying

"Productive worries tend to lead to actions that give us more control of our environment, whereas unproductive worries make us feel even more anxious and uncertain (thus leading to a vicious cycle)," Aldao explains.

With this in mind, try to differentiate how much of your worrying is productive (ensuring enough food in the house) versus unproductive (staying up all night thinking about worst-case scenarios). If you can do nothing about it, it's not yours to worry over.

Something to note: Simply "tuning out" worrisome thoughts is not easy, especially for a very anxious person. That said, taking a step back and recognizing what is and isn't worth the worry can be a helpful first step.

Practice Mindfulness

Not our thing. It says to Feel the Chair under your butt, appreciate the texture of the food as you chew, and note the sensation from going hungry to satisfied… Okie Dokie.

Develop habits and routines for a sense of control. We need structure and management on a smaller scale. Hold yourself accountable with daily exercise, changing out of PJs, and trying new recipes. Set up an activity calendar for work and fun and stick to it as much as possible. It will help with your low moods.

Focus on Gratitude

Find that silver lining!! Perspective is so important!!

Seek out Humor

Watch a funny tv show or game night with friends; humor is here and now. Takes our minds off the future and uncertainty.

Don’t rely on temporary distractions

Don’t fill the void of uncertainty with escapist behaviors, drinking, eating, denial, etc.

Accept what you can't control

Easier said than done, but acceptance is a big step toward peace of mind. Also, obsessive consumption of information -grasping for certainty – can worsen things. "Acknowledging that we can't control and change everything is essential," Aldao says. "Wanting to know and control everything fuels uncertainty. Seeking out information is vital, and keeping up with the news is important—but constantly refreshing your news and social media feeds only adds to the anxiety."

How to help your spouse

Empathize with the situation and your spouse. Don't try to fix things; tell them everything will be OK, or it is not that bad. Let them have their moment. Don't let them wallow too long. Go out and do something together. Have a friend take them out to lunch or something.

It has been a while since we have done a podcast, but we are getting back into the swing of things for 2023. 

It was a busy year! 4 of our kids got engaged in 2022!!! So fortunate to have all these new in-laws join our family. 

Let's take a look at all the things that happened this year!!

January – Darren and Paige went to Palm Springs for a short getaway. Super fun!

February – Girls' trip with Ilene and Jill in Sedona and then a quick trip to Utah for Zoey’s birthday before Paige’s surgery! 

March – Quick trip to So Cal to see my mom, sister, Dallin and Alex while Darren had work meetings. 

April – Saw Journey and Toto! So fun!! Then off to Idaho for Andie and Jacobs's graduation, we were supposed to head to Brazil, but Darren got COVID. So instead, we stayed home; Paige got Covid too and went to Bodega Bay. Mid-April went to Utah for Julianne’s graduation. 

June – Portugal, baby!!! And another trip to Utah for Mitchell’s first birthday.

July – We had lots of summer visitors, which we love!!

August – Took the 3 amigos to San Francisco, Alcatraz and China town.

September – Paige had a girls' trip to St George with our daughters. Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. 

October – 2 weddings!! Anna and Matthew in Atlanta worried about the rain, but it was a beautiful day. Then McKayli and Jake were married here in California. Worried about rain again, but ended up perfect. 

November – Footloose baby!!!! So fun seeing Sam in the play. Loved all the performances!! Then Thanksgiving week in Europe with Andie and Jacob. Wonderful trip.

December – Trip to Utah to watch the grandkids and tortured Boyd when he asked permission to marry Julianne. Then Christmas fun! 

A busy but wonderful year, minus Paige’s surgery. Looking forward to 2023!! 2 weddings and a family trip!!

We are definitely stereotyping and generalizing, so deal with it. 

• Women tend to be more personal than men.
• Women typically have a deeper interest in people and feelings, in building relationships. 
• Men tend to be interested in logical deduction. 
• Men tend to be more challenge-and -conquer oriented, typically why they like sports.

Why would a woman be less interested in a boxing match? It’s because close, loving relationships are usually not developed in the ring! Also, watch what happens during many family vacations. He is challenged by the goal of driving 400 miles a day. On the other hand, she wants to stop now and then to have a snack, relax and relate. He thinks that’s a waste of time because it would interfere with his goal.

• Men tend to be less desirous in building intimate relationships.
• Women are usually the ones to buy marriage books or listen/read to self help books.
• Women tend to find their identity in close relationships.
• Men tend to gain their identity through careers/work.

Because of a woman’s emotional identity with people and places around her, she needs more time to adjust to change. She sees that changes may affect her relationships. A man can logically deduce the benefits of a change. He gets “psyched-up” for it in a matter of minutes. This is not so, with a woman. She focuses on immediate consequences, and needs time to overcome the initial adjustment before warming up to its advantages.

• Physically women need touch and romantic words. 
• Women are typically attracted by a mans personality.
• A man is typically visual, doesn't need words as much as women.
• When a women feels hurt by her husband, she does not want physical intimacy. 

Now that you know WHY men and women cannot understand their respective differences without great effort, I hope you will have more hope. I also hope you will have more patience as you endeavor to strengthen and deepen your relationship with your spouse.

Lemonade moment of the week 

Darren went to help Jacob and Andie with their new house. Paige got some alone time. 

Links

• http://marriagemissions.com/understanding-the-differences-between-men-and-women/

Consider how you manage your families technology:

Every family is different. Your schedules are different. Consider:

• What works well and what is currently working?
• Model the technology restrictions you expect from your kids.
• Screen time limits, will you limit by the day or by the week? Will they have things they have to do before they get on? 
•  Setting priorities for the day, instead of monitoring minutes, could be the secret to summer happiness, thanks to less time spent nagging, pulling your hair out, and feeling guilty.
• Each kid is different. Some of your teenagers may have a job, sports, or camps. Their downtime might be screen time. 

Seek Balance:

• As you consider a new strategy for managing summer screen time over the summer, it’s important to seek balance. An outright ban on technology in the home can be frustrating to every family member.
• Is it screen time or downtime?

Know the difference between active and passive screen time:

• Are they just playing a non-productive game or watching a mindless tv show or YouTube videos? Or are they learning something? Important to know the difference and recognize it with our kids. It's easy to see them on a screen and tell them to get off, but what are they really doing?
• Search out ways that they can learn on their screen. That's a win-win. 

Be ok with the occasional binge. 

• Sometimes our kids are busy from morning to night and others where they have total down time. That's ok for them to be able to chill for a day. 

Links

• https://techsavvymama.com/2017/05/managing-summer-screen-time.html

Lemonade moment of the week:

The boys are away at camp. Miss them but get to spend time with Madeline one on one.

