This episode of Bachelor Massacre covers all sorts of territory, from the cruelty of this season to trusting your gut to brow lamination. And best of all, for the first time ever, you get all 3 hosts at once. Do it. Do it!!!

If you've been riding with us this season, we really appreciate it. Now that this run is over, we would love some feedback! Please write us a review and don't just Zach it up and tell us what we want to hear. Unless you can "really see a future" with us and want to give us a rose.

Bon voyage,

Waves, Mandy, Scotty, and Sparse Mansion Media

It's hard for me to be truly objective here, because had I been in Zach's position I would have handled things very differently, but this wasn't my journey, it was his, so who am I to say what he should have done. But as my co-host Scotty Boombox put it, you have to respect privacy in addition to being honest. And as I like to say, you should never make promises you can't keep. And as the universe likes to say: if everyone wants to bang, then bang!

This was still the best episode of the season! And while the subject matter creates some serious conversations for me and Scotty, we still manage to have a great time.

This is the recap I referred to in the episode ---> #divorceboats. The Ringer always does a great job, shout out to Lindsay Jones for cracking me up. 

This season's WTA was pretty standard though it did have some dope moments, from Jess's surprising confidence in the hot seat to Greer's seemingly genuine apology to a twerk-filled blooper reel (were those just pre-bloopers or what? Gave *me* some pre-bloop, if you know what I mean ...)

Isn't it weird how much the producers invested in Christina Mandrell, only to have it blow up in their face? Like, people were really acting like she was gonna be the next Bachelorette. They barely showed her on this episode, minus a rehash of her disrespecting Charity, who is actually the next Bachelorette anyway.

And it turns out that Bachelor Fantasy Leagues really are a thing.

This episode features myself and Amanda Quincosa.

Next up: SEX WEEK

The final four women of this season prove, yet again, to be more interesting, emotional, and intelligent than our lead. And Zach proves, yet again, that not only does he have no poker face, he also has no balls, no communication skills, and very little charm when faced with even the slightest pressure. I am still dumbfounded that someone this boring was able to land this gig.

From a syrup date to interrogate to hesitate to why bother to wait, these hometown dates will leave you not questioning why the contestants and their families got way more screen time than the Zachelor. So I hope you enjoy myself and Scotty Boombox hitting his metaphorical knees with our metaphorical tactical batons as we break this episode down.

Be sure to check out another episode dropping TOMORROW, when Mandy and I take on the Women Tell All.

As my co-host Scotty Boombox points out, this episode is filled with cruelty. From a torturous "mentalist" date (aka group therapy disguised as a magic show) to Greer getting sent home after being led on by the entire production staff, this one is a doozy. Not only that, but Hometowns are on the line! Who made the cut?? (You already know by now anyway because this episode is late af. Don't @ me.)

And yes, dear listeners, I realize that in this episode I refer to the Fantasy Suites as involving 4 contestants instead of 3, you know I know the deal, I was just a little tipsy. Don't @ me.

Stay tuned for (hopefully) 2 episodes back-2-back: Hometowns with Scotty Boombox and the Women Tell All with Mandy Quincosa.

In this episode my co-host Mandy talks about the movie Encino Man and how there is some connection to Estonia, our setting for Week 6 of The Zachelor. Well, shame on me for thinking she was kinda pulling that out of her ass, because it turns out they do pretend Brendan Fraser's caveman character is from Estonia. Also, shame on me for never seeing Encino Man. Shout out Pauly Shore.

This edition of The Bach has all the tropes: drama, spiraling, trauma dumping, branch beating, and ass-facing. Wait. *checks notes* That last one is a new one. Will wife carrying become a new Bachelor mainstay like the Bachelor Bowl, old people love advice, and b-roll of windmills? Only time will tell. Did I get too stoned before writing these show notes? I think you already know the answer.

My apologies for a short and obviously-rushed ep. I was out of town for a field recording gig and then had to sandwich my call with Mandy between other meetings, so circumstances were working against us. But I'll be back with Scotty Boombox next week and ready to chop it up in the usual fashion!

Please leave us a review! Sparse Mansion Media would love to hear some feedback.

