IN A WORLD…where movie theaters closed their doors during a worldwide pandemic, three best friends decided to hop into their mental DeLoreans, go back in time to talk about movies & opening weekends from the last 40 years, and bask in the buttery glow of nostalgia.  

Three and half years later they arrive at their 100th and final trip back in time…twice! 

First, the boys head AAALLL the way back to where it all started: early summer of 1977, and William Friedkin’s Star Wars squashed thriller, SORCERER.  

And then, in a space/time continuum-shaking rift, they jump forward to 2015 and the last time all three of them were in a movie theatre together, screaming their heads off like John Boyega, watching STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS. 

And finally, the boys raise a glass to some MORE nostalgia with the Fourth Annual Golden Sheila Awards ©.  

PLUS a final visit from The Arthropod Squad and Gene Gene the Punning Machine: Mr. Shalit, himself.  

ALL the feels and ALL the farts on EPISODE 100 of OPENING WEEKEND!

For their penultimate outing, the boys head back to one of their favorite movie eras ever, Summer ‘84, for a supersized episode wherein they wax on, wax off with THE KARATE KID, hit the jungles of India seeking fortune and glory with INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM, beam down to the Genesis planet in STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK, and purify themselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka with PURPLE RAIN.  

AND the amazing Robin Curtis (Star Trek III: The Search For Spock) joins the boys to discuss all things Saavik and the intricacies of Vulcan Pon Farr!

Throw in some intense games of ‘80s Trivial Pursuit, some even more intense private lip sync concerts, and some VERY intense feelings towards Morris Day on Jason’s part, and you’ve got an episode worthy of Kali Ma. 

No time for love, Dr. Jones! It’s time for Episode 99 of Opening Weekend!

Yes, it’s been a loooong wait, but the boys are back to warm up your fall pumpkin lattes with…hot summer movies! 

This week the guys hop back to Summer 1987 to revisit Jack Nicholson and THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK, Paul Verhoeven’s satirical sci-fi gore-fest, ROBOCOP, Costner and crew as THE UNTOUCHABLES, and the man-meat testosterone-filled jungle that is PREDATOR. 

You pull a knife, Sean Connery, we pull Episode 98. THAT’S the Opening Weekend way!

Jason is getting sued for Smurf copyright-infringement; Olivia Newton John is helping Dan get Physical…with himself; and Fred is stealing magic balls and slicing up fetal pigs…ya know, your typical early tween summer in the 80s. Let’s bowl, let’s bowl, let’s rock and roll with EPISODE 97 of OPENING WEEKEND! 

It’s the spring of ‘98, and while Fred is playing on subway platforms to strangers, Dan is playing on stages to no one, and Jason is playing in bathrooms with EVERYONE. 
Beatty is rapping, Depp is ranting, and the audience for Godzilla ‘98 is retching. 

Roland Emmerich, you Swine! 
Get ready to go Gonzo for EPISODE 96 of OPENING WEEKEND!

And if you thought Gotham had a reckoning, wait until you FINALLY hear all about Fred’s failed colonoscopy in the greatest post-credits scene ever. 

HULK SMASH EPISODE 95 of OPENING WEEKEND!

In January ‘86, Robin Williams and Kurt Russell were reminiscing about THE BEST OF TIMES, Sally Field and James Garner were engaging in MURPHY’S ROMANCE, and our good pals Nick Nolte and Richard Dreyfuss were getting DOWN AND OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS. To quote the Punky QB known as McMahon, “We’re not here to start no trouble, we’re just here to do the Opening Weekend Episode 90 Shuffle!”

To ring in 2023 Jason, Dan, and Fred are heading back to December 2009 and the release of James Cameron’s epic screen-saver of a blockbuster, AVATAR! And then moving from “blue” material to “material” that blew, the boys throw on their tuxes and multi-colored bow-ties for the THIRD ANNUAL GOLDEN SHEILA AWARDS! Wake up, Jake Sully, it’s Episode 88 of OPENING WEEKEND!

That’s right folks; it’s time to go back and bone up on the last 20 episodes from 2022 and vote for your favorite moments!

Favorite Episode 

Favorite Childhood Story

Best Shalit Review

Best Celebrity Guest Phone Call

Favorite Arthropod Squad Member

And any other category you want to make up, because, let’s face it: waxing nostalgic about a podcast about waxing nostalgic is about as strange as a fictional super fan from Sacramento who’s DNA was spliced with a murder hornet having a baby with a possibly fictional Richard Dreyfuss who’s DNA was spliced with a salmon and a quail and having children who are now babysat by….oh, forget it…just send in your nominations!

Leave a comment, DM or email at:

info@openingweekendpodcast.com

This week the boys are going back to October 31, 1997 to give you a full 13 inches of hot podcast pleasure with Paul Thomas Anderson’s mega-cast porn-epic, BOOGIE NIGHTS, as well as counting down their favorite ensemble movies of all time. 

Jack Horner presents, Dirk Diggler and Amber Waves in: “Opening Weak-Ends, Episode 84!”

And this week the boys are closing on the big releases of October 2, 1992: the film adaptation of David Mamet’s GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS, Disney’s ice-hockey feel-goodie THE MIGHTY DUCKS, and the Dustin Hoffman/Geena Davis satire, HERO.  First prize is an El Dorado Cadillac. Second prize is Episode 83 of Opening Weekend!

September 1987: It’s a Land of Confusion for Jason, Dan, and Fred as they navigate both the ups and downs of High School and the trickle down economics of Ronald Reagan impersonations. In the movie theaters, Clive Barker is grossing out audiences with a hell-scape full of unimaginable sadistic terrors, and yet that’s nothing compared to what Dan faces as he walks down the halls of JFK (Jail For Kids) High as a Freshman. Pinhead SCORES! While Michael Douglas was getting in a Sammy-Hagar-head-of-hair-full of trouble for playing naughty, Jason was playing his own naughty games with some counterfeit hall-passes. And Fred learns that the only thing dumber than egging a High School Senior’s Camaro is watching “Hellraiser” while eating left-over eggplant. The Order of the Gash commands you to enjoy Episode 82 of…BLUUUUUURGGGGH!

September, 1976: the bells of liberty are ringing loudly as our young podcasters celebrate the Bicentennial with Captain Kangaroo, The Magic Garden, and McCarthyism.  Yes, the blacklist depicted in “The Front” was a terrifying time in American history, but apparently not as terrifying as Bob Keeshan’s ping pong balls falling from the sky into young Dan’s nightmares. 

Speaking of nightmares: Hey, check out little Scott Baio and that gang of screaming, violent children! 

And then after you leave the MAGA rally, check him out in “Bugsy Malone” too! 

(That joke was written by Woody Allen “fronting” for Fred). 

And please don’t get Jason started on Mister Rogers! 

All this and face full of splurge on Episode 81 of Opening Weekend!

It’s the Summer of ’87! Fred is hangin’ in Hollywood (Florida, that is) with Red (Buttons? Skelton? Foxx? No one knows.) at Century Village. Meanwhile, Jason is going to the high school dance with beautiful older women and Dan is hoping for more high-waist pants on naked older men. When we deep-dive into Dirty Dancing, will Johnny Castle lift us up by our hips, or will we fall headlong into Baby’s Hungry Eyes? And which movie soundtracks will make our Top 5 lists? Bonus content alert: We finally, at long last, put to rest the “Ghostbusters” vs “I Want A New Drug” debate. And by “put to rest”, we mean “have the most epic argument we’ve ever had on the podcast”. How will it turn out? Well, just like Swayze and Grey, we pass this chemistry test with flying colors. And we’re better kissers. Stay (Just a Little Bit Longer) for episode 80 of Opening Weekend!

It’s the summer of 1985 and the boys are hitting the road with Doc Brown and Marty McFly to revisit one of the most popular and beloved movies ever made: Back To The Future! Then they’ll pop over to 1989 and 1990 for…some other movies that happened!

“If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious s**t.” 

No, Doc Brown isn’t talking about his newest invention; he’s just warning Marty McFly not to walk into the bathroom at the Village Bath Club while Fred is hanging out there with his chocolate bars.  

And as Jason was dancing to Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” at the school dance, Dan was actually IN heaven as he watched the U.S. Express take on The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff.  Now make like a tree and get the hell over to Episode 79 of Opening Weekend - it’s your DENSITY! 

Come on, Julia Robert’s, say a little prayer for Episode 78 of OPENING WEEKEND!

June 1997: Julia Roberts is busting up weddings and Joel Schumacher is busting up movie franchises! As Fred is attempting to “suit the action to the word” while prepping to play Hamlet, George Clooney is attempting to “suit the Batman to the turd….of a superhero movie/toy commercial.” 

And while Jason was getting sloppy Shakespearean seconds, Dan was busy MMMBopping. Careful Dan, too much Hanson and you’ll go blind! Listen to Arnie and chiiilllll out…to Episode 78 of Dermopening McWeekend!

It’s June 4th, 1982 and the boys are taking on the suburban spooker, POLTERGEIST, the Shatner shout-fest, STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KAHN, and the Gene Wilder/Gilda Radner shit-show, HANKY PANKY. “Warp speed, Mr. Shalit, to Episode 77 of Opening Weekend!”

Handfarts, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the USS Matisa.  

Way back in June of ‘82, young Dan wasn’t the fully formed Trekkie we all know and love and occasionally make fun of. But soon enough he’d be getting ready to explore the universe…of Energy, that is, at the newly opened Epcot Center! While young Carol Anne was being chased down by vengeful spirits in “Poltergeist”, young Fred was being chased down by vengeful (and possibly anti-Semitic) 6th graders. And who was dealing with a worse case of mistaken identity? Gene Wilder mistaken for a murder suspect by Richard Widmark in “Hanky Panky” or Kenny Rogers mistaken for the lead singer of Survivor by 5th grade Jason O’Connell? 

Grab your carbon paper, turn up the volume on 2XL and get ready for the Kobayashi Maru that is Episode 77 of Opening Weekend! 