Second Half of Portugal

• Sintra and Cascais- Wear great walking shoes. Dress in layers. Rain, no rain, rain, hot, rain. Lots of hills to climb on cobblestone streets and sidewalks.
• Lisbon on a Sunny Saturday. Incredible city. Very crowded. Everyone in Portugal was there when we were there. Must see the Monastery of Jeronimo, eat at Pastéis de Belém, Pastels de Nata (egg tarts), and walk along the Tagus River to the Tower of Belem. Walk the Rua Augusto near the Praca do Commercial. Too much to see in one day.
• Beach cities - Peniche, Nazare, and Praia Del Rey
• The hunt for a porcelain platter 
• Church on Sunday/ A family moved to Portugal from the states 5 years ago. Great to hear their story.
• Lisbon Temple on Saturday

Don'ts When You Travel

• Don't order the food they aren't known for and expect it to be good. Mexican food in Poland.
• Don't go to big cities on Saturdays with good weather.
• Don't try and park in downtown Lisbon.
• Don't rely on your mobile phone service. Don't stay in the passing lane on the freeway. Everyone in Europe moves right (Except in the UK) except to pass.
• .Don't get offended when someone honks at you.
• Don't be afraid to wear comfy shoes.
• Don't ignore your concierge. Don't be rude to anyone.
• Don't be too loud. Notice what other people are doing and pay attention. Poland is a peaceful country.
• Don't be afraid to make new friends and talk to people.
• Don't forget sunscreen
• Don't forget to put on sunscreen that is in your backpack
• Don't forget to take a backpack with you.
• Don't park where you are not supposed to. You will get a ticket.
• Don't get a speeding ticket. Many European countries send you a ticket in the mail months later.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

While Darren & Paige were in Portugal, one of the kids had an incident with the car. Everything was fine, and a friendly neighbor was there to help the situation.

Why Portugal?

• Resort in Praia Del-Rei
• Porto
• Coimbra

Travel tips 

• It might be cheaper to travel from a different airport. SFO was about half as much as flying out of SMF for use.
• It might be cheaper to rent a car one way than to pay for parking. Check it out before you rule it out.
• Stay in some place central where you can make day trips into the different cities. We have done this on multiple occasions.
• Plan out an itinerary but be flexible. We had a rough idea

Before you fly

• Get snacks for the flight
• Try and switch to a better seat. Unless you are my flight.
• Have a battery backup or charger for your devices
• Download shows to watch before getting to the airport. Bring a blanket or sweater. Airplane temperatures are hot and cold depending on who has control of the thermostat.
• Check out the travel documentation requirements. Including COVID. They are changing all the time.

Clothing

• Do your homework and pack accordingly. Light rain jackets are always good.
• Proper shoes or sandals. On Paige's first trip outside of the US, she brought plenty of proper shoes.

Eating

• Tipping customs
• Times restaurants are open or closed. In Portugal, everything is closed down from 3-7pm.
• What kind of food is local in the places you are visiting. If you are visiting different cities, they have different dishes.
• Bring snacks in your carry-on and in your suitcases. We have been in situations when nothing was open when we landed or got to the hotel.
• Find the local hangouts. Ask your uber driver and even someone at the front desk. It is cheaper than the typical tourist areas.
• Understand the local customs with food and restaurants. Just because bread is free in America, it is not accessible in most places. They may even put it on your table and not tell you how much it costs.
• Hydration. We are over hydrated in the US and in Europe. Most times, the water is as expensive as soda or beer. Craziness for us.
• Find out if you can drink the local water. Websites should have this information.

Driving and Transportation

• Look at the travel blogs and Reddit for tips on traveling in a foreign country.
• Rental cars can give you flexibility if you are exploring.
• Toll roads are big in almost every country in Europe. 
• Look at trains and subway systems for big-city transportation.
• Parking can take time and cost lots of money.
• UBER and Lyft are great alternatives.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

After exploring Porto with sore feet and tired bodies after a long day, Darren & Paige walk along the Douro River and find a wonderful evening of music and food.

Let's talk some sobering statistics. In the U.S. 50% of first time marriages, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Ouch! Those are not good numbers. Obviously you can beat the odds if you know what you are getting into and are committed. 

Of course our research dept found an article listing 5 wise considerations before blending families. Paige and Darren might not have headed all these, lol, or any of them. Let's see:

• 1. Unload your own baggage. Grieve the loss of your marriage. Give your children attention. Give yourself and your children time to heal. Get back on your feet emotionally, financially and into new routines. Try to gain some insights about your marriage that ended, about your needs and issues. Be ready to show up differently in the next relationship. 
• 2. Prepare yourself for the relationship you want to have and being the partner you want to be. Work on your communication, listening, and conflict resolution skills. Educate yourself about relationships; skills for success and common pitfalls.
• 3. Once you are dating someone, prepare your relationship by taking time to learn about each other and focus on your partnership. Have you had fights and resolved them? Met each other's families and friends? Have you learned about triggers and vulnerabilities? Are you in agreement on the BIG things? (money, religion, values, sex)
• 4. Prepare to blend by introducing the kids to your partner. Talk with your children about their feelings. How do they feel about this new person? They don't have to feel the same way you do about this new person, that's ok. Your children have another loss to deal with, the loss of their parents never getting back together.
• 5. Challenges Ahead! Relationships in blended families will not be equally close, some get along better than others. Do not force everyone to like each other. Let it develop naturally but provide the opportunities to let this happen (picnics, bowling, hiking, movies). Clarify roles of parent, step parent, co parent when it comes to discipline, payment of child expenses, time together. Counseling can be a huge help, don't resist it, give into it.

Not everyone has to do all these steps to have a successful relationship, but these are some really great tips. Blending is complicated and hard, but can also be rewarding and amazing. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

School is ending! Finals week, hard for the kids, but now it is summer!!!!

Links

• https://gabardi.com/2021/09/01/five-wise-considerations-before-blending-families/

ADVICE!!!!

Lets see what our friends and family had to say about what makes a lasting marriage?

• Focus on your partner's strengths and try to ignore their weaknesses.
• Treat your partner the way that you would like to be treated.
• She's almost always right, so just accept it and move on.
• Keep your promises.Don't take each other for granted. Remember you chose each other. Try to always remember the qualities you love about them.
• Be fully committed. 
• Try not to be selfish.
• Don't compare your marriage to other peoples.
• Look at your spouse through rose-colored glasses, not a magnifying glass. We all have flaws, but constantly magnifying your spouse's flaws will make you lose sight of their best attributes. (This doesn't mean you should ignore hurtful behaviors)
• Mandatory walk together each day. Takes just 11 minutes, but recap the day.
• Praying together at night.
• Being willing to forgive the little things, and sometimes big things, repeatedly. (as long as your health and safety are not at stake)
• Weekly date to connect.
• Do fun things together and find humor in everything you can. 
• Be a good listener and be interested.
• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
• Learn how to enjoy intimacy, it shouldn't be a chore, and you can learn to enjoy it together.
• Care about your spouse's happiness more than your own.
• Find what you have in common.
• Mutual respect.

This might be a fun list to go thru with your spouse and see if there are a few things you want to start doing or talk about. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Heidi fell in the pool. Poor baby. 

Links

https://www.brides.com/marriage-secrets-from-married-couples-5184605

Mother's Day is supposed to be an amazing day!!! Right?

So here is another Mother's Day in the books. How was it for all of you? Were your expectations met? Managed? Complete disappointment? This is already sometimes a difficult day for women for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because of unmet expectations. I'm sure some very nice person came up with Mother's Day thinking what a nice thing, to have a whole day to make moms feel special...they had no idea what they were creating. Women can build up this day as a kind of reward for the other 364. When this day arrives and it is not the blissful fantasy we have in our minds, it falls short and reality hits. Now add in the complication of a blended family and oh boy, tricky.