This was the worst episode of the season so far, whilst having what was probably the best one-on-one doe. Gabi got the highly coveted Pretty Woman date much to her absolute delight (and the absolute MIND FUCK of all the ladytestants). But lo! There is a disturbance in the force. Is Zach hungover? Does he have mono from all that kissing?? Does he have the shits from his full English breakfast??? Nah, big bruh just has covid.

I can guarantee it like Denzel Washington that listening to this episode of Bachelor Massacre will be less boring than watching Zach go on Zoom dates with his remaining women. I can also guarantee that Greer loses it, Jesse Palmer phones it in as usual, and Ariel does not get enough screen time.

This episode features myself and Scotty Boombox. Please rate, review, and subscribe!!

It's now Week 4 of The Zachelor, and while Zach is still not proving to be overly exciting, he's not a hatable guy. (Yo, is it me, or does "hatable" look crazy? Where that "e" at??) But like we saw with Clayton, he is merely a vessel for these women to truly shine. And shine they do, because this season is stacked with beautiful babes that myself and co-host MandySays believe are truly out of his league. Bruh is so lucky! But not only are these women gorgeous, they seem to be pretty supportive of one another ... until they aren't. Join us for another deep dive/sloppy recap and make sure you remember to never ever EVER speak about Instagram on The Bachelor!

Let's just address the elephant in the room: no recapper wants to release an episode critique after the NEXT episode has already dropped. But like Ferris Bueller said, life moves pretty fast. And sometimes things come up that are more important than editing your pop culture podcast. So here we are, almost a week late. But as Martin Payne said, so goes the salmon.

This episode features the fifth(!) installment of the Bachelor Bowl, which leads co-host Scotty Boombox and myself to reference the Bud Bowl, perhaps the greatest sporting of all time. If you don't know what the Bud Bowl is, do yourself a favor and take a deep dive. Then strap in for our breakdown of a surprisingly good episode of The Zachelor that includes some Kaity validation (for me) and some Anastasia screen time (for Scotty).

Make sure to tune in next week because we got OG co-host MandySays back in the booth!

Welcome to Week 2 of The Zachelor, and I gotta say, Zach is still boring but at least he was kinda sorta cool this episode (not to be confused with crazy sexy cool, which he is not). At least in parts. Please ignore this statement re: anytime he is even close to immaculate guest star Latto.

After a one-on-one date with Christina, Zach literally makes out with everyone in the house. And here to give you a breakdown of all the gory details is my frequent collaborator (on both podcasts and music) Scotty Boombox.

Please rate and review our lil podcast! And if you dig it, share us on Twitter and Instagram with all the appropriate tags. We tryna grow this ho.

🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹 

Welcome back to the Bachelor Mansion, folks! It's time for another set of arrivals turned rivals, hot messes in dresses, and tears for fears.

Season 27 of The Bachelor is finally here and our lead this year is (surprise!) a boring white bro grown in a petri dish using Jesse Palmer's DNA and a dab of hair gel. Zach Shallcross's journey has begun and I wish his last name didn't end in an "s" like Matt James because this means a whole 'nother season of apostrophe anxiety.

Join me and MandySays this episode as we pour gas on an already burning building.

If you want to read about the already revealed racist tweets of one of this season's contestants, you can peep that here. Even though it came out immediately, we were not aware of it until after we recorded. But I'm sure there will be plenty more controversies to highlight. Stay tuned!

How we made it this long without talking some more shit is anyone's guess. From Clayton's total misfire to Gabby and Rachel's disaster of a season, we have missed out on some great drama worth commenting on.

This time around J Waves will be taking on the hosting duties, Amanda aka MandySays will be on socials, and special guests will round out the panel (including Mandy herself and regular J Waves collaborator Scotty Boombox).

Our first episode of Season 2 is simply Waves and Mandy going in hard and recapping everything that has happened since the Matt James season, leaving us primed and ready for Season 27 of The Bachelor with Zach Shallcross aka Wonder Bread Brad. Be sure to subscribe for weekly episodes covering this ever-regressing franchise.

*SIGH*

*SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH*

Was that me or Matt James? Who knows anymore, the sighs all blend together.

This episode of After The Final Rose was fucking depressing and maybe this episode of Bachelor Massacre is too. We prolly talk more about race stuff than love stuff but that is the season that we were dealt. And perhaps that is a good thing in a way. You be the judge! I'm just trying to stay out of court.