Debauchery. Lust. A bacchanalia for the body and the senses. No, you’re not flying with The Green Fairy at The Moulin Rouge of Paris in 1900, you’re just drunk off a bucket of sangria at Dan’s Quattro De Mayo backyard party of Astoria, Queens in 2001!  While Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman were serenading each other with passionate love songs, Fred was serenading tourists in Times Square with rage-filled doo-wop. Shrek may have lived in a swamp, but it was paradise compared to the dump that was Jason’s love life in May 2001.  Man, where are J-Lo and Jim Cavoizel-Glayvin to touch you in places you’ve never been touched when you need them?!? And if a podcaster poops in a forest and no one hears, does “Angel Eyes” start to makes any sense? All this and more on Episode 76 of Opening Weekend!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, there comes a third dimension of terror: Simon McCorkindale.  

Ah, the spring of 1983.  A truly wondrous time for Fred, Jason, Dan, and Kevin: so much anticipation, so much excitement, so little clothes on Carrie Fisher. 

De Wanna Wanga? Yes please!

As the visitors of SeaWorld were losing their heads, arms, and legs to a 3-D shark puppet, young Jason was losing his mind in the back of a comic-book shop to a stack of 2D Mad Magazines.  

And speaking of mad, you do NOT want to mess with Mrs. Shinick, lest you wanna get yourself grounded the night the new Star Wars movie opens! Momma don’t PLAY, Kevin!

While young Dan was being tortured by the images of floating 3-D fish heads, Fred was being tortured trying to avoid sneaking a peak at the “Return of the Jedi” comic book before seeing the movie…and by every single second of Superman III.

As the Ewoks sang, “Yub nub, ee chop yub nub!” Which translated means, “Pass me some more of that Colombian nose candy, Dennis Quaid!” 

Throw back some Johnny Walker Red, Supes, ‘cus it’s Episode 75 of Opening Weekend…in 3-D (3 Dummies)

“But, Michele, I thought we were avoiding carbs this week!”

It’s April 25th, 1997 and the boys are dipping their manicured toes into the hot lava of an opening weekend that brought us VOLCANO and ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. “If you’re lost, you can look, and you will find Episode 74 of Opening Weekend!”

The ground begins to shake; a baby cries out in fear; there’s a rumbling that shakes the walls and foundations. That’s no volcano, Anne Heche, it’s just Jason’s downstairs neighbor yelling at him to stop being so loud while recording his stupid podcast! 

It’s April 1997 and while Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow were trying not to look dumb in front of their old high school classmates, Fred was trying not to look dumb in front of his “Caddyshack”-star castmate. 

What was more painful to witness? John Carroll Lynch’s feet dissolving in a lake of lava or Jason painfully trying to end a relationship with a girl 5 times above his pay-grade? 

Romy and Michele had the moves on the dance floor, but that was nothing compared to the moves a British con-artists played on Dan during his trip to the UK. 

Ewww, put on some clothes Ian Holm! It’s Episode 74 of Opening Weekend!

As Will says, “KEEP EPISODE 73 OUT YA F***IN’ MOUTH!”

April 11, 1986: The bullies and bad guys of Tromaville, NJ are having their heads bashed apart and their intestines ripped out by The Toxic Avenger, who just wants to be loved. Meanwhile, on Manhasset, Long Island, 13 year old Fred is having his romantic life bashed apart and his heart ripped out by his girlfriend, who just wanted to make out during “Young Sherlock Holmes.”

Yes, Joe Mantegna and Judge Reinhold are smooth dancers in “Off Beat”, but they don’t hold a candle to 9th grade Jason getting to 2nd base while partner-dancing AND while dressed like a sailor. 

And who screamed louder in the spring of ‘86? Dee Wallace Stone as she’s being attacked by furry killer space creatures while lamenting the fact that she was in ET four years earlier or Dan as he’s watching the Mets music video VHS on a loop? LET’S GO CRITTERS GO! (SLAP) “Keep The Mets out ya f***in’ mouth!!!”

All this and an extra foamy grande Tarchino on Episode 73 of Opening Weekend!

Me Tarzan, you Gene. 

March 30, 1984: A time of adventure and exploration.  

A time when Cabbage Patch Kids and RPG nerds and middle school Mathletes ruled the jungle known as the Tri-State area. 

Just as Ian Holm’s Belgian-French-Hobbit-explorer is teaching Christopher Lambert’s Tarzan-Not-Tarzan the ways of British civility and decorum, Fred’s 6th grade babysitter is teaching him the ways of British black-comedy (The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy) and depravity (A Clockwork Orange). Terrycloth robes may or may not be involved.

While Michael Douglas does his best to wear the mantle of Indiana Jones and sweet-talk his way into Kathleen Turner’s heart and bed, he’s no match for the 7th grade Cassanova of Calculus, the Man-Beast of the Mathletes: Jason “Abacus Finch” O’Connell.  (Cue Glenn Close ADR’ing a young female Mathlete  moaning and groaning) 

And Dan’s call-back to his sister’s Cabbage Patch Kid sends Fred into a deep spiral of repressed memories, dark secrets, and possible Furby-Fetishim.  Jeffrey Parker, Jr ain’t afraid of no ghosts! 

And two old friends call in to Romance the boy’s Stones and possibly pitch some new business ideas.  Bon Ape-Tit!

“I believe the children are our future, teach them well, and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.” 

And who better to teach them and show them that beauty than three middle-aged film-nerds working through their own individual mid-life crises by doing a podcast about wanting to be children again?!

That’s right, this week Jason, Dan, and Fred take on the assignment of creating a by-request, Very Special Episode for a Long Island High School teacher and his students: complete with F-bombs in the first 60 seconds, sound clips from a disgraced comedian/sex-offender, and tales of lost virginity and soiled over-coats in the backseat of a station-wagon. (Oh, relax, they’re 2022 High School seniors, they’ve seen/heard/done MUCH worse). 

Oh, and and they ALSO talk about movies! And podcasts! And how to make podcasts about movies! And there are fart sounds, too, children!

Joe jumps into a volcano, Kid raps with Play, Jason goes to college, Fred becomes a man, and Dan writes a review about…the new Rosie O’Donnell movie?

It’s a very Zarzicki episode of Opening Weekend!

February 17th, 1989: An opening weekend bursting with so much misguided mediocrity, not even one of James Woods’ scrunchies can contain it.  

While Mr. Woods is chewing up the scenery, Dan, Jason, and Fred are chewing on everything Burger King had to offer. If only Bill and Ted could travel back in time and say, “Dan! Dude! Put down the Chicken Royale! Try this excellent salad!”

Or maybe, “Fred, dude! No need to join a band with a 30-something psychopath you met through a personal ad! Wyld Stallyns needs a drummer!” 

Or “Jason, dude! What’s with the bad review of our movie in your high school paper? Not coo…Oh, wait…actually….you’re right. NOT EXCELLENT!!!” (Cue air-guitar) 

What’s creepier? Tom Hanks’ new neighbors, the Clopecks or James Woods’ head’s new neighbor, the ponytail? 

And did we mention James Woods has a ponytail? And then James Woods’ ponytail comes to James Woods’ ponytail while Dan, Jason, and Fred all James Woods’ ponytail because James Woods’ ponytail! And holy sh*t, James Woods’ ponytail!

All this and more James Woods’ ponytail on Episode 70 of Opening James Woods’ Ponytail Weekend!

Ba-ba-bum, ba-bwaaa! (Mothership or Hand-Fart? Only tiiime will tell!)

February 3, 1978: Wunderkind Steven Spielberg is at it again, and audiences are having their minds blown watching Richard Dreyfuss have a Close Encounter of the Third Kind with tiny aliens.

Meanwhile young Jason, Dan, and Fred are having their minds blown watching The Fonz have a Close Encounter of the Nerd Kind with Mork from Ork…and The Hulk…and maybe Scrappy Doo…?

As Richard Dreyfuss stares dreamily at the sky wondering, “What is happening up there?”, 5 year old Fred stares dreamily at Dorothy Hamill wondering, “What is happening down THERE?!?!?” 

What’s more fun than a pile of mashed potatoes? How about a stack of Dan’s pre-school’s Deadly Building Blocks Of Death? Or maybe Jason’s “Francois Truffaut” action figure with Curwen Hand Sign Grip! 

(too esoteric?)

And for the first time in podcast history:

“Schindler’s List” and “Baby’s Day Out” together at last!

January 18, 2008: It’s a strange, confusing time for folks this week.  Fred is trying to wrap his head around becoming a father, Jason and Dan are trying to wrap their heads around living apart from one another, and every screenwriter in Hollywood is trying to wrap their heads around making MAD MONEY make sense. And as CLOVERFIELD’s updated version of Godzilla takes out  most of Manhattan, 27 DRESSES’ Bridezillas take out the entire Rom Com genre. B-B-B-Benny and the JesusPleaseMakeItStop.  Dan’s serving up a fresh pot o’joe and hash browns on Episode 68!

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.

“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times.  But that is not for them to decide.

All we have to decide is which song shall win the Golden Sheila for Best Hand-Fart.”

It’s December 2001 and The Fellowship of the Ring are being terrorized by Saruman and pursued by ravenous orcs.

Meanwhile, in December 2021, that same Fellowship are being terrorized by Omicron and reviewed by ravenous dorks!

While Sam and Frodo were forming a Fellowship in Middle Earth, Dan and Jason were forming their own Fellowship in Middle Village (Well, Astoria, but close enough). Jason wanted to invite Merry and Pippin but Dan said “Over my dead man-flesh!”

Meanwhile, Fred was off in Cleveland playing the great Elvish composer, “Isengard Balrog.” (Who ended up changing his name to "Irving Berlin", because it sounded less Jewish) 
If you thought Gandalf perishing in the Mines of Moria was depressing, wait until ya hear the one about Fred’s dead grandma! 
GIMLI some more of that, ‘miright?!?!