What can we do to help the day be a happy one?

• Plan a group event. Fun to be with many people, friends and family. Helps the focus be off of just you (if you want that). This is not for you is you want all the attention on you. Figure out what is best for your situation.
• Be specific with gift giving or risk getting a toaster. Some men are great at gift giving and plan creative things way in advance. Most are not. BE BOLD! Don't drop hints that he will not decipher. Be specific, very specific. Maybe have an Amazon list to share with family. If money is an issue, make sure to let it known that you want a card from everyone. Or you want a few hours to yourself, or watch a movie you pick. Let them know in advance you would like a nice breakfast made by not you. Get out there what you want. Not in a bratty way, in a nice, I'm helping you out kind of way.
• Remember the kids. This is for a blended family specifically. Remember that your children probably did not ask to have a mother and a stepmother in their lives, they have had to adjust to the decisions made around them. Don't make this harder by making them choose who they have to make feel the most special. Let them focus on their mom on this day, if she is in their lives. Pick another day to celebrate with them if that is what you want. 
• Curb expectations. If you are hoping that your children will make some grand gesture to prove that they love you more than anyone else in the world, you are being unrealistic and a little unreasonable. Set expectations low and reasonable and be pleasantly surprised if it exceeds them.
• Don't overthink it. Mother's Day is a special occasion, but it is not the end all be all. If things don't work out exactly as you had hoped, don't assume that it is an indication of how your family feels about you. Resist the urge to indulge in self-pity and remind yourself that everyone is trying their best, even if it doesn't live up the the day you've created in your mind. 

We all approach Mother's Day with hopes and expectations. Sit down and take 5 minutes and figure out what those (reasonably) are and then communicate to your spouse or/and kids, what you need. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Two of our boys get engaged. No lemons this week just lemonade.

Links

• https://www.mightymoms.club/mothers/mothers-day-disappointment/
• https://www.socialmoms.com/know/parenting-2/navigating-mothers-day-in-blended-families/
• French Toast Recipe - Bake in the oven for 12-15 minutes at 350.

It's not always rosy after a divorce. In fact it rarely is...

So you've made the decision to divorce. Sad. Now you have to co-parent with the person that you decided, for whatever reasons, to not be with anymore. Now parenting will be easy with your spouse/significant other gone, right? Oh, heck no. It is SOOOO much harder, especially in the beginning. Those little things you disliked about your spouse are now huge. And sometimes you just want to stick it to the other, just for kicks. But that is not what is best for the kiddos involved. Not at all. But how do we continue to parent when we disagree, don't get along, and just want the ex to go along with whatever I say because I am right! 

Here are tips on co-parenting with someone you don't agree with:

• Set boundaries with your kids. Sometimes we want to be the "fun" parent after a divorce. Kids need consistency. We don't want them to grow up entitled little brats because of our insecurities as a parent. We may be viewed as the "non-fun, serious house," but the kids need boundaries and will thank you later in life.
• Do not criticize your co-parent in front of the kids or to just anyone who will listen. This is confusing and hurtful to the kids. Also, do not let the kids speak disrespectfully about the other parent. They can vent respectfully. 
• Be a team. This will be hard, especially at first. The kids need to see a united front if possible. You will have significant decisions about the kids, and it will only hurt them if they know you are divided on certain things and will confuse them.
• Focus on your child's needs. You may think that this goes without saying, but sometimes you are focused on your anger at your ex, and you have a hard time focusing on your child. Adopt a business-like attitude; the business is the children. Talk only about the children. 
• Don't talk on the phone. This is especially true in the beginning or if you just constantly argue. Communicate thru texts or emails to give yourself a minute to think and act rationally. This will also let you respond to some things and not to others. Also will give you evidence should you need it one day for court; let's hope not.
• Don't expect too much. Manage your expectations. It could go either way after the split. They might step up and be a better parent or not. 
• Have a support system. Many days, you feel like it is just too much dealing with your ex. It can be very hard. Have that one friend or family member you can vent to and maybe get advice from. Don't vent to everyone!!! Pick a few people that you trust.
• Go to court if you must. If you have tried everything and it is not getting any better, you will go. This is the LAST resort. There is usually no winner in court. It can get ugly.
• Let the past go. Let it go, Let it go! To succeed in co-parenting, you need to let go of the anger and resentment and start anew. It is no longer about your ex's feelings; it is about the kids. Kids' best interest, repeat frequently.

You can do it!! It can be a roller coaster at times. Buckle up and try to enjoy the ride!!

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The last person in our house finally gets COVID. We got to spend some one-on-one time with David.

Links

 https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/9-tips-for-co-parenting-with-a-difficult-ex 

Happy, Sad, Happy

•  Darren and Paige had a lot of big plans for April! Graduation, Brazil, Graduation. Lots of wonderful things.
• Darren blew it! After over two years of not getting COVID, Darren went to DC for a work trip and came home with the VID. They found out after getting back from the first graduation trip, two days before they were supposed to leave for Brazil. Brazil was cancelled. Paige and Darren were home alone while all the kids were off doing fun stuff. Then Paige got COVID, and depressed.
• Luckily recovered enough to go to the next graduation. 

How well do you handle challenges and disappointments? How do we keep perspective?

Use these strategies to keep a level head when everything seems to go wrong:

1. Find a way to learn from the challenge....blah, blah blah. But its true. Life would be much easier if we never made the same mistake twice.
2. Be Accurate. Avoid letting your emotions get the best of you. Be objective.
3. Ask yourself what you can do about it. Then listen to the answers and focus on solutions.
4. Exercise. Eat, sleep and get some vigorous exercise.
5. Maintain a positive attitude. Focus on the positive aspects of your life.
6. Realize that the situation is temporary. Just hang on and get thru each day. 
7. Help someone else. There are people all over the world that would trade their best day for your worst day. Serve others, you'll be glad you did.
8. Ask for help. There are people all around you that love you.
9. Find the silver lining. There has to be one.
10. Visualize a positive outcome. In many respects you get what you expect.

Your perspective can make all the difference. A negative outlook can make finding a solution much less likely.

Lemonade moment of the week: Jacob, Andie and Julianne all graduated. So proud. Also, all ten kids were together for the first time in a very long time. Family pictures!!

Are you selfish??? 

• We are all selfish, right? Especially before marriage. We only have ourselves to think about. What do I want to eat? What do I want to spend my money on? What music or show do I watch?
• After marriage, those I's have to become we(s)...This might be harder for some than others. You have to now think of someone else and merge your lives with compromises and solutions that work for you.
• Obvious signs of selfish behavior: It's all about you! Think you are better than your spouse. Controlling. Don't give or share. Will not compromise. Blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong. Forgiving is difficult. Think that your spouse's feelings matter less than yours. Competing.
• Harmful effects of selfishness: Creates hurt feelings and resentment. Communication issues. Arguing. Prevents you from thinking the best about your spouse. Doesn't build trust. Marriage will become stagnant.

How to Overcome Selfishness in marriage

• 1. Be responsible and admit you are selfish.
• 2. Communicate with your spouse about your selfish behavior. Find a balance where you can compromise and decide who gets to pick what.
• 3. Change your mindset. Start thinking as WE, not I. Ask yourself, Is this what is best for both of us rather than just me?
• 4. Be patient. 
• 5. Don't blame your spouse for everything they do. You are a team. Work on bringing out the best in each other.
• 6. Serve your spouse. How can you help your spouse today? What can I do to make my spouse's life easier today? 