Shout out Emmanuel Acho for taking the reigns, asking the tough questions, wearing a turtleneck, and stretching that suit to the limit.

In a nutshell: Michelle and Katie are the new Bachelorettes (but not at the same time). Rachael loves Matt. Matt hates Rachael. And talk shows without a studio audience are weird. Good night, America!

What's next for Bachelor Massacre? We don't even know but hopefully BIP is right around the corner ... 🤞

Make sure you subscribe and follow and stalk us so you don't miss a single (future) episode.

Fux with our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and slide into our DMs.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
Lurk Mode
Coronatose™

Amanda and I were really rooting for Matt James in the beginning of this season but he turned out to be yet another man-child scared of commitment, at least, if that's what his mom wants him to be. He often expressed how much he cared about "the women" on his season but mostly just told them what they wanted to hear and thanked them for sharing their feelings whilst rarely reciprocating (though we do acknowledge that Matt's behavior overall was perhaps constrained by the role he had to fill as "America's first Black Bachelor", which he discussed at length on After The Final Rose.) Our love of frontrunner Rachael Kirkconnell was also spoiled, Michelle "The Obvious Choice" Young was harshly dumped at the last minute, and Bri Springs was also cast aside and perhaps will be leaving Bachelor Nation for good. And let's not even talk about Abigail Herringer.

The clear star of this episode was Matt's brother John. You can learn more about him and his "rap career" here. (Maybe it's harsh to put rap career in quotes but as a washed up rapper, I have OPINIONS.)

Matt may have left with Rachael, but what happened next? We suggest you watch After The Final Rose for the whole story or you can listen to our next episode about it and kind of get some idea of what happened if we can stop talking about Emmanuel Acho for 5 minutes.

It was a sad ending to a promising but disappointing season. We thank YOU, our loyal listeners, for helping us get through it all. Please do everything you can to support us (short of opening your wallets because we aren't ready to ask you to do that yet) and write us some reviews and give us all the stars and tell your friends to listen. Without you, we don't exist: if a podcast falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound????? I would say NO.

What's next for Bachelor Massacre? We don't even know but hopefully BIP is right around the corner ... 🤞

Make sure you subscribe and follow and stalk us so you don't miss a single episode.

Fux with our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and slide into our DMs.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
Lurk Mode
Coronatose™

We are down to 3 women: Rachael (sexy and simple), Michelle (athletic and awesome), and Bri (the beautiful boss). All of them are in love with Matt, like, for real. It doesn't feel like anyone is here for Instagram likes at this point, everyone feels very invested. Sir Matt-A-Lot has attempted to "save" all of them, so they all FEEL SPECIAL. (Or in Bachelor speak ... he has "seen" them?)

In this ep we cry with Matt and his father (Shoes + Pizza ≠ Dad), I compare Matt to the child of a serial killer, Mandy compares the escalating quality of the fantasy suites, and we both wonder what happened to the rest of Rachael's shirt. Michelle is the obvious choice here but will lust, a skydiving accident, and pair of sleepy eyes prevail? One thing we all can agree on: BRI SPRINGS FOR BACHELORETTE 2021 OR WE ARE BURNING THIS MF TO THE GROUND 🔥🔥🔥

If you are a fan of this podcast, please follow us on our Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! We NEED your feedback and ratings to keep this show alive. Don't leave us hanging like Abigail.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
Lurk Mode
Coronatose™

It was also a reminder of how much good stuff gets edited out in favor of drama and fighting. At this point, aren't we all just hate-watching this shit?

Do y'all think that some of this season's women were particularly bad? The term "mean girls" seems to have really stuck to a certain group of them. Let us know if you think they were victims of a bad edit or BAD CREDIT, uknowhatimsayin??? Obviously, all the toxic behavior was purposely highlighted, but do you think it was blown out of proportion? Or are some of these ladies just evil?

Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
Lurk Mode
Coronatose™

So last night, before recording our TWTA ep, we pieced together a short odyssey of what we remembered about the Hometowns episode which apparently was not much. I still have a craving for ham after Serena P's Canadian field trip and quiz. Serena, please call me soon, I'd love to hear more about the land of maple leaves and gravy. Serena C, I'd love to hear from you as well. You can tell me about "yummm" and "Daddy".

Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Share! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.

J Waves on Insta
MandySays on Insta

Check out these other shows from Sparse Mansion Media available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
Lurk Mode
Coronatose™

Following this, shit REALLY hit the fan when Chris Harrison went on Extra to talk to Bachelorette royalty Rachel Lindsay. You can read about what happened on your own, but let's just say he fucking blew it. Bad. And talked down to Rachel on her own show! As a result, he will be stepping down as the host of the Bachelor for an undetermined period of time and will not be involved in After The Final Rose.

Rachel Lindsay's disrespect, which was totally avoidable, is yet another stain on the not-exactly-diverse franchise. To hear in Lindsay's own words why she felt the way she did, we recommend this episode of the podcast Bachelor Party. To read the full recap from Ali Barthwell that I reference on the show, go here.

While this episode of the Bachelor felt super gross, we still watched it. And recapped the fuck out of it. This was the lead-up to Hometowns so shit is getting realer than "Real Deal" Holyfield.

Follow us on our brand new Instagram page @bachelormassacre and give us some likes n reviews n junk! Follow! Subscribe! Get a prescription! We got what you need.

This wasn't the most exciting episode of The Bachelor but a lot of things did happen. New candidates for Bachelor in Paradise were sent to their next quarantine. We realized MJ's legs were hawt as they were walking her ass the car. Heather Martin's teeth and toes filled screens across America. Matt James did lip calisthenics in turtlenecks like he has done every single episode. And Katie ... well, let's just say the wax on her wings melted as she flew to close to the sun. Do dildos float?

We also figured out our drinking game for this season: take a shot every time Matt sighs. You'll definitely get some time in between flurries but unfortunately when he DOES sigh, there's usually, like, 4 in a row. Make sure you've eaten before you watch.

Please like, follow, subscribe, rate, review and TELL YOUR FRIENDS about your favorite new Bachelor recap. The next episode of Lurk Mode is on the editing table as we speak. Be on the lookout for new episodes of all your favorite Sparse Mansion Media podcasts ✌️

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The moment we have all been waiting for has finally arrived: "The Queen" is finally dethroned and YOU LOVE TO SEE IT. Good fucking riddance. It's really a shame because I feel like the majority of what me and MandySays have talked about is how much she sucks. Literally, for 5 episodes. Main topic. But it's all good cause now we can move on to other things like MJ's hair, Rachael's eyes, and Magi's minor-yet-powerful presence. We are already salivating for B.I.P.

This time around we have some hot One-On-Ones with Rachel and Kit and Bachelor Matt James continues to devour lips left and right like cold cuts off a charcuterie board (a phenomenon he just learned about for the first time a few dates ago. How does this guy live in New York??) There is also hella drama with MJ as she settles into her role as the new villain, one she relishes like me when I got to play a cop in a short film. Man, those uniforms are empowering! I wore it for 5 minutes and I was already staring people down and telling them to "move along".

Seeing as how Mandy and I have done a gang of recaps and I have barely done much else with Lurk Mode, we are going to be spinning our recap vibe into its VERY OWN PODCAST courtesy of Lurk Mode and Sparse Mansion Media. So stay tuned for those details, but for now you can keep recappin dat ass with us right here. If all goes according to plan, our next episode will be debuting in its brand new locale.

The next proper ep of Lurk Mode is gonna be a doozy, I'm talking a straight up CELEBRITY PODCAST CLAPBACK with chef and former LA misfit Whitney Dane. We are going to be trading our best TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES before she sets the record straight about the time(s) she was "enjoying trips and restaurants" with the "lesbian contractor" with "warrants out for her arrest" ... it's gonna be dope and maybe I'll even have static with another podcast when it's all said and done. I can't wait. See you soon!

Music in this episode:

"Bodak Yellow" - Cardi B
"Captain Save A Hoe" - E-40 ft. The Click
"Captain Save 'Em" - Kool Keith

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UGGGGGH making a podcast is exhausting, y'all. Me and MandySays watch The Bachelor on Tuesday night, then do the podcast, and then I get up at the crack and edit 4 eva while simultaneously trying to buy stocks and make smoothies and clean my sneakers and all the other shit I do in the morning. I know a lot of you podcasters are doing your mixes "quick and dirty" but I JUST CAN'T BECAUSE I AM A PROFESSIONAL so I hope you appreciate all the exxxtra effort I put in that nobody notices.