And moving from self-indulgent melodrama to self-indulgent mega-nostalgia, the boys take some time to pat themselves on the back for a year well done and hand out the 2nd Annual Golden Sheila Awards!

You’ll be GaLADriel you tuned into Episode 67!

Lightning strikes, thunder crashes. The creature slowly opens his eyes and rises. Stumbling and grasping his way across the room, he moans and groans for his Master who stares at the creature in wonder and awe. At which point, little baby Dan bumps into a corner, falls on his tush and cries in a pile of his own poo. 

IT’S ALIIIIIVE!!!  

December 12, 1974 - An opening weekend of brave, bravura performances: Gene Wilder and Cloris Leachman bristling with comedic genius; Paul Newman, Steve MacQueen, and Al Pacino, smoldering with burning intensity; OJ Simpson not killing anyone. 

While Michael Corleone was trying to wipe out his enemies and keep power all in the “family,” baby Jason was playing with babysitters who looked like they came straight from the set of All In The Family. 

“Meathead, bring my bah-bah OVUH!” 

Which burns hotter: Robert Wagner with a flaming towel wrapped around his head, or Fred because he doesn’t have any stories to tell about the VBC, Suds, or The Eagles Nest?

All this and more on Episode 66 of Opening Weekend!

BLUCHER!

November, 1988: the boys are working off their Thanksgiving dinners and working on their Christmas and Hanukkah lists: “Gremlins” VHS tape for Jason - CHECK. Knock-off Cavarrici pants and gold chain for Dan - CHECK. Penis-shaped pencils from Spencer Gifts and a Wells Fargo Wagon full of Seattle-brewed Semen for Fred - CHECK and CHECK! And don’t worry, Dan, Santa’s leaving plenty of sweet street-level crack in your stocking this year! (Listen…it’ll all make sense. Sort of)

Bill Murray may have been the biggest Scrooge of 1988, but he’s Tiny Tim compared to Dan being forced to endure Mariah Carey singing holiday classics. And speaking of holiday classics: The boys list off their Top Ten Holiday Movie list - Fred reads his list, confusion ensues. “All I Want For Christmas Is…Jew?” 

Quick, turn off that episode of “Kate & Allie”, it’s time for Episode 65 of Opening Weekend!

The scene: A young, dark haired handsome man finds a magic lamp in the desert and is granted three wishes by the all-powerful Genie: 

"I want to be to be rich, I want to be famous, I want to have a spotless British accent!” 

Well, Keanu, two out of three ain’t bad, right?  

November 13, 1992 was an opening weekend filled with bravura performances: Robin Williams’ “Genie”, Gary Oldman’s “Count Dracula”, and Fred and Dan’s “Leather Guy and Construction Worker from The Village People.”   

As young Prince Ali was hustling his way through the streets of Agrabah, young Jason was GETTING hustled on the streets of Little Italy. “You ain’t never met a friend like me!” said the Three Card Monte dealer…

Which is more entertaining: Gary Oldman running around Transylvania wearing silly wigs and getting  drunk on blood  or Jason, Dan, and Fred running around Hempstead, Long Island wearing silly hats PRETENDING to be drunk in student-produced Chekhov comedies? 

Answer: Neither, because WHAT ARE YOU DOING Anthony Hopkins?!? 

And the boys get a very special announcement via a genetically altered Stork in the mail-sack!

DRACOOOOOOOL!  

Halloween, 1984: It’s inevitable. He’s coming. He can’t be stopped.  And not even the mighty Sarah Connor or steely eyed Dr. Loomis can protect you from the terror that is…Dan Matisa in a homemade Q-Bert costume!

Oh, %@*&#$!!! 

What was more confusing for young Jason?  The time-travel twists and turns of “The Terminator” or the hormonal twists and turns of “The Sperminator,” aka 8th Grade…? 

Greatest 80’s action movie catch-phrase: Arnold’s “I’ll be back” or Joe Dolce’s “You Toucha My Car, I Breaka Yo Face?”

And between trying to get through watching horror movies without pissing himself in front of his friends, being chased by holographic images of David Byrne while roller skating in a never-ending circle of futility at Laces Roller Rink, and possibly dabbling in cross-dressing and a dose of Marx Brothers fetishism, Fred’s therapist is buying EVERYONE tokens to play “Tron” and “Russian Attack” at the arcade!  In the words of the great Sarah Connor, “Shaddap yo face, ‘cus you’re terminated F*$#er!”

“What did the horny Scotsman say to the Italian lawyer?” No, this isn’t a set-up for the movies discussed this episode; it’s the setup for one of the many ethnic jokes Jason was killing with back in 3rd grade. 

In October of 1979, while Al Pacino was screaming for justice in the courtroom, Jason was getting canceled in the classroom.  

Yes, a giant meteor heading towards Sean Connery’s underground salad bar/love nest is terrifying, but it’s nothing compared to staring into the cold, evil eyes of Dan’s 1st grade teacher. ALL HAIL POZAR.

And before he became a styrofoam-stuffed hairy-Nazi getting tossed out of a tree in Fred’s backyard, he was…BIGFOOT! Yes, learn the origin story of one of Fred’s most beloved and most misunderstood (“I’m NOT f****** Chewbacca!) Halloween costumes.  All this and a little Hindi on Episode 62 of Opening Weekend! JEFFREYTAMBORJEFFREYTAMBOR!

It’s the early fall of 1999 and the boys are watching three cinematic game changers: Sam Mendes’ “American Beauty” and its take on repressed, suburban malaise; David O. Russell’s “Three Kings”, with its fever-dream, anti-war prescience; and the biggest game changer of them all, Jay Roach’s “Mystery, Alaska”…because it makes Dan want to literally change the game…from hockey to anything else. 

What’s creepier? The way Kevin Spacey ogles Mena Suvari in her cheerleading outfit or the way Jason and Fred ogle George Clooney in his Desert Camo? And asDan enthusiastically repeats stories he told 8 episodes ago about bad jobs, living in Astoria, bad jobs, and living in Astoria (also about bad jobs and living in Astoria), Jason and Fred reminisce about the amazing artistry they witnessed that season: Jason, with the paintings of Norman Rockwell and Drew Sturzan. Fred with the acting prowess of Ed Koch and Drew Barrymore’s Mom. 

Put down the camera, Wes Bentley, you’re freaking that dead bird out…and tune into Episode 61 of Opening Weekend!

“I’m gonna go listen to the podcast, listen to the podcast.”  You do you, Jimmy Two Times. In the meantime, Dan’s gotta go change the film reel at Cinema Shitty-Sex. 

It’s September of 1990 and the boys are becoming “made” men. 

Fred is being “made” to understand the futility of an acting degree by a college theatre professor. Jason is being “made” to explain his reasons for wanting to play elderly pedophiles in classic works of theatre. And Dan is still cleaning up from the guy who “made” all over the bathroom wall of the movie theatre he works in.

And once they finish gushing like the blood pouring out of poor Stack’s head over “Goodfellas”, the boys dive into their personal top ten Gangster/Crime movies of all time.  

Now go get ya f***in’ shine box! 

“I wish I could quit you.” “You complete me.” “I’ll have what she’s having.” 

No, the boys aren’t discussing any movies this week REMOTELY related to romance. These are just a few of the things Jason screamed to the rafters in the fall of 2006 as he desperately tried to keep Dan from moving out of their Astoria apartment.  To which Dan replied, ““AH, MY LEGS! NOT THE BEES!!! YOU BITCHES!!!!” Or was that Nic Cage? It’s hard to tell, since they were both wearing bear costumes at the time. 

Also in September 2006: While Jason Statham was desperately trying to keep his heart beating performing scenes of chaos throughout Los Angeles, Jason and Dan were desperately trying to keep audiences’ hearts beating performing scenes of Chekhov in the basement of a bar in the East Village. 

And while Fred was spending the last days of summer soaking up the Tuscan sun, the cast of “Idiocracy” was showing us how we’re all going to be soaking up Gatorade and fast-food during the last days of humanity.  And speaking of Gatorade: Fred shows his commitment to non-stop podcasting magic this week….while completely stopping pod-cast magic cold with his own brand of idiocracy. Now leave me alone, I’m ‘batin’….to Episode 59 of Opening Weekend!

Ahh, the mid-1980s. What would Ronald Reagan’s (or Eddie Albert’s, for that matter) America have been without the efforts of Hulk Hogan to capture the WWF Championship, the Ghostbusters to capture Slimer, or Fred Berman to capture anything the Playboy Channel had on in the middle of the night (without his Dad knowing)?

While Jason has wholesome family time at the beach with Grandpa, and Dan watches hour after hour of sweaty men doing the Camel Clutch, sick perversions abound, both on Fred’s TV screen, and on America’s movie screens. Gene Wilder and Joe Bologna strive to get their bologna into any women they’re not married to; Dennis Quaid dreams of a giant snake-man and strives to get his giant snake, man, into Kate Capshaw; and Tanya Roberts swings from long jungle vines as Ted Wass strives to get his long jungle vine out from under his sarong. Or is that merely his sarong-knot? Or is it all just Fred’s 80s-Playboy-channel-addled imagination? A surprise call from some beloved “Pod Squad” members may provide some clarification. Or not.  Yeah, probably not. 

Where’s the Beef? Why, it’s in Ted Wass’ pants, of course! Gag me with a spoon, it’s the totally tubular Episode 58 of Opening Weekend!

It Came From The Outer Boroughs!!! While Brad Bird was exploring Atomic Age fears and Red Scare paranoia in 1950’s America, Dan, Fred, and Jason were exploring how to eat one’s own testicles with chopsticks in 1999’s Astoria, Queens. (Don’t ask, just listen) Who was the bigger Dick in August ’99: Dan Hedaya as “Tricky Dick Nixon,” keeping Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst waiting for his affection in the Oval Office, or Fred as “Stan The AutoTech Man,” keeping an entire commercial film crew waiting while he played with Austin Pendelton’s blue blankie? (Don’t ask, just LISTEN) While Jason spent the summer of ’99 obsessively re-watching “The Phantom Menace“ in the vain hope that it might NOT suck, he’s now spending the summer of ’21 obsessively listening to the Pierce Brosnan rendition of “S.O.S” with the absolute knowledge that it DOES suck. And wait until you hear about Dan’s fear of fish. Holy MACKEREL, ‘miright? Get ready for a WaterGREAT time with Episode 57 of Opening Weekend! 