Remember you cant change anyone but yourself

• Work on you and keep the communication open about what YOU are learning.
• Improve yourself, and if you are happy, your spouse will follow.
• Thinking of your needs and standing up for your morals or values is not selfish; it's what makes you who you are.
• You also have to stand up for your actual needs, like time alone. You don't want to lose yourself in your marriage.
• Self-care is not selfish, but DO NOT TAKE IT TOO FAR!!!

Quiz:

Questions and Answers

• 1. How often do you tell your lover about what they should do?
  • A. All the time
  • B. Only sometimes
  • C. Very rarely
  • D. Never
• 2. Do you accept your mistake after fighting with your partner? 
  • A. Yes
  • B. No
  • C. Only when I am at fault
  • D. Sometimes when the fight is too big. 
• 3. Do you have the habit of dominating your partner? 
  • A. Yes, because I enjoy it.  
  • B. Only sometimes when I get jealous. 
  • C. I think dominating the partner is not at all a good thing. 
  • D. No, I never want to control my relationship. 
• 4. Are you happy being a selfish lover?
  • A. Yes, I love it. 
  • B. I'm not a selfish lover 
  • C. Not at all!
  • D. I like it sometimes
• 5. Do you have the habit of deciding the place to go on dates?
  • A. Yes, because I like doing it. 
  • B. I pick the dating place sometimes.
  • C. No, I don't have this habit. 
• 6. Suppose that you have a strong desire to have sex but your partner doesn't. What will you do? 
  • A. Compel my partner to have sex anyway
  • B. Try to seduce my partner
  • C. Drop the plan because having their consent is equally important
  • D. Wait for my partner to come in the mood. 
• 7. Do you like listening to your partner's opinion? 
  • A. Yes, of course!
  • B. Most of the times
  • C. No, I don't pay much attention to their opinion. 
  • D. I prefer ignoring their ideas because they are never good. 
• 8. Do you have the habit of putting your needs before your partner? 
  • A. Yes
  • B. Not at all!
  • C. Sometimes I do like that. 
  • D. I always put the needs of my partner first. 
• 9. Are you empathic towards your partner? 
  • A. Yes, of course!
  • B. Most of the times
  • C. No
  • D. I was empathic earlier but not now. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren & Paige get fleas at the two youngest boys swim meet.

Links

• Relationship quiz
• https://ourpeacefulfamily.com/selfishness-in-marriage-how-to-overcome-selfish-behavior-become-selfless-spouse/

K drama!!!!

• Darren and I just finished a K drama, Crash Landing on You
• Paige was very hesitant, don’t want to read my tv
• We had been told by so many people, of all ages and likes, to watch this show
• What is a k drama?
• Why it was good for our relationship? had to focus only on the show, talked alot about it after.
• Writing was great - good story, clean

Good clean Entertainment

• Refreshing to not have garbage to worry about in the show
• However, they do discuss some serious subjects, suicide. Seems like a normal topic there. 
• Chemistry between the two leads is great. They are actually a couple in real life!
• Interesting to see how they portray North Korea vs South Korea. A defector from North Korea that has a youtube channel, says that about 60 percent was accurate. 
• It was filmed in Switzerland but took place in North and South Korea.
• Supporting cast was so good. 

Show Hole

• What are we gonna do now???
• Have to find some more K dramas!!

Lemonade moment of the Week:

• Went and saw my mom and sister. Also, Dallin and Alex. L.A. traffic is the worst!!! But loved visiting family.

Links

• Crash Landing On You

So, how do we start the reconnection process:

• You can start by intentionally spending time together every single day doing something fun.  For example, doing the dishes, cooking, going for long walks, etc.

Lets talk about different ways and simple things you can do to reconnect with your spouse emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, physically and of course, sexually.

Emotionally 

• Cheer each other on.
• Observe and appreciate the good qualities of your spouse when it comes to them as a person, a spouse, and as a parent.
• Accomplish a bucket list goal together.
• Question: What are three of your happiest memories of our early days together?

 Intellectually

• Take a class together.
• Set Goals together.
•  Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common?

Spiritually

• Pray together or pray for your spouse.
• Share what you're learning about or something you have read.
• What is something that makes you feel fulfilled?

 Physically

•  Go for a walk together / gym.
•  Give each other a back rub.
• Hold hands.
• What did you notice about me first?

 Sexually/Intimately

•  Surprise each other.
• Schedule time together.
•  Are you satisfied with the physical aspects of our relationship?

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The kids are graduating from College and they have jobs!! :) 

Links

• https://ourpeacefulfamily.com/how-to-reconnect-with-your-spouse-husband-wife-emotionally-sexually-spiritually-intellectually-questions/

5 ways to try and find that balance:

• Always follow through - If you set a consequence for something  they have done, you have to follow thru, even if it is more painful for you!!
• Help them find a hobby -  kids are much happier when they have something they are interested in, besides video games, and passionate about. If they are having a hard time coming up with something, have their hobby be finding a hobby for a while.
• Let them choose their bedroom décor -   kids sometimes feel like they don't have enough control over their lives, especially in a divorced family. Let them give their input on the room theme and décor.
• Give them chores -  This can teach them responsibility, value of hard work and respect. Having said that, teenagers can be quite busy, don't overwhelm them with too much to do, be flexible with what their responsibilities are at different times in their life.
• Have fun with them and be generous with rewards - Make sure you are having fun with the kids. They need to see a lighthearted side of their parents. Be silly, be funny, be relaxed. And make sure you have rewards for their work. MAybe after you clean the garage, you go get ice cream. AFter they finish studying for a big test, go out to dinner.  

Links

• https://www.betweenthekids.com/2017/05/fun-and-strict-mom/
• https://themomkind.com/keeping-the-balance-between-fun-and-discipline/

Video: https://youtu.be/MIBHpAjpTYc

Blog: 

What’s Hard

• Logistics and coordination are complexes between two houses.
• Rules are different. How do you manage that?
• Food can be very different (Vegan, Paleo, etc..)
• No Settling
• Understanding the differences between the houses and parenting styles
• Losing things, Clothes, towels, school books
• Transitions - Forgetting things, going back and forth.
• Responsibility at a young age.
• Being in the middle of the parents.

Benefits

• Two Christmas mornings, Two thanksgivings, two birthdays, double the vacations
• Bonus Parent - Help you navigate your relationship with your bio parent, expand your possibilities
• Learn Responsibility

Tips & Tricks

• Make your step parent an ally
• Understand your parents are trying their best. They are not perfect.
• Set boundaries with your parents and step-parents
• Time is limited, so set expectations. This is true when you are adults coming back to visit.
• Setting a schedule and communicating it.
• Get comfortable with awkward
• Take time for transitions
• Buy toiletries, clothes, and things for both houses.
• Get two sets of textbooks from the school if possible.
• Don’t have a primary house. Create your own space in both houses, or don’t create your own space at all.
• Find someone to talk to about the situation.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Paige is out recovering from surgery. Darren gets insight from his kids on what it was like to grow up in two households. 