It's Week 4 and I think we all knew that the support these ladies seemed to be giving each other was due to expire like so much raw chicken in the sun. The arrival of five, count em, FIVE new women sparks a great divide as gang warfare starts to pop off and a new faction called The OGs emerges. Victoria is seen buying two used Glocks from a producer that probably have multiple bodies on them while Anna slowly files her teeth on the ground giving herself a mouthful of shivs. Katie once again lifts her vibrator from it's carrying case and gets ready to trudge into battle. Matt, somewhat perturbed by these new developments, continues to hide behind a veil of turtlenecks and soft jackets.

The good news (for me) is that we have some new $pon$ors supporting us. Be sure to check them out and enter the code: LURKMODE69 for special offers. They each sent over some new ads that we will be debuting on this episode.

- Face Salve
- The Kirk Mayonnaise Family of Products
- Toddford's Biscuits & Oats

I hope to have a new interview for y'all soon. Please live, laugh, love, subscribe, and review!

Music in this episode:

"Blow The Whistle" - Too $hort

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I hope Bachelor contestant Sarah Trott has been staying hydrated because the amount of tears she shed this weak was torrential. Yet even as I write this I am finding out that she had been hanging with G-Eazy before going on the show, so no wonder she was depressed. Wack rappers will do a number on your nervous system. You can't even be in the same room with them, they will suck the life out of you. But damn I'm stoked that I was not the only one who thought that she was giving off serious Annie Murphy vibes! And surprise surprise, she has a podcast.

This time around Sarah is our new villain but that doesn't mean that Queen Victoria isn't going to get her screen time. Though it just occurred to me that the other women are probably scared of Victoria because she talked MAD SHIT last week and no one had the will to tell her to properly fuck off but as soon as lil timid Sarah starts tripping some of these girls acted like a head was about to roll. Thank goodness we have Katie, a dildo-swingin angel-on-earth, to put things in perspective.

Join J Waves and MandySays as they talk about tears, tingles, and turtlenecks.

Music in this episode:

"I Need Love" - LL Cool J
"Da' Dip" - Freak Nasty

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So this week on The (Quarantined) Bachelor there aren't a lot surprises as far as format but questions are indeed raised, mainly WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH VICTORIA? Is she a producer plant? We don't really debate the plant concept though we do make it clear that something smells fishy like the time I left a doggy bag of leftover salmon and lentils in the back of my car and for a week I thought it was just old Slim Jim™ wrappers. (I used to work at a hick bar and they were the best snacks available.)

We also spend a LOT of time gushing about what a super nice guy Matt James seems like, though I do feel I am starting to glimpse some lil playa playa vibes from him. He does this thing where he smiles his goofy smile and kinda cracks a joke and you can tell it's a move he has done many times before.

This time around we give out some more (probably offensive) awards, and we stick to our guns about who our favorites are.

I confess that neither MandySays nor msyelf have done a lot of outside research (too scared of seeing spoilers) so all our opinions are based entirely on watching the show and no deep dives. And if you haven't already .... FFS ... like, review, rate, follow, share, all that shit! Please and thank you.

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Theme Song by Cheers For Fears (Boy In Sleep and Kent Hernandez) 

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As they say in the clock industry, timing is everything. So we are going to wait one more day to post our official first episode because (insert air horns) it's officially BACHELOR SEASON and boy do we got a hot one. Oh, what, you didn't know I was a part of Bachelor Nation? You think just because I'm a hard ass rapper I don't fux with a lil reality TV? GTFOH!

One of the best parts of watching The Bach is reading the recaps after (shout out Betches for the dopest posts) so on a whim I decided that I had to do one too and since the premiere ep of Season 25 just dropped, I figured I needed to get it in while it was still f-r-e-s-h.

I recruited my viewing partner MandySays to do it with me and if you like how it's going down let us know so we keep up with it. Please note, this is "all spoilers/no background" so if you ain't seen it, like, you will be lost af but maybe you will enjoy it anyway. It's less of a recap and more of a teardown but that's most recaps anyway 😬

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Theme Song by Cheers For Fears (Boy In Sleep and Kent Hernandez)