It’s July 18, 2008 and the boys are zipping up their sequin jumpsuits, donning their masks and taking a chance on THE DARK KNIGHT, MAMMA MIA!, and SPACE CHIMPS. Episode 56 of Opening Weekend is the podcast Gotham deserves!

“Mamma Mia, here I go again. Batman, how can I resist you? Mamma Mia, Space Chimps blow again. Why, why? Joker, can I kiss you?” 

In July of 2008, while Christian Bale’s Dark Knight was learning how to deal with an agent of chaos smeared in white face-paint, new daddy, Fred, was learning how to deal with an agent of chaos smeared in white butt-cream.  And just as Jason and Dan were putting down their artistic roots in the most unlikely of places, the entire cast of “Mamma Mia!” were letting out their artistic “toots” in all of our faces.  And by “toots” we mean “farts.”  And by “farts” we mean “Pierce Brosnan’s singing voice.” SOS indeed. And no, that’s not the state-of-the-art 1985 animation stylings of a Dire Straits video, it’s the 1983 state-of-the art animation stylings of “Space Chimps!” All this and so much more on Episode 56 of Opening Weekend! Oh, see that girl, watch that scene, get me some more butt-creeeeeam! 

Boom! There goes The White House! 

Zap! There goes The Empire State Building! 

Snore! There goes everyone watching “Phenomenon.”

In early July, 1996, while aliens were descending onto the battlefields of a scorched Earth, baboons were descending onto the hood of Dan’s scorched Firebird in the battlefields of Jersey. And if you thought THAT sounds like a Great Adventure, wait until you watch Kyra Sedgwick shave John Travolta after he…zzzzzzzzz…. 

And speaking of shaving, just as the country was about to celebrate its independence from tyranny, Fred was trying, in vain, to celebrate his independence from facial hair.  Which is a story almost as sleep-inducing as Kyra Sedgwick shaving John Tr…..zzzzzzzzz….

And, next, on a Very Special Episode of Opening Weekend: In a cafeteria in East Texas,  Miss Ruby teaches Jason about tearing down barriers…and building up: LOVE (cue: “If I Could Change The World). 

All this and more on Episode 55 of Openizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…….

LOGGIA ALERT!

Remember back in June of 1990 when you took some of that orange goo from the popcorn machine at Movie City where Dan worked and smoked it after Fred’s Senior Frolic and then had visions of a mute Jason acting out Aristophanes while surrounded by hundreds of little green monsters dressed like hookers and gargoyles and pure electricity and giant spiders and Tony Randall and Edward G Robinson and Hulk Hogan and Leonard Maltin and you were like, “Woah, this is the craziest acid trip of my life” and then you woke up and then realized that you had just left “Gremlins 2: The New Batch” playing on a loop on your VCR and you were like, “Oh, thank God, but wait…AM I actually awake? Was I really just watching Gremlins 2? And if I was, and this is my reality, then who am I REALLY and what does it all mean and why is Al Pacino yelling at me and who is that old man in that bright yellow hat making out with Madonna and why is Fred giving out cars while Jason and Dan battle each other with twin babies and googley-eyed gremlins in a ThunderDome-like arena built by John Glover and Charles Durning and….” WAKE UP!!!! WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!!!

Oh, snap….it’s just Episode 54 of Opening Weekend.  

Man, I gotta lay off that orange Shalit.

Shhh. Do you hear that? That low, deep rumbling sound? Is it a T-Rex approaching? Tina Turner getting ready to let loose a soulful wail? Or just Dan warming up his hands for a rendition of “Private Dancer”? 

Or maybe…(pan camera, zoom in slowly onto Richard Attenborough, and in sotto voce): ”…it’s all three?”

In June of 1993, while Steven Spielberg was breaking box office records, Dan was breaking into box office registers. 

Or WAS he? 

While Angela Bassett was the embodiment of a singing legend who shared a tumultuous life with an abusive husband, Jason was the embodiment of a happily married man who shared a summer-stock bed with his loving wife. 

Or WAS he? 

And while Sam Neil and Laura Dern were speeding away from a T-Rex in a jeep, Fred was speeding away from his dignity in a trolley car dressed in a pinstripe suit and holding a Hershey Bar as the life drained from his eyes. 

OR. WAS. HE???

So many questions, so few answers. 

Is love just a second-hand emotion? Does Newman actually know how to use a winch properly? Is Fred really a famous Nintendo plumber from Italy? Will it be another 60 million years before the next episode comes out? Must go faster, must go faster…

We don’t need another hero, Ms. Turner, but we do need Episode 53 of Opening Weekend!

It’s May of 1985, and the school year is coming to a close for the boys. While Chevy Chase’s iconic character Irwin Fletcher was spending this time picking funky aliases, Dan’s mom was picking his not-so-funky Afro.  And when it came to the popular girls’ spring Bat Mitzvahs, Fred wasn’t getting picked at all!  “Baruch-atah adonai WOMP WOMP.”  Sure, Fletch may have been a master of disguise and impersonation, but could he pull off Willie Nelson AND Kenny Rogers in an 8th grade choir-version of “We Are The World”? Steve Perry and Jason think NOT! And find out who tops the boy’s individual lists of Favorite Comedic Performances Of All Time. Will it be Will Ferrell? Kristin Wiig? Peter Sellers? Dan’s wife as an infant version of herself, smashing textbooks out of her future husband’s arms as he naively walks the halls of Junior High wearing his best sweater-vest?  As the great vaudevillian, Oskar Schindler, once said: The list is life, nu? Find out who makes the boy’s lists on a Special Comedy Episode of OPENING WEEKEND!

The world has gone mad.  Mohawked marauders rule the roads. Singing/dancing orphans run amok in the cities.  ET has his/her/its own cereal.  And a 9 year old Dan is eating all of it. Yes, it’s May 21, 1982 and while Little Orphan Annie is promising us that the sun will come out tomorrow, present day Fred’s Little 40-Something Fannie is worrying about what will come in where the sun don’t shine. “Dr. Pokey-Bum-Bum? Paging Dr. Pokey-Bum-Bum!” 

Who made the stranger decision in spring of ’82: Carl Reiner and Steve Martin deciding to make a black and white detective movie made up of clips from other black and white detective movies OR Jason deciding to go see a black and white detective movie made up of clips from other black and white detective movies instead of E.T.? 

If you thought “Mad” Max Rockatansky’s heart was hardened and cold, then you haven’t tried to watch “Annie” with Fred and his kids.

And, yes, Dan’s hair was crazy, but he ain’t got nothing on The Feral Child.

So, just relax and take a few deep breaths, because it’s time to turn around, place your elbows on the examining table, and prepare for a slight bit of pressure…with Episode 51 of Opening WeekEND!!!!!!!

May 23, 1980: a day filled with Jedis, Jack, and GENE, GENE, THE DANCING MACHINE!!!! It was a spring filled with so much excitement for our three young podcasters: Dan was salivating over his new Millennium Falcon toy; Jason was salivating over the marriage of his sister’s Cher doll to Chewbacca; Fred was salivating over…Time Magazine? And, oh, the anticipation! Will Darth Vader catch up to Luke and the Rebels? Will Danny Torrance make it through that hedge-maze with all his limbs intact? Will Jamie Farr gong that 85 year old woman playing the violin with a chicken bone while her husband smashes pickles against his bare chest? GONG, BABY, GONG!  While Jack Nicholson was huffing and puffing, Chuck Barris was cutting and snorting.  And if you thought Yoda had a wacky voice, wait until you meet my little mouth-friend Tony! Tony? Wait…what’s that, Tony? You want me to talk more about…oh, I don’t think I can do that, Tony.  Really? You want me to talk more about…”Zapped”? 

REDRUM REDRUM SCATMAN REDRUM!

And, throw on your tux, spit-polish that thorax, and get ready to Kripp AND Dorf, cus the boys are celebrating their 50th episode with the “Wedding of The Century” as super fan/hybridized murder-hornet-woman, Sheila, finally ties the knot with Richard Dreyfuss! Wait, wha…

GONG!!!!!!!!!

Ahh, 1984. Weird Al is topping the charts and great movies are stopping our hearts. A young Fred is scaring himself (reading Stephen King), a young Dan is scarring himself (at Colonial Williamsburg), and a young Jason is scamming his teacher by putting out a fake issue of Time magazine! And all three boys are watching classic 80s movie after classic 80s movie, like The Natural and Firestarter! Redford’s hitting homers and Barrymore’s blasting baddies as George C. Scott and Darren McGavin compete for coolest fake eye! And the boys FINALLY solve the David Keith/Keith David mystery! (Spoiler alert: not a mystery.) 

And, as if that weren’t enough: there’s a new phone! You’ve heard guests call in on the Regular Phone and the Time Phone, but what dead celebs will call in on the HEAVEN PHONE? Here’s a hint: it’s probably no one you care about! But heat up your oatmeal and grab your diabeetis meds, and you’ll be sure to get...the straight story...from them (wink, wink). 

PLUS, a major development in the Sheila saga! (crickets) 

Ugh. OK: Sheila is a superfan of the podcast who used to write in to the mail sack all the time until she encountered the two grown-up babies from Baby’s Day Out and the nefarious Dr. Merlot who transformed her into a half-murder-hornet/half-human hybrid until the Arthropod Squad along with the Quail-Salmon Richard Dreyfuss…Oh, just forget it. It’s Episode 49 of Opening Weekend!!!

With great podcast, comes great responsibility.  And with Opening Weekend, comes….hand-farts, murder-hornets, and Gene Shalit? 