Links

• https://www.womansdivorce.com/living-in-two-homes.html

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” 

• Paige recently went on a girl’s trip. She has been doing it for 18 years. Darren wasn't always excited about it. Why? 
• Darren goes out to dinner with co-workers. Is Paige jealous?
• How can we be happy for our spouses when they have fun without you in a hobby or with friends?

Check out the video: https://youtu.be/uYIxYuuo0S4

Learn to trust and communicate with your partner.

Mostly insecurities keep us from completely trusting our spouse and being happy that they are so glad.

Communicate how you feel and why you are struggling with these insecure feelings. If they think you are spending too much time away from them, come to a compromise.

Make friends or get hobbies of your own, that makes you happy.

Don’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself that you aren’t with them. Find your hobbies or friends. If only one of you has friends they do things with, or one of you has hobbies that can be unbalanced. Figure out what you like. 

Stop being selfish and be there for your spouse; show interest.

If your partner is into car racing and you have no interest, give it a shot. Be interested in what they are interested in. It doesn't mean you have to lose yourself and be a puppet for your spouse; it means you take an interest in them and their hobbies. They can still do this without you, but if they know they can talk to you about what makes them happy, you will be become much closer and maybe even learn to love what they love.

Find fun things to do with your spouse.

After a trip or a fun activity without your spouse, find something fun to do with them. Seeking enjoyment in marriage is vital to building a solid relationship. Do not come home and say, “I just had a great time, why don’t we do something fun!.” That can set your spouse off. Instead, have an idea of a fun activity and suggest it.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

After years of practicing piano, cello, and singing, Jacob shows us his true talent.

Links

https://www.yourtango.com/2019326841/3-ways-to-stop-being-so-jealous-insecure

5 Successful Ways to Manage Expectations in Marriage

Communicate!
The number one reason for so many let-down expectations is the lack of communication. If you can grasp how to communicate with your partner, you’ll see an immediate increase in met expectations.

Needs vs. Wants
This is a great question to ask yourself before or when you feel your expectations aren’t being met. What do you need versus what do you want?   Draw a line for yourself in between these two. For example, if you and your partner are going on vacation, make a list of things you need to make you happy.

Let Go of Control and Don’t Control Others.
Expectations are under-met goals. Goals are objects of your ambition. Ambition is the strong desire to work hard to achieve something. All of these are you wanting to control a successful outcome, whether it’s controlling your environment or controlling your spouse. Don’t fall into the vicious cycle of under-met goals. When you learn how to let go of holding your domain and your spouse, you’ll gain peace with your outcomes.

Don’t Assume
Assuming is another dangerous reason why expectations are blown out of proportion and do not meet the standard you would like them to be. Assuming that your spouse understands your needs and even assuming you know your spouse’s needs will always end in unmet expectations.

Find things you are thankful for when you are struggling.
If you find yourself in a moment when your expectations aren’t being met, and circumstances are beyond your control, take a moment and list out what you’re thankful for. It can be hard to find what fills you with gratitude in moments like this, so start with the basics. Start spreading your thankfulness from those epicenters until you feel like your situation isn’t as bad as you thought it was.

Lemonade Moment of the Week
- Everyone around us has COVID, but we came through without a cough or a sneeze.

Links
https://tonightsbettertogether.com/2017/04/17/5-successful-ways-to-manage-expectations-in-your-marriage/
Video: 
https://youtu.be/yv4XpEVnuJk

Why we stopped
Pandemic, life was boring
Felt like we had nothing left to say about blended families, that we had addressed most topics that we could
Realized this podcast isn't just about blended families it's about finding the Lemonade
We missed doing the podcast, therapy for us
OK so, lets recap of what's been going on:
Pandemic still going on…….
Darren is halfway thru his PHD
Paige has health issues
2 teenage drivers with jobs
A new grandbaby

#WTL #2020 #WheresTheLemonade
Check out the video
Check out our blog

Evaluate the current communication situation between your spouse and their ex. If you are not happy with what is going on then you need to set some boundaries.

• The ex calls to emotionally attach to your spouse
• Calls to fix something at the house
• Runs out of gas.
• Comes into the house without permission

Setting Boundaries

• Play the long Game
  • People avoid setting boundaries because they don't want conflict.
  • Start sooner than later. Get your boundaries up now.
• Avoid Emotional Conversations
  • Table the issue until there are cool heads.
  • Think about your spouse's situation; they have to deal with their Ex and now you.
  • Also, Your spouse should not be having emotional conversations with their Ex. Keep it business.
• Explain Exactly What Bothers You and why
  • Be specific about why the communication bothers you and how it makes you feel.
  • Your spouse is not a mind reader.
  • Only a stepmom can understand the emotion and situation they are in.
• Communicate to understand
  • Try to understand why your spouse responds the way they do with their Ex. 
  • There is a specific reason they are doing it.
• Come to terms
  • Come to terms that the Ex is always going to be a part of your life.
  • You will always have to work at it.
  • Setting boundaries is not something you check off your to-do list.
• Understand that there may be guilt and Loyalty issues
  • Why is there some loyalty to the Ex? 
  • Why are they still falling under the I am going to make you guilty spell.
• Ask and give some empathy.
  • Please get in the trenches with your spouse and ask them to as well.
• Identify the issues
  • Establish the boundaries based on the problems.
  • Where do we need more boundaries?
  • What's working what is not?
• Plan what you'll do when these boundaries are crossed
  • Get clear on when the boundaries are crossed.
  • What are you going to do when the Ex dictates how to raise the children.
  • When this happens, this is what we are going to do.
• Be proactive
  • Send emails to establish boundaries.,
  • It is not what you say; it is how you say it.
  • Business communication. Facts only. Keep the emotion out of it.
• Always consider what's best for the kids
• Anticipate backlash
  • Stay consistent.
  • It will get worse before it gets better.
  • Don't back down

Lemonade Moment of the Week

After six weeks of the house being tore up to repair and redo the floors. They are finally done.

Additional Links

• https://www.jamiescrimgeour.com/the-poptart-diaries/how-to-get-your-partner-to-set-boundaries-with-the-ex

• Keeps you together
  • The biggest predictor of satisfaction and stability in a Marriage
  • Kindness makes each partner feel understood, cared for, and validated.
  • Couples that treat each other with kindness even when they argue stick together.
  • You can throw spears at your partner or explain why you are upset.
  • Paige comes home to a new carpet in the house and boxes of stuff to unpack
• Builds Trust
  • Kindness is the #1 trait that people look for in a partner.
  • Being kind can help your partner feel secure.
  • Watching your partner show kindness to people make you feel like you can trust.
  • You can trust that your partner will not hit below the belt when you are arguing. 
• Help get your needs met
  • When you are kind you take time to address your partner's needs.
  • Your relationship is deepened when you put your partner first 
  • That encourages your partner to be mindful of your needs.
  • Kindness breeds openness in communication and compassion.

The Seven Day Kindness Challenge

• Most magical solution for the author was just speaking kindly to each other. Better than any other books or articles.
• Started on date night. 
• Bring it back to basics. Listening, admiring and respecting each other.
• Be spontaneous. Do something outside of the ordinary - Watch the sunrise
• Afirm, Afirm , Afirm - Thank you for taking me to see the watch the sunrise
• Men need sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex. (Anonymous wise man)
• Make a concerted and conscious effort to make each other feel good.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Sam broke his clavicle skiing. Several of his friends called dropped things off and cared about him. It is good to be recognized.

Links

• https://www.smartparenting.com.ph/life/love-relationships/treat-partner-kindness-importance-a00286-20191224
• https://www.popsugar.com/love/Ways-Kind-Your-Relationship-43641054

What people do

• Blame Game
• Quiet treatment
• Push-pull
• You cannot make me
• Solo decision maker
• Withholding or punishing
• Trash talker

Ex won't communicate

• Document your communication
• Be Civil
• Do not post on Social media
• Don't involve other people
• Keep personal feeling aside
• Keep it short and sweet
• Use technology
• List both bio parents as contacts on forms
• Use a Mediator or someone your ex will listen to
• The last resort is court. Try and avoid

Overcoming 

• Always be kind
• Ignore what you can
• Keep communication open
• Be collaborative in decisions
• Look at your own behavior
• Make sure your children are protected from anger and fighting
• Seek mediation before going into attack mode.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Mass chaos in the house as we replace flooring. Boxes tripped over in the middle of the night. Everything in disarray. Lemonade our house looks new after replacing 30-year-old carpet. 

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Eating outside in our little downtown Folsom, CA reminds us that we have a great town and had fun people watching.

Links

* http://www.endlessblissblog.com

In this episode we revisit traditions. We start questioning some of the traditions we stuck with when we first blended after one of our kids mentioned how busy Christmas is and how it would be nice if it was a bit slower. 

Why Traditions are important:

• They give us a foundation to build our lives on
• They give us a sense of roots and belonging
• We asked the kids what they thought
  • The Younger kids had a different perspective than the older kids 
  • They can only remember the traditions that we currently have
  • They have some that are doubled up
• Older kids remember
  • Some of the traditions when we were still married to their parents. Some we have dropped
  • Some of the traditions that we continue to do give them a sense of belonging to this new family
• Building Traditions in Blended Families
  • Keep Traditions (Combining)
  • Choose one over another
  • Creating new ones

Keeping or SlashingTraditions:

• Keeping both traditions for the same event
• Sausage Fondue and Eggs Benedict - combined Christmas breakfast
• Sausage Fondue is from Paige’s first husbands family
• Giving the kids an ornament is from Paige’s first husbands family
• Acting out the Nativity
• Fondue on Christmas Eve
• Easter baskets 
• Carving Pumpkins. Only kids like, we wouldn't mind if it went away ;)
• Adjusting to the aging kids.
• Introducing new conditions

Evaluating and Creating New ones:

• We tried a new tradition of going to a tree farm to get a Christmas tree for a few years.
  • ended up at home depot to get a tree
  • we now have a fake tree.
• Ice cream for dinner (fail, everyone was sick). Dinner for dessert
• Monday night swim parties
• Swimming at Christmas
• Ikea Scavenger Hunt
• Valentine days auction
• Dancing before bed
• Reading Scriptures never really took hold until Dallin challenged us to read scriptures consistently, which is now 7 years and going
• Ice Skating at Christmas every year (No one totally enjoys this, everything hurts, and we are cold, but it is fun. ;)
• Cooking competition

Have you ever wondered why Valentine's Day is so stressful? We can tell you why. Expectations vs Reality. Listen to the latest "Where's the Lemonade?" to hear how Darren & Paige handle or don't handle this curious holiday so well.

And Yes that is Paige throwing away flowers that Darren got her for Valentine's Day. :)

Valentine's Day

• Most wanted gifts for women (Big loving gestures, some love it,  and some hate it)
  • Card
  • Flowers
  • Chocolate
  • Jewelry
• Most wanted for men 
  • Sex
  • Chocolate
• Does your valentines day feel like Saint Valentine's Day Massacre was 1929.

Expectations and Reality

• Inequality in the holiday
• More pressure on men than women for this holiday
  • Women expect men to do something romantic for Valentine's Day
  • So why (80% of cards are bought by women)?
  • Mostly for kids and grandkids
• Our first Valentine's Day disaster
  • Ballons on the ceiling, holes in the ceiling
• Our second Valentine's Day disaster
• Gas station card at the last hour. after a 10-hour drive in the car in the snow.
• Setting expectations: Paige tells Darren exactly what she expects for the holiday (but then apparently doesn't mean it)
• Communicate your needs as long as they are not ridiculous

Ideas for Valentine's Day

• For men to women 
  • Put some thought into your gift
  • Keep it simple. Do something different on that day. Something outside of the ordinary
  • Darren does not get Paige flowers on Valentine's Day. He does it throughout the year.
  • A card with a handwritten note might be just what she needs
• For women to men
  • I want to just get through this holiday without making her too disappointed
• We have changed the holiday to be a fun family dinner auction. In celebration of the feast of St Valentine.
  • Thanks, Survivor
  • It takes the pressure off of having something extremely romantic and instead is something fun with the kids
  • This doesn't mean we don't do something romantic around that time

Links

• https://www.proflowers.com/blog/the-history-of-valentines-day
• https://www.shropshirestar.com/entertainment/features/2020/02/08/valentines-day-2020-team-weekend-ponder-what-men-and-women-really-want/
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feast_of_Saint_Valentine

Disneyland Dad Syndrome is real and affects blended families every day. It is so prevalent that there is a legal definition for it. So how do you become a Disneyland Dad? How do you deal with a Disneyland Dad? Darren & Paige give their insight into this problem in Blended Families.

What is a Disneyland Dad

• Legal Definition
• Only having fun when you are with the kids
• No rules, responsibilities, or discipline
• Indulging in gifts.

Why you become a Disneyland Dad

• Intentional - deliberately overindulges the kids to undermine the other parent.
• Un-intentional - Trying to have fun with his kids with limited time that they have with the kids.
• "Visitation" - is a term that makes it seem like your kids are just visiting and therefore you want to use the very limited time doing fun things not school work or chores. etc...
• Frequency of seeing the kids play a big part.
• When we see the kids - Weekends and Evenings. Most families have fun on the weekends. Stay up late, excursions etc..
• How to avoid being a Disneyland Dad
• The parents do not have the same schedules or circumstances. School with homework, weekends only. etc..
• Be consistent
• Be involved
• Encourage responsibility
• Teach them
• Consistently discipline. - Mom's rules don't matter at Dad's house. Not good.

Dealing with a Disneyland Dad

• Connect with your kids - The quality time is more important
• Focus on your own relationship with your children. - You cannot control what the other parent does.
• Let it go!! - Don't get stuck in frustration and anger.
• This is not a competition. Children are not consumer whose love is bought by stuff or entertainment
• If you compete you lose. 
• Being Present. Tune in. 
• Don't say negative things about your co-parent.
• Have fun and play. Does not need to cost money.
• Have confidence in your parenting. don't compare yourself to the co-parent.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

The pinhole leak turned out to be a nail that slowly leaked.

We recently had facebook and google give us reminders of where we were 2 years ago today. What came up is the inception of our podcast. On a trip to Panama for a "getaway" of time "alone together", we dreamt up a crazy idea of podcasting our experiences of blending a large family. In today's episode, we went back and listened to our first episode, and wrote down what we thought.