Close enough, Uncle Ben!

Ahh, the awe-inspiring wonderment that is Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 1! Ahh, the next-level excitement that is Spider-Man 2! And ahh, the mediocre “meh”-ness that is Spider-Man 3. The white goo gets replaced by black goo, Willem Dafoe and Alfred Molina get replaced by the guy from ‘That 70s Show’ and the guy from ‘Wings’, and plot gets replaced by…spidey-dancing? Which we all LIKED?!?

How many Sheilas will each film of the original Spider-Man trilogy receive? How many times will Dan confuse the plots of the three movies? How many minutes into the episode will legitimate Marvel writer/director/producer/voice artist Kevin Shinick realize he’s trapped on a podcast with three people who liked Megaforce? So many questions! So few coherent answers! Go get ‘em Tiger! (Get’em some more listeners. Please, God. More listeners.)

“Handfart. H-A-N-D-F-A-R-T. Handfart.” “That is correct, Akeelah! You are the winner of the Opening Weekend Gene Shalit Invitational Spelling Bee! And the grand prize is….Fred’s appendix!” Yes, back in April of 2006, while Robin Williams was losing his mind during a cross-country RV trip, Fred was losing internal organs during a cross-dressing Shakespeare rehearsal.  If you thought watching “United 93” on a big screen on the five year anniversary of 9/11 was a harrowing experience, you haven’t seen the liquified bags of broccoli Jason was hiding from Dan in their Queens apartment.  “Vomitous.” “Can I hear it in a sentence?” “Yes: The smell of Dan and Jason’s crisper was vomitous.” “Language of origin?” “Astorian.” And the boys are joined this week by Emmy nominated screenwriter and best-selling author, Geoff Rodkey, to discuss his experience writing big Hollywood comedies like “RV”, “Daddy Day Care”, and “The Shaggy Dog”, as well as his new novel, “Lights Out In Lincolnwood”. Get ready to clean your poop-pipe with a hefty dose of Opening Weekend!

In April of 1987, Nicholas Cage and Holly Hunter were stealing babies, but it was Willie the Chimp who was stealing Jason, Dan, and Fred’s hearts.  If you can find three grown men who squeal louder at the sight of a primate flipping the bird, then my name ain’t Nathan Arizona! And speaking of squealing, who DID squeal louder? a) Fred, while banging his pre-mulleted head at his first Iron Maiden concert  b) Dan, while banging his head against the top turnbuckle at the WANG Wrestling Federation Coliseum (i.e. his bedroom) c)Jason, while banging his head trying to do his best Church Lady impression or d) WHO CARES?!?! WE WANT MORE WILLIE!!! It’s an episode full of kidnappers and  kid rappers, yodeling and chimps and Yodas and shit! Turn to the left, ‘cus that sumbitch Episode 46 of Opening Weekend is set to pop and releasing itself on it’s own recognizance! 

There are myriad reasons a successful podcast can fall apart and great friendships can be pushed to the brink: resentment and jealousies, money issues, public and private scandal, Billy Zane.  Can the boys pull a Nicole Kidman and push through the horror to make it through to the other side? Or will they tear at the seams, and go….wait for it….InZane? Oh, don’t you give me that sardonic look, Sam Neil! But back to April 1989: While Jason was cutting it up in Long Island comedy clubs, Fred was cutting the cheese. And eating the cheese. And cutting the cheese. A lot. Philip Bosco and James Remar were trying to murder Michael Keaton’s psychiatrist in “The Dream Team”, and Commack High School’s “Humor Columnist” (probably named Mort) was trying to murder Jason’s reputation as an esteemed teenage film critic. SCANDAL! Charlie Sheen’s “Wild Thing” was climbing an uphill battle against junk pitches while Dan was climbing an uphill battle against junk food’s Dream Team: Devil Dogs, Kandy Kakes and Yodels. WAIT A MINUTE… *Pffffffffffffftttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* Crap, Fred got to the cheese and Yodels again. Like the bats Jobu cursed, like the lips Keaton pursed, like Zane’s head you’ll burst! About these films we conversed as always unrehearsed, so slide headfirst into Episode 45 of Opening Weekend!

Mr. Anderson? Mr. O’Connell? Mr. Berman? Mr. Matisa? Time to eject yourselves out of the slimy pods you’ve lived in since birth. And yes, we’re talking about Long Island and New Jersey. 1999 is the time for Dan to join his pals Jason and Fred in New York City, where Fred is drumming up classic rock ’n’roll, Dan is saying goodbye to his classic car, and Jason is seeing classic Laurence Fishburne movies…with Laurence Fishburne. What in the name of Joey Pants’ obligatory dickishness is up with that?

As Julia Stiles tells Heath Ledger he sucks at being a trustworthy boyfriend, Fred’s bandmates tell him he sucks at playing guitar! While Dan earns his AEA (Actors’ Equity Association) card, Hugo Weaving earns his MCGWWTSKRIHSAF (Mean Computery Guy Who Wants To Shoot Keanu Reeves In His Stupid-Ass Face) card! And as Jason swaps comic books with his new best friend Larry Fishburne (it really happened), our guest Pat swaps Top 5 Shakespeare movie lists with each of us! Which has a better chance of happening: someone’s #1 being “Gnomeo and Juliet”, or the boys still not being able to avoid sound ducking (and other massive audio problems) after doing 43 of these friggin’ things? Find out this week!

PLUS, we reveal our top 5 Shakespeare-to-film adaptations with our delightful guest, Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival contest winner, Pat! That’s right: It’s Pat! The only question you’ll have about this Pat is: is she delightful? (Spoiler alert: yes, she is.)

To be or not to be…a Quail-Salmon! Tonight we’re gonna hand-farty like it’s 1999, on OPENING WEEKEND!

Ah, the halcyon school-days of 1982: playing Star Wars in the backyard, acting out cowboys and Indians, drawing cartoons on the front-lawn with your friends, getting your wang violently tugged by an angry gym teacher as you stick it through a hole in the girls’ locker room. As a 4th grade castrato dressed as a California miner once sang, “Those WERE the days, my friend.”  While the Porky’s gang was trying to get some T&A, 3rd grade Dan was trying to get some G&T - reading German literature, struggling to play Othello and other obscure board-games, and MOST importantly, trying to cast a good backyard “Lobot.”  On the eastern end of Long Island, Michael Caine and Christopher Reeve play a deadly game of cat and mouse to see who can write a hit play. And just off the Ronkonkoma line,  Jason O’Connell and his doppelgänger, John O’Donnell play a deadly game of tracing paper and pencil to see who can draw a better Hulk.  Oui, Julie Andrews may be the toast of gay Paree, but wait till Robert Preston gets a load of Fred’s politically incorrect 4th grade singing cowboy. And co-starring Alex Karras as “Episode 43 of Opening Weekend!”

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough get lip-synching to Billy Ocean, and that’s exactly what Fred was doing in 8th grade (all the while drawing comic books about super-hero fetuses.)  And while Jason was looking MAHVELOUS at the 9th grade talent show, Dan was singing along to the Mets’ new triumphant theme song while wondering what all that hair was….down there.  And we’re still avoiding talking about Woody Allen….so….Hey, how about “Crossroads”?! If you thought selling your soul to the devil for fame and fortune was a risky proposition, just try selling Ralph Macchio’s hat to Dan.  And while Fred was drooling over Steve Vai’s guitar virtuosity, Woody Allen was drooling over....wait. No. Um. And.  So. Wow, “Gung Ho”! Holds up, ‘mi right? Just about as well as Jason held up his dance partner’s dress in his production of Anything Goes.  And just as well as Woo…no. Hannah and her….  So. Man, Dianne Wiest is GOOD.  But, we should…so….Oh, God in Heaven. Hey, it’s Episode 42 of Opening Weekend! 

While Howard Stern was becoming the King of All Media in March 1997, Tim Allen was becoming the King of All Meh-dia....says the three guys who were barely scraping by doing Unrehearsed Shakespeare, indie films with porny names, and Irving Berlin musical reviews to 105-year-old Floridians.  What’s more impressive: Paul Giamatti’s breakthrough performance as “Kenny ‘Pig Vomit’ Rushton” or Fred’s ability to spread the smell of pig-vomit all over a Broadway stage with his surreptitious break-wind performance? Yes, Jason talking about listening to Howard Stern when he was still on WNBC shows his age, but he’s still at least 45 years younger than any character Dan was forced to play while in his early 20s.  And if Tim Allen thought that giant spider was scary, wait until he gets a load of QS’s new look. MIMI-SIKU! BABA BOOEY! MIMI-SIKU BABA BOOEY! Episode 41’s gonna Shock YOUR Jock. 

Late February, 1987: Freddy Krueger may have ruled Jason, Dan, and Fred’s nightmares but it was the dulcet tones of Don Dokken, Phil Collins, and Jack Wagner that were ruling their dreams. While Gene Hackman was screaming court-side, Dan’s dermatologist was screaming neck-side as he drained yet another cyst from The Artist Formerly Known As Slaughter Neck.  And speaking of disturbing images, Hackman’s going in for another kiss! Wake me up, Patricia Arquette, WAKE ME UP!!!  Eric Stoltz may not have made the cut as Marty McFly, but does he make the cut as the Male Molly Ringwald? And what happens when you suddenly realize that you’re no longer a Keith or a Watts or an Amanda Jones, but just an old, curmudgeonly John Ashton questioning everything John Hughes taught you? Find out all this and more on another MINT episode of Opening Weekend!