Our Thoughts from our first podcast

• Dating was incredibly difficult. Remembering details about people is not my strength so I kept a spreadsheet. I actually dated two women that both had a daughter named Amanda. Not good to confuse the two. :)
• We knew so little back then when we first started. We had lots of topics to talk about and had to learn how to talk about tough subjects without harming the kids or the relationship with their parents.
• I hate COVID and I need to go on a trip with my wife to re-energize and re-connect again.
• We need to continue to learn more as we continue to experience new things as a couple together.
• This last year we had several new experiences with adult children moving in, moving out, and getting married.
• This time was a trying time for Darren as he was changing jobs and moving his career in a different direction.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

A broken toilet turns into a full bathroom remodel. Up side we have a new bathroom and new tools.

Blended families bring lots of new stressors into a relationship. Anxiety is high and sometimes your attempts to help your family to blend just increases the anxiety for everyone. In this episode, Darren & Paige talk about causes of anxiety and how to deal with anxiety in your family.

Finding the cause - It is right in your face.

• Establishing a new family structure
  • new parent styles
  • different methods of discipline
  • different expectations of how children should behave
• Steep learning curve
• Co-Parenting with your Ex. 
• Children become pawns in the broken relationship. Watch out for this.
• Someone else is in the picture when you are raising your new family.

How to lessen the anxiety

• It’s about testing what works and what doesn’t work while making sure that children feel safe and secure in the process.
• Sit down and establish ground rules before your blend the families. Hard to do because you have on rose-colored glasses.
•  Adults need to work hard to make everyone feel equal in the house.
• 6 ideas to lessen the anxiety
  • Figure out a co-parenting plan with your spouse early on.
  • When you start to feel overwhelmed, take it one hurdle at a time.
  • See your family -- including the exes -- as a team.
  • Invest in a chore chart
  • Remind yourself to celebrate even the smallest of victories.
  • Whatever you do, don't aim for perfection.

Time and acceptance of your new reality.

•  If you keep hoping for something outside of your control will change it will continue to increase the anxiety.
•  Known when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run.
•  Change your expectations. 
•  Get over the one-sided parenting. It is okay to be the one that does not put the kids in the middle.
•  Pick what is worth the anxiety. Let other things go.
•  Get rid of the feeling that you need to "Win".

Articles.

- http://www.essentialkids.com.au/development-advice/development/the-anxiety-of-the-blended-family-20130227-2f542

- https://www.huffpost.com/entry/6-ways-to-handle-stress-_n_5002607

- https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-ugly-truth-about-blended-families_b_589363b6e4b0b4d609210569

There are many studies on the adverse effects of divorce and the trials of blended families. In this episode, Darren & Paige are only looking at the "Lemonade" of blended families. That is right put on your "Rose Colored Glasses" and look at all of the benefits of a blended family. If you want all of the hard things that come with a blended family check out all of our other episodes. :) 

For the kids

• More Christmas presents
• Two birthdays,
• Two of the holidays
• More Grandparents
• Bonus parents.
• Kids can see a better model of a relationship. If you are moved past the old baggage.
• I broader world view. More aunts and uncles, grandparents and parents.
• Kids tend to become more flexible because of conflict resolution and multiple households.
• Kids typically score higher on emotional skills: forgiveness, generosity, and negotiation.
• More siblings. Sam would be an only child 100% of the time. Not just 50%.

For the Parents

• Sometimes we don't have the kids. Some alone time.
• Sometimes a step-parent can fill a gap in the bio-parents. My kids' step Dad is a captain for sailing. and an Architect.
• Sometimes kids bring different perspectives or talents to the family.
• If you can move past old baggage, you can be more realistic about your relationship.
• Financial stability over a single parent. More than one source of income.
• Kids might be more honest with step-parents, be prepared to listen and take the input.
• Learning to love not just by instinct. More kids to love.
• Different world view. Blended Families include in-laws and the families are already grown up.
• We make sure we have learned from our mistakes of our first marriage.
• Teaches patience.

How to make Lemonade

• Some of our kids did not start out liking the whole blended family.
• We have to approach things and find Lemonade.
• Make a conscious effort to be part of it.
• Try and find something positive out of something really bad.
• It takes effort and flexibility.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Darren getting older gave us an excuse to go out. But everything is locked down. Except the drive-in.

In this episode, we review what happened in 2020. What our plans were, how they adjusted, and how we grew closer together as a family. Learn about travel plans, weddings, eating habits, toilet paper and how we handled it.

What we thought 2020 would bring

• The year started off great with great plans for trips, weddings, and performances from the kids.
• Paige and the boys went to see The Cursed Child in San Francisco.
• Kids were in school and early morning seminary.
• It was David's first year to go to Youth dances and they started the year off with a house full of teenagers getting ready and going to the New Year's Eve dance. This was the first year that all three kids would be going to dances monthly. And give Paige and I some quiet time alone once a month.
• Trip to New York with our Daughter that just got home from her mission to New York. March 20. New York exploded with COVID and closed down. Broadway and an Opera at the Met were canceled.
• The year started out with great plans of an 8-week sabbatical and trips to Northern Europe in June. Canceled and sabbatical postponed
• March 13th, 2020 will be the day the pandemic really hit home for the US. Schools were canceled. All Darren's business trips were cancelled, Pandemic Websites became the most visited website in our house. Toilet paper was in shortage, We stocked up on rice, oatmeal, canned food. And buckled down for what we thought would be 3-4 months.
• Wedding of Andy and Jacob was being planned and re-planned

What 2020 actually brought

• Adult Children came home during the pandemic. School, work,
• More time with the kids
• More family time together. Darren not traveling, kids at home not at school.
• Summer spent in the pool, on walks, playing games, reading, watched family shows together. 
  • Marvel movie series, DC movies, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, X-Men.
• Kids took Paige and Darren's workspaces. Darren Moved to the bedroom. Paige's work moved to the family room.
• Hard to balance when work ends every day for Darren since his office is now in the bedroom.
• We were eating very healthy at the beginning of the year. Losing weight for Darren. Then food became a comfort. And not the good kind of food. Lots of Cakes and cookies. Thanks Madeline.
• Less time with friends.
• Weird Travel for Jacob's Wedding in Colorado. Masks everywhere.
• Lots of frustration and Zoom calls.
• Darren's Family started having weekly family zoom calls.
• No in-person Church. But we started meeting outside. Until it got too cold.
• Socializing changed dramatically. We would have a weekly BBQ and pool party all summer long. Not this year.

What 2021 might bring

• In-person school
• In-person Church
• Travel, Travel, Travel. (Family Reunion, Trips to Utah, Trip to Arkansas with David, maybe to Vienna for Christmas, Hallmark movie)
• Maybe a Sabbatical
• Parties and get-togethers with our friends.
• A teenage driver in the house. 
• Some quiet when the kids are in school. Back on our own schedules.
• A new Grandson. Thanks, Rachel and Russell.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Covid and kids at home led to overeating food not good for us. Up side we started a new diet that we are already feeling good about.