After having to sit through “Nothing But Trouble” last episode, this week’s three movies are just the sweet palate cleansers Jason, Fred, and Dan needed.  But not even the pleasant memory of life at Rushmore Academy or of gleefully destroying that Initech copy machine or of staring into Jake Gyllenhaal’s dreamy astronomer’s eyes can erase the horrific memories of “Substitute High School Teacher Dan”. Or “Bennigan’s Server Dan”. Or “Master of Fine Arts Dan.” Or “Dan.” Listen... In February of 1999, Fred had no idea that playing a Shakespearean fool would directly lead to him acting like a fool on this very podcast almost 20 years later. And back then, Jason, much like Ron Livingston’s “Peter Gibbons”, was walking through his office temp job with all the joy of a West Virginian coal-miner getting yelled at by Chris Cooper. Oh, to wear the flair of a Brewster DeVice once again! Ooh La La, it’s time to find YOUR Rushmore with Episode 39 of Opening Weekend. 

There are certain roles that fit an actor like a nice skin suit made of human flesh: Erudite cannibal, Jewish sailor, scrappy FBI trainee, middle-aged baseball coach, deranged serial killer, drunken ghost... The list goes on and on! But then there are casting announcements like “John Goodman as the King of England” or “Dan Aykroyd as Naked Obese Baby” or  “Dan Aykroyd as Penis-Nosed Elderly Man” or “Dan Aykroyd as Film Director” that just... well, they give one pause. 

Whether your movie treat of choice is human liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti, a heaping helping of spotted dick, Dan Aykroyd’s gray, wet sausage (don’t ask), or the elusive Mexi Melts of Fred, Dan, and Jason’s Taco Bell-fueled youth (now with 50% less actual man meat!), it’s time to chow down with the least appetizing film trio since two girls met one cup and sink your teeth into Episode 38 of Opening Weekend!

This week the boys hit the streets and descend into the depths of hell to revisit FORT APACHE, THE BRONX and THE DEVIL AND MAX DEVLIN on Episode 37 of Opening Weekend!

“RUDY! THEO! ELLIOT GOULD!” Ah, remember the good old days when we just thought Bill Cosby was PLAYING the Devil? In 1981, someone at Disney must’ve read the script to “Fort Apache, The Bronx” and thought, “You know what the kids need? Something grittier…something scarier… something more sinister. GET ME THE COS!” Yes, our collective trust with America’s Dad has since been broken, but that’s nothing compared to the trust that was broken between Fred and his 3rd grade teacher when she caught him cheating in math. Oh, the 8 year old shame. But at least she didn’t start singing, “What’s A Mattah You?” at him like a 7 year old Dan would have. While Jason is studying the classics and learning Greek in his 4th grade Gifted & Talented class, Dan gifts us with his favorite K-Tel novelty hits of the 70s/80s and Fred shows off his talent for writing songs about smelling butts. And, finally, the battle for the soul of Sheila comes to a head this week on a very special phone call you DON’T want to miss.  Shaddup You Face, it’s an Etsy Ketsy episode of Opening Weekend! 

Greedo’s shooting first and Rodney’s shooting blanks as the boys struggle to remember who or where they were at the end of January 1997! That said, they can probably recite every lyric of “Red, White, and Blaine” - GUFFMAN’s ode to small town America and the bastard people who live there. In fact, Corky St. Clair should offer poor Cindy Williams “A Penny (Marshall) for (Her) Thoughts” after the indignities she suffered writhing atop Wally Sparks’s piano in her granny panties... And while it would appear that “Nothing Ever Happens on Mars,” way TOO much is happening on Tatooine: From an unnecessary Jabba the Hutt that looks like a child’s drawing of a poop emoji to a bunch of farting dinosaurs wandering around the desert (not to be confused with half the cast of MEET WALLY SPARKS), George Lucas’s “Not So” Special Edition ought to go home and bite it’s pillow. Maclunkey!!

What’s sexier? Salma Hayek dancing half naked with a snake around her neck or Dan Matisa facing off against Michael Ironside on “SeaQuest”? According to one professor in 1996 with a faulty gaydar, Jason’s going with option B! And, no, those aren’t maxi-pads in your bachelor pad bathroom, Fred - they’re just very fluffy tissues to wipe away the tears streaming down your face while watching Mr. Holland gaze inappropriately at that high school girl. Ew.

And finally, the mystery of the dead murder hornets and "QS" is revealed!

TEENS GONE WILD: 1988!  Fred is throwing keg parties! Jason is dressing up like Jesus! Dan is rocking out to “Fish Heads!” And, please, Danny Aiello, don’t preach, ‘cus Molly Ringwald is keeping her baby! While Robin Williams was tearing up Vietnam with his tour-de-force comedy stylings, Jason was tearing up Long Island with his Fat Albert impressions.  Cher and Olympia Dukakis may have cleaned up at the Oscars, but the biggest clean up of 1988 was the one after Fred’s illicit house party.  Is Randall Batinkoff the poor man’s Zach Galligan-as-Stanley-Kowalski? Dan sayeth so! And find out which Robin Williams performance is Williams’ biographer, Dave Itzkoff’s favorite, when Dave joins the boys for an in-depth discussion about the legendary actor’s legacy and his best-selling book, “Robin.” A La Familia!

Throw on your most colorful vest, fill up that garbage can with some cheap, fruity alcohol and get ready to party like a bunch of Drama students in 1993!  “I’m in the dark here!” That’s what both Al Pacino’s Colonel Frank Slade said in his Oscar winning performance in SCENT OF A WOMAN *AND* what Jennifer Aniston said after reading the script for LEPRECHAUN.  (Don’t worry Jen, there’s this new Courtney Cox pilot for NBC that we think you’d be perfect for!) Before he was trying to snap villains out of existence as Iron Man, Robert Downey, Jr. was trying to snap movie-goers out of a biopic-induced slumber as Chaplin. Endgame? More like End-PLEASE! But seriously, folks….

In the end, Pacino turns a blind eye, RDJ gives us the silent treatment, and Warwick Davis thanks his Lucky Charms for Episode 32 of Opening Weekend!

Heads will spin as the boys go back to the year of Dan’s birth to celebrate two Oscar nominated classics and one NRA-nominated classic for “Best Fetish Flick.” The only thing Dirty about this Harry is the way he drools over that big, big, stiff, gun. Mmmmm, yeah, that’s right, make his day. WAIT A MINUTE! Back to the episode: What’s more disgusting: the green bile spewing out of Linda Blair’s mouth or the smell of all those dirty ashtrays in the smoking section of Beefsteak Charlies? What sound does Jason find more disturbing: the noises coming out of Linda Blair’s mouth as she stares down Max Von Sydow or the noises coming out of his wife’s mouth as she stares down Robert Redford and Paul Newman? Swoon much? You said it, Harry! Mmmmm, now go take out that big, big piece of steel…grrrrrrrr.  The Power of Podcast compels YOU to listen to Episode 31 of Opening Weekend!

2020 has been a mind-numbing year, no doubt about it.  But not even 4 years of Trump, a world-wide pandemic, murder-hornets, or raging fires across California can stand up to the bat-shit madness of 1978’s The Star Wars Holiday Special.  In 1977, the biggest question in the galaxy was: will the Rebels escape and blow up the Death Star? In 1978, the biggest question was: will Carrie Fisher pass out drunk before or after she finishes singing to a room-full of Wookies?  And if you thought Jar-Jar Binks was a questionable choice, wait until you watch an elderly Wookie grunt his way through virtual space porn.  And then there’s Maude. No, seriously, there’s Maude.  And Harvey Korman. And Art Carney. And Jefferson Starship. And…oh, crap, Carrie Fisher just passed out.  Once the boys wipe the Bantha poo-doo off of their childhood memories (and Dan stops hiccuping), it’s time for self-reflection, personal inventory, and The First Annual Golden Sheila Awards! If you thought the line-up for The Star Wars Holiday Special was nutso, wait until you hear who drops in on the boys to celebrate their 30th episode together. Shalit be praised, it’s Episode 30! 

Which after-school animated  superhero had the coolest theme song? (Hint: it wasn’t The Sub-Mariner).  Who gives the most heartbreaking performance of 1978: Glenn Ford as “Pa Kent” or the millions of kids crying as they try to make sense of the “Star Wars Holiday Special?” BAM POW THWAP! Dan is bitten by a radioactive spider and gains the transformative powers of venerable character actress, Linda Hunt....or Brad Bird....he’s not sure. Fred is belted by gamma rays and turns into a rage monster any time he hears Margot Kidder ask “Can you read my....” GRRRAAAAH!!!! FRED SMASH!!!! And Jason treks to the Fortress of Solitude where the ghost of Jor El guides him in unleashing his true super potential as.....Nick Nolte?

WHAMO! KAPOW! HANDFART!!!! With great podcast, comes great responsibility. 

Jason, Dan, & Fred have Pac-Man fever this week as they go back to 1982 to grab their Atari joysticks, pop on some Journey and ponder some of life’s biggest questions, like: WHAT THE HELL WAS ANYONE INVOLVED IN “THE TOY” THINKING???  And if you thought little Scottie Schwartz buying a Black man in a department store was crazy, wait until you hear Nick Nolte call in to say hello to the boys on the Time-Phone. YES. WE HAVE A TIME MACHINE PHONE. JEALOUS, TERRY GROSS? Anyways, some other stuff happens with Eddie Murphy movies and Gene Shalit and Garfield cartoons, but, HOLY SHIT did we mention that Jackie Gleason lets his son BUY A BLACK MAN IN A DEPARTMENT STORE? And the guy who directed Superman let this happen? Not even Herve Villechaize’s heavy breathing can drown out the sounds of utter distaste and bafflement on Episode 28 of Opening Weekend!

It’s a hormonally fueled episode as 8th grade Fred rounds the bases at The Eagles Nest, 9th grade Jason spins a web of lies about that beautiful Senior in art class, and 7th grade Dan tackles the hardest choice of all: Ginger, Mary Ann...or Mr. Furley? 

Oh, and Burt Young PROBABLY gets a hand-job from a robot. DRAAAGO!!!!!!

Sly battles Communism.

Santa battles Capitalism.

And the boys battle confusion as they try to figure out why any of this is happening. There’s No Easy Way Out, so throw in your snow shoes and leather jacket and get ready for Episode 27 of Opening Weekend!

Which 1987 performance was more moving? John Candy’s ‘Del Griffith’ or Jason’s 85 year old Jewish Superman? Oy, the kvetching!

Who was....wait....hold on....Dan, is that...CORN in your ass-crack??? 

Oh, the humanity. 

And the boys present a challenge to their listeners. 

Three words: Erotic Fan Fiction. 

Go Guttenberg or go home; it’s Episode 26 of Opening Weekend! 

Romance is in the air for classic screen couples like Hugh Grant and his secretary, Paul Bettany and an animatronic tortoise, Alan Rickman and his secretary, Brendan Fraser and an animated duck, and Colin Firth and his maid! Love really IS all around!

Which was more harrowing? Russell Crowe’s sea battle with French sailors for the survival of his ship or Dan Matisa’s street battle with the children of Brazil for the survival of his backpack? Which is more surreal? Heather Locklear doing an impression of Britney Spears surrounded by miniature Yosemite Sams or Ron Perlman’s return as niche character “The Sayer of the Flaw”? And who gave the richer performance of “Christmas is All Around”? The great Bill Nighy or Dan’s sweaty palms?

So, if you really love Christmas, come on and let it snow (wtf?), because quick is the word and sharp is the action on Episode 25 of OPENING WEEKEND!

What’s that terrifying sound, like blades scraping against a rusty pipe? Is it Freddie Krueger or Dan’s imitation of Demi Moore singing? And speaking of nightmares, Fred’s PTSD-filled recollections of 7th grade school camping trips will make you never want to play trust exercises again (or sleep underneath him on the bunk bed) Will George Burn’s God let Jason off the hook for his hormone-charged property damage in 8th grade, or will his soul burn forever on a pile of of charred Victoria Principle cut-outs? Mondale/Ferraro ’84! It’s Episode 24 of Opening Weekend!

Breakups, credit card debt, and near asphyxiation by gold spray-paint; man, the boys were really LIVIN’ back in November of 2002! 

Is Punch Drunk really an old-school musical? Is Tim Allen’s Santa doppelgänger and allegory for modern-day dictators? Did ANYONE think to hire a boxing coach for Eddie Murphy??? While they reminisce about their favorite toys growing up, the boys also receive an interesting manifesto in the form of a future Oscar-award winning monologue. Hitchcockian, Chekhovian, or ARD-WOLFIAN??? 

From Santa’s sack to the Mail Sack to Sandler’s Sad Sack there’s so much to unpack on Episode 23 of Opening Weekend! (Just please don’t disturb Dan, he’s playing with his farm animals). 

Slashers, psychos and sweet tranvestites; gore, guts, and Ghostbusters; witches, werewolves, and “there wolves”…the boys cover all things Halloween this week! What’s scarier? The iconic violin stabs of Bernard Herrmann’s Psycho score or a young Fred dressed as Bigfoot yelling “PIXPIXPIXPIXPIXPIXPIXPIXPIX” into his rotary phone? Who haunts Dan’s dreams more: Freddie Krueger or that local newscaster interrupting episodes of “Woody Woodpecker”? And if you thought Michael Meyers cut an imposing figure, then you’ve never seen Jason dressed as Paul Stanley at your door on Halloween! And is there ANYTHING more horrifying than the idea of a “Hocus Pocus 2”? Fred says, “NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”  On a podcast, no one can hear you scream…but they can hear you hand-fart. It’s Opening Weekend Episode 22!

1985 provided plenty of sweaty musclebound behemoths causing maximum damage…and that was just on Dan’s bedroom wall!  Which made a  bigger musical impact on viewers in 1985: Jessica Lange’s portrayal of Patsy Cline singing “Crazy” to Ed Harris or Fred playing the drums to Huey Lewis at his Bar Mitzvah to a bunch of sweaty 13 year olds?  And which twist is more mind-blowing and intriguing: the fact that we’re supposed to find any sexual chemistry between Glenn Close and Jeff Bridges or Jason’s secret dream of starting the Robert Loggia School of Performing Arts?  But really, who cares! AHNULD BLOW THINGS UP!!! AHNULD BLOW THINGS UP!!!!! And now, pet the deer. Ahhhhh….deer.

AND the boys tie up some loose ends and give out some missing “Sheilas” (and one “F—you ‘Baby’s Day Out’!”) Get ready to let off some steam, Bennett, ‘cus it’s Episode 20 of Opening Weekend!

Listen and Subscribe on iTunes, Spotify, and Transistor.

When the new Batman’s girlfriend plays the old Batman’s daughter, one wouldn’t expect Jason (of all people) to fall asleep halfway through the proceedings, but that’s just the sort of mind-numbing fairy dust that Forest Whitaker sprinkles all over FIRST DAUGHTER! When the plot of the latest Julianne Moore movie is more confusing and convoluted than the 9/11 conspiracy theories that seemingly inspired it, you’ll understand why the movie is called THE FORGOTTEN! And when you start doubting that future filmmakers will ever be able to make an audience laugh at the concept of a global pandemic, look no further than the brilliance of Edgar Wright and SHAUN OF THE DEAD!

From laser light shows at the Egyptian pyramids to  cursory chest exams at the Al Hirschfeld clinic, excitement is the name of the game for our intrepid hosts as they dip a collective big toe into the Aughts with this, the 19th episode of OPENING WEEKEND!

Get ready for the ultimate exercise in frustration! Visit a music store where nobody seems to like or care about music! Enter a world of taboo sexual desire in which the greatest taboo is the fact that nothing sexy or desirable happens! And immerse yourself in a dark, jaded tale of violence and suffering that actually argues for a modicum of hope in humanity! Whaaaaa? I know! Crazy, right?

From the confusion in Anthony Lapaglia’ eyes to the shame in Kyle Maclachlan’s pants, this week is a tutorial in actors regretting their choices — except when it comes to SE7EN, a movie so good it might even make you want to uncancel Spacey! (Nah, just kidding, he’s still done...)

Reviewing SHOWGIRLS and EMPIRE RECORDS in the same weekend might make us seem like GLUTTONS for punishment (See what we did there?), but rest assured - you’re going to LOSE YOUR HEAD over Episode 18 of OPENING WEEKEND! (Get it? Get it?) In fact, the DEADLIEST SIN of all would be not to listen! (OH MY GOD! HELLO!?!?! DO YOU GET ALL THREE OF OUR SEVEN JOKES????? I DON’T MEAN THREE OUT OF SEVEN DIFFERENT JOKES. I MEAN THREE JOKES ABOUT THE MOVIE SE7EN. HELLOOOOO? IS THIS THING ON??????)

In the Olympics of Suffering that is this week’s trio of middling movies there are glimmers of hope to be sure - Meryl Streep’s brilliant acting, Jackie Chan’s balletic fight choreography, John Irving’s elegant negotiating to keep the name “A Prayer For Owen Meany” off of movie posters while still getting paid handsomely for the adaptation rights… But when grief strikes, it strikes hard. For example, which of these makes the boys want to crawl out of their collective skin more:  Mark Shaiman’s score for Simon Birch, Chris Tucker’s voice in Rush Hour, or William Hurt’s obliviousness to everything around him in One True Thing? It’s enough to make three grown men cry.

So pass the Kleenex (for totally different reasons than Fred did when revisiting ZAPPED last week) and settle in for A Very Special Episode of OPENING WEEKEND!

Forget Reading, ‘Riting and ‘Rithmatic - this week’s films are all about “the three S’s”: Scatman, Salami, and Spicoli! Sean Penn’s mesmerizing comic performance in Fast Times is indeed one for the ages, but in the spirit of fair play, might we also interest you in Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son shooting weiners at Albert Einstein with a bazooka? (And yes, you read all of that correctly...)

As a wary nation heads back to school, Jason, Dan and Fred take a trip down memory lane and catalogue their favorite cinematic odes to academia. How many Brodericks equals a Cusack? If John Hughes writes a film but doesn’t direct it, does it make the list? And at what temperature does the formula bend (but not break!) enough to allow both a superhero movie and Richard Nixon onto the list? Make sure to show your work and fill in the ovals completely, because Episode Sixteen (Candles) of Opening Weekend is here... I mean, “Present!”

This week’s films are a triangular conundrum befitting Tommy Lee’s old pal The Riddler - a movie about interracial relationships that tiptoes around issues of race (CORRINA, CORRINA), a movie about gender identity that refuses to address it’s protagonist’s gender (IT’S PAT), and a movie that laments our desensitized attitudes towards violence by desensitizing us to even more violence (THE FLINTSTONES... I mean NATURAL BORN KILLERS).

Marvel at the chemistry of Whoopi Goldberg and Ray Liotta, scratch your head at the presence of Ween in more than one scene of a major motion picture, and allow yourself to be as thrilled as you are confused at the ongoing saga of Sheila, Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, Dr. Merlot, and - in an OWP first - Gepetto (go back and listen to the episodes in order - it’ll all make some sort of sick, twisted sense!) during this — Episode 15 of OPENING WEEKEND!

(> Needle scratch <)

“Everyone’s always talking about Dr. Moreau. It’s Dr. Moreau this, and Dr. Moreau that... Moreau, Moreau, Moreau! I’m a person too, y’know!” 

Oh, that’s right, Jan - sorry about that, everyone! We actually start things off with the week’s best movie (according to Jason, at least) A VERY BRADY SEQUEL...

From great actors who either phone it in or fly over the top to mediocre actors who barely register or make us want to throttle the celluloid they’re captured on, this week runs the gamut in terms of onscreen talent! Everyone is here, including the best and worst actors ever to share the initials M.B. — Marlon Brando (best known for The Godfather and On the Waterfront) and Maxine Bahns (best known for being Ed Burns’s girlfriend and being Ed Burns’s girlfriend).

From the world’s greatest thespian wearing a bucket on his head and Alice the Maid channeling Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker to Dan’s conspiracy theory about Mike McGlone’s parentage and Fred’s complicated feelings for the manager of The Partridge Family, Episode 14 of OPENING WEEKEND has it all!

Much like the Iran-Contra hearings that dominated the summer of ‘87, this week’s episode isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions! Questions like:

...If three Fat Boys fall in an elderly man’s mansion and nobody raps, have they made what could reasonably be called a “movie”? (What about Ralph Bellamy’s dignity? If it falls, can it get back up?)

...Which is more than exciting: watching paint dry, or watching a photograph be developed slowly over 12 hours in No Way Out?

...Which film features a squad of No-Frills Goonies, patented 80s homophobia, pre-teen smoking, and Holocaust-surviving monster hunters? (If you guessed Disorderlies, well... you might be right, but we’re talking about the other one.)

...Which Can’t Buy Me Love star resembles a cross between a young Jackie Mason and the poster for Ghoulies? (Hint: He’s neither a robot nor a chicken.)

...How many recurring characters does it take to get a letter in the mail sack? 

...And - most importantly - does Fred’s 10-year-old daughter have a keener knack for film criticism than anyone else on the podcast? (Don’t answer that last one! That’s rhetorical, dammit!)

From the boys’ favorite Gene Hackman performances to the eternal debate over whose childhood was better or worse than Patrick Dempsey crying himself to sleep in a shed... it’s Episode 13 of OPENING WEEKEND!

While Haley Joel Osment saw dead people, all Jason, Dan, and Fred could see were Pierce Brosnan’s butt and Rene Russo’s boobs...again and again and again. Thomas Crown Affair? More like Thomas Crown’s Got A PAIR! You think the costumes in Mystery Men are garish? Wait until you hear about the oversized, mustard-stained tuxedo Jason wore at his theme restaurant gig and the Tinkerbell wings (and nothing else) Dan wore one fateful Halloween night! From Fred’s exposed balls to the boys’ multiple rounds of Al Pacino impressions, we’ve got a sixth sense that you’re gonna love (or at least tolerate) Episode 12 of OPENING WEEKEND!

What do Chris Sarandon and his vampiric sidekick have in common with Bert and Ernie? Who was the more statuesque beauty - Kelly LeBrock or Big Bird? And which of the weekend’s teenaged actors would Jason prefer to watch die onscreen? The answers are all here!!!

The movies may be fantastical, but the struggles are REAL! Listen as Dan tries in vain to rank Muppets! Witness Jason’s futile call for Anthony Michael-Hall to be “canceled”! And marvel as Fred desperately attempts to defend Fright Night’s Zach Galli...I mean William Ragsdale! 

When Oscar The Grouch gives a more grounded performance than Bill Paxton or Roddy McDowall, you know that subtlety isn’t the weekend’s strong suit. In that spirit: HEY. THIS IS THE SUMMARY FOR EPISODE 11 OF OPENING WEEKEND. YOU LISTEN TO IT NOW, OKAY?

Rarely have three grown men been this excited to talk about anything! From Dan’s love of Ted Knight’s deadpan delivery to Jason’s love of Bill Murray’s Cinderella story and Fred’s love of Cindy Morgan’s (Edited For Television), this episode has it all (if by “all” you mean anecdotes, memories, critiques and defenses of a movie that decided it needed to add an animatronic rodent to the proceedings during post-production because the film was missing a throughline)!

Find out how Special Guest Peter Berkrot got cast in the film, how he responded when Bill Murray came at him with a scythe on his first day of work, what an insecure Rodney Dangerfield shared with him and his young co-stars, how he felt during the film’s NYC premiere, and which of the four comedy stars at the heart of the movie actually knew their lines (two hints: Ted and Knight).

It’s easy to grin when your ship comes in, but if you’re looking to make $14 the hard way, you may just get nothing and like it. In any event, be the ball, learn to think like a gopher, and you’ll find that you’re a tremendous slouch, so… you got that going for you… which is nice… on a Very Special TENTH Episode of OPENING WEEKEND!!!

From Kevin Kline’s Oscar-winning sadism to Alan Rickman’s career-launching terrorism, this week’s episode is full of great actors doing terrible things that sickos like Jason, Fred, and Dan just LOVE to watch!

Is Die Hard the greatest action movie of all time or the greatest alt-Christmas movie of all time (or both)? Did John Cleese really write A Fish Called Wanda just to make Michael Palin suffer/stutter? How close did Jamie Lee Curtis and Bruce Willis come to not having jobs that summer? And what does Frank Sinatra have to do with any of it?

If you’ve ever wondered where Fred learned to lie (hint: it involved the Village Bath Club), what Jason used to teach (a clue: it involved showing Eddie Murphy’s Delirious to a bunch of 7th graders), and why Dan equates John McClane with Jesus Christ (spoiler alert: it involves holes and/or feet), this is the episode for you! 

So c-c-c-come out to the c-c-c-coast, we’ll get together, and have a few laughs with Episode 9 of OPENING WEEKEND!

Onscreen it was a week of deadly muggings and botched getaways, but offscreen, the boys saw their own share of trials and tribulations - Fred’s breakup, Jason’s vandalism, and Dan’s confrontation with what can only be described as projectile defecation... This episode brings the nitty AND the gritty!

It’s also a week chock-full of transitional pop culture milestones! Bill Murray’s shift from ne’er-do-well wiseacre to contemplative, crying-on-the-inside clown begins here... Whoopi Goldberg’s shift from movie star to full-blown National Treasure begins here... and Sheila’s shift from “Day Player” to “Series Regular” begins RIGHT HERE! 

So let’s all get dirty at the old pottery wheel (#notnecessarilyaeuphemism) with Episode 8 of OPENING WEEKEND

...If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a baby crawled across a highway, then you don’t know how highways work! Neither does BABY’S DAY OUT!

...If you’ve ever assumed that Irish people sound like cereal mascots eating colorful marshmallows in enchanted forests, then you’ve never met an Irish person! Neither has BLOWN AWAY!

...If you’ve ever believed that you could be a superhero by wearing Carmen Sandiego’s hat, Harry Potter’s scarf, and Sam The Eagle’s nose, then you don’t know what makes a hero super! Neither does THE SHADOW!

Remember, kids — Listening to Jason and Fred’s blood pressure go up as they disagree with Dan about Joe Mantegna’s acting is as American as apple pie! So do your patriotic duty (not to be confused with Mantegna’s idiotic doody) and pledge allegiance to Episode 7of OPENING WEEKEND!

LEARN…  all about the new dance craze sweeping the nation (or, at least, the podcast booth): The Persis Khambatta Love Jump! 

DECIDE… if THE THING is an allegory for disease, a meditation on the breakdown of society, or just an excuse to kill a bunch of dogs and make a guy’s head plop off of his body like a doody and then grow spider-legs and stuff!

FEEL… Fred’s horror as Jason and Dan admit that they (shudder) actually dig Harrison Ford’s Naked Gun-style voiceover in BLADE RUNNER!

DISCOVER… Sheila’s true feelings for Dan!

FIND OUT… how many times Jason can work variations on the phrase “Gurrera’s Dry Bed” into a conversation!

And MAKE SURE… to listen allllllll the way to the end of the episode for a call-in from a VERY special guest!

It’s time for something completely different: Episode 6 of OPENING WEEKEND!

The weekend marked the dawn of many now-common cinematic occurrences: It was the first time Disney flicks and superhero movies ruled the box office simultaneously… the first time The Joker became the “go-to” role for status-obsessed Oscar nominees to play… AND the first time Rick Moranis appears to have been considering retirement! 

Questions abound! When should Michael Keaton rub another man’s rhubarb? Were Matt Frewer and Jim Carrey separated at birth? How will the boys conjure Gabe Kaplan this week? Will Sheila ever put down some roots? Will Dan and Fred ever finish that Arms of Steel workout they started back in New Jersey? And most importantly, will we ever truly know how Jason feels about Jack Nicholson? Find out on Episode 5 of OPENING WEEKEND!

The 80’s were known for their big-screen action icons, and the beginning of the decade was no different! Just check out the beefcake on display this week: Mel Brooks! Burgess Meredith! Sid Caesar! Denholm Elliott! Sir Laurence Olivier! Henny Youngman! Dom DeLuise! (And, y’know, some guy named Harrison something-or other…)

Find out what Dan’s wife thinks of Bubo the mechanical owl from CLASH OF THE TITANS! Hear what Jason’s wife does whenever the Nazis open the ancient relic in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK! Marvel at the fact that Fred still has a wife now that she knows about his decades-old web of lies (which has entangled friend and foe alike with deceitful tales of a flying horse, a dying monkey, and - you guessed it - Cloris Leachman). 

That’s right, friends. The Inquisition’s here and it’s here to stay in Episode 4 of OPENING WEEKEND!

Which of the boys was on a breakdancing crew, and which was scared of the song “White Lines”? Which is more disturbing - Phoebe Cates’s monologue about her dead father, or the idea of Dan performing a strip tease to it? And how many different ways can three grown men mangle Rick Moranis’s speech about Slors? Press ‘play’ and find out! 

From the subway platforms of the South Bronx to the snowy sidewalks of Kingston Falls and the interdimensional dominion of Gozer the Gozerian, Jason, Fred, and Dan take a nostalgic look back at Ronald Reagan’s “Where’s the beef?” Eighties and some of the biggest megahits of the decade (that’s right, we’re looking at you, BEAT STREET… oh, wait). 

When there’s something strange in the neighborhood, Episode 3 of OPENING WEEKEND is ready to believe you!

Does Jason really wish that Spike Lee had directed Made In America? Does Fred really believe that Super Mario Bros is the Nostradamus of kiddie flicks? And how many different theme songs will Dan sing/fart before the episode is over? The answers may surprise you!

From John Lithgow’s unfortunate Anglo-accent to Ted Danson’s intimate, introspective meditations on sperm and Dennis Hopper’s apathetic rendition of a Trumpian reptile king, one thing is for certain — white men ruin everything. KIDDING! Or are we? Only one way to find out! Join us at the mental multiplex for this, the second episode of OPENING WEEKEND!