Youtube Video: https://youtu.be/CiPitufrJ1g

Blended families get judged. No doubt about it. The kids get judged, they come from a broken family, they are going to have issues in school, and in relationships in the future. And the adults do too. They didn't try hard enough in the previous marriage, they gave up too easily, or be careful around them. In this episode, Paige and Darren explore the judgment they have made and have been victims.

Judging Divorced People

• Common Judgements
  • They were selfish
  • They were bad communicators
  • They were lazy
  • They didn't put their kids first
  • They didn't have faith
• People of Divorce carry the big "D" or "F" for failure
• Divorce is a scary thing. Many people want to steer clear of it for fear of it becoming their own reality.
  • When Paige went through her divorce, so of her friends or their husbands were concerned about divorce being contagious.
  • Darren felt the same way before his divorce and steered clear of divorcing couples.
• Having a friend or relative going through divorce increases divorce by 17% according to pew research.

Being Judged

• How can a divorced person get through the stigma.
• We feel like we have to prove ourselves. People judge us before they know us.
• Divorced people just want to feel approved of and accepted by those we care about.
• What people think of you is none of your business. Anonymous in Artcle at the Huffington post
• When divorcing people start telling friends and family about their impending split, one great worry they have is, "What will people think?" Fear of criticism and the judgment of others abounds.

Judging Kids of Divorce and Blended Families

• Kids of Divorce are broken
  • Mental Health Problems
  • Behavior Problems
  • Poor Academic Performance
  • Risk-Taking Behaviors
• Instead of judging, have more patience, Give our kids the benefit of the doubt. Try to be understanding.
• Kids are navigating a lot. They are balancing two households. Maybe additional new parents or more adults
• Final Judgement and Immediate Judgement.
  • Final Judgement means you write someone off completely.
  • The immediate judgment gives the person the opportunity  be seen as who we really are.

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Stress filled weekend as Madeline prepares for her drivers test. She got it. 

Links

• https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201101/what-will-people-think-when-they-find-out-im-divorcing
• https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-things-i-used-to-judge-_b_6123356

In this episode, Darren & Paige try to figure out how to keep things even between the kids, the ex(s), and the different houses. This is not an easy task! In fact,  we find that it is impossible and probably a waste of time and effort. Time to swallow your pride and do what is best for the kids and not worry about keeping up with your ex.

Trying to be even with your Ex

• Do you get  a new car when you find out your ex gets a new car
  • Vacationing equity
  • Moving to a new house
  • New Car
  • Parties for the kids
  • Kids friend over
• Time helps with not feeling like keeping up. Most of the time
• Remind yourself that the kids are the important thing.
• Don't try to keep up with your Ex.
• We might not enjoy doing something you might want to do it when you hear the Ex is doing with the kids.
• Celebrate the kids having opportunities to do more things than they would with just you.

Kids wanting things even

• Recently our 15 years old said. I always miss out when you do things.
• Sometimes kids don't have the opportunity that their step-siblings have because things are different at different houses. Like Sailing
• Stop doing things just because we don't have all of the kids.
• Sometime when the kids do something with their mom, we want to do the same thing with Sam. Keeping things even.
  • Watching TV shows together. Do we wait to do it with all of the kids?
  • Movies, Do you change your plans because they already have plans with their Mom.
• Try to make things even between the two houses for the kids?
  • Pumpkin patch
  • Hikes
  • Birthday parties
• Double the chores at two houses. But Sam only has one house to do chores.
  • How do you make it even? 
• Life is not fair

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Halloween decorations are out and it only took us 1 day. We have finally figured it out.

In this episode, Darren & Paige discuss how to resolve conflict in marriage. Sometimes things work, and sometimes they don't. Not every resolution results in a WIN-WIN solution, sometimes it is just good enough to push the answer until later. Find out how we navigate this part of our marriage.

Finding Solutions to Differences of Opinion

• Express Views - These are not concerns, just views. What is your position
• Explore concerns - Why do you have the idea you do? And what is behind it?
• Select Mutually Satisfying Solutions 
  • Win-Win - 
  • Win-Lose - 
  • Lose-Lose - No one is satisfied
  • putting on the shelf for another time. Agree to set it aside.

Rules for Discussing Problems

• Decide on a time and place to talk
• Stay on topic - don't bring up other things.
• Seek to understand instead of arguing - What I hear you saying? Paige gets quiet.
• Let your spouse talk - Paige lets me talk.
• Speak softly - Ha Ha
• Take a break, if necessary - Paige typically calls for the break. While I clean the closest.
• Be kind - 
• Use appropriate language - no name-calling
• Discuss current issues - No past issues.
• Do not use violence - 
• Do not threaten divorce or separation - 
• Seek spiritual help
• Rest and try again
• Find measurable solutions - No general statements, must be observable
• Plan the implementation of the solution
• Agree on Reminders - Nagging or a reminder
• Reevaluate and revise -

Lemonade Moment of the Week

Paige gets to go to  Dollywood with her Mom. A life long dream for her Mom.

In this episode, Darren and Paige discuss how things in a marriage are not always equally balanced, but focusing on unity in a marriage can overcome the ups and downs of the equality equation. How do you balance the leadership roles with household management, discipline of kids, managing money, fostering romance, and providing for the family.

Fostering Equality

• "Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other. No marriage... is likely to reach its full potential until husbands and wives ... work together in unity of purpose, respecting and relying upon each other's strengths."
• One of the greatest stumbling blocks in marital Satisfaction is sharing leadership
  • Kids,
  • Money,
  • Sex,
  • Work inside and outside of the home
• 3 of the 10 top ten strengths of happy couples are related to Leadership sharing

Love and Respect Each other as Equal Partners

• Walk side by side with respect, appreciation and love.
• Each person in the relationship provides strengths and weaknesses to the relationship. 
• Strengths should be focused on to cover weaknesses. Together your strengths outshine you individual weaknesses
• Focusing on Weaknesses breakdown the relationship and exposes the relationship and individuals.
• Working as a Team like a basketball or a football team. Not one player can cover the complete field. Individuals have different roles and strengths together win. The key is respect and appreciation for the strengths each brings.

Making it real

Roles and Controlling

• Ultimately, the couple is responsible for everything together.
• Roles are taken by individuals to help achieve goals of the couple.
  • Paying bills,
  • Homework with kids,
  • Financially providing
  • Cleaning House,
  • Laundry,
  • Yard work,
• Roles shift depending on the circumstances and environment at the time.
• Hiding information is a way of controlling.

Shared Decision Making

• When do you need to make decisions together and when can you make a decision as an individual.
  • Money, is there a limit on how much  > $500?
  • Where to live,
  • The discipline of kids and stepkids
• When the decision effect the family the decision should be made together.

Acting and Celebrating as One

• Men and women are very different. They have different strengths. Individuals as well.
• The different strengths come together to make the marriage one a single entity that is stronger and happier than the individual.
• Very hard when you are blending families:
  • Different attitudes toward money, disciple, 
• Do you celebrate the success of each other's individual success?
• Do you celebrate together? ( Everyone gets a Superbowl ring.)

Lemonade moment of the week

Darren & Paige talk about the big decision on where to educate the kids. Due to COVID-19 and restrictions of being in person face to face. Tough decisions had to be made on what to do with the kids education. Once the decision was made making it all happen and as painless as possible is the next trip. Find out how we navigated the uncharted waters we are traveling. 

Where to educate our